My Wife Is Going Through One of the Hardest Parts of Adulthood. But She Insists on Telling Everyone, And I Don’t Think That’s Right.

Dear Prudence Will this pass? Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 08, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Kristina Kokhanova/iStock/Getty Images Plus and laski/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My wife’s mother died at the end of last year. If you met her, you’d know because she would tell you, “My mom died,” within the first five minutes of meeting you, and then follow up with “the last couple of years have sucked.” This is apparently because she believes in “being real” with people, but I’m fairly sure that “How are you?” is a polite formula and not an invitation to a trauma dump. I am also not sure it’s healthy. I know everyone mourns differently, but making your dead mother so central to your identity and having so many awkward conversations seems harmful, unkind to others, and morbid. She is in therapy, but that doesn’t seem to be helping, and she gets defensive when I gently point out the behavior. Should I drop it? Will this pass? She’s going through a lot, but this scares me. —Conversation Killer Dear Conversation Killer, I actually agree with your wife here. “The last couple of years have sucked” falls short of trauma dumping. It’s honest, and it’s also a reference to a part of life that every single one of us will face at some time. I like to think she’s skipping the small talk—which really doesn’t do anything for anyone—to share something authentic and probably disarming to the people she meets. Plus, you never know who encounters her at exactly the moment they need to hear that they’re not alone when it comes to trying to move through daily life with shattering grief. With that said, you know your wife better than I do. If your gut is telling you that she is deeply struggling, behaving inappropriately, and not being received well—and if these changes truly scare you—that’s worth paying attention to. Maybe you’ve left out some details about her overall mood, her loss of interest in things she used to love, or a broader obsession with mortality. If any of this resonates, I do think you should share your concerns, but make sure you’re staying focused on how she feels and how you can help her, not what she is saying to the person in front of her in the grocery store line. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’m answering the call Prudie put out in one of her recent columns for low-stakes problems. For the past five years, I’ve hosted a Christmas white-elephant gift exchange, and it’s grown to around 25 to 30 people. I moved two years ago, and my new apartment can’t accommodate that many people, so last year, I held it in my favorite local bar. It went OK, but the bar was loud and crowded, and it didn’t quite have the vibe I’m looking for. I’m contemplating switching to an all-day event where people can drop in at their leisure, and I provide food and beverages. I know that makes the white-elephant impossible, so do you have any ideas for a silly activity I could do instead? Ideally, it would be somewhat Christmas-related! —Buddy the Elf Dear Buddy the Elf, Thank you! This is fun to think about. One idea would be to do the white-elephant exchange at a designated time, maybe a couple of hours into the event, with whoever happens to be there at that moment. To avoid everyone clamoring to show up at that time to get in on the tradition, don’t even mention it on the invitation. You can provide all the gifts, wrapping up a few random items from around your house and adding a couple of inexpensive or funny holiday-themed things from the grocery store or a thrift store (a box of candy canes, a snow globe, a tree-shaped waffle maker—whatever is easy to find!) so people don’t have to bring anything. Anyone who wanders in while the game is underway can grab a drink and watch. Or maybe you could do a rolling white-elephant exchange in which everyone is asked to bring a gift to place on a table and take one for themselves—and then each guest gets one chance to “steal” another guest’s gift at any point during their visit. Alternatively, how about a fun backdrop, a Polaroid camera, and a decorated corkboard where everyone can post their pictures for the rest of the guests to see? A cookie decorating station? A “guess how many candies are in the jar” game, with entries written on slips of paper and the winner announced after the event? Whatever you choose, I actually really like the idea of an open house because it will allow you to have good conversations with each guest instead of flitting around, filling drinks, and getting distracted. Good luck, and let us know how it goes! Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My mom thinks I’m using my friends for my personal statement. Most of my friends are people of color, while I am what might be called a concentrated white. I tutor many of my friends in biology, chemistry, and mathematics on the weekends for free, because I like doing it and private tutoring is super expensive. Anyhow, I have a brief line in my personal statement that mentions it, and when my mom read it, she thought I was using them this whole time. Should I remove it? I know race is a touchy subject, and I have a lot of privilege, but I would/have done the same for white students. They just happen to be my friends. —Worried Student (she/her) Dear Worried Student, Offering a free tutoring service (to friends or strangers) says a lot about you, and it’s something colleges would love to hear about. And that’s exactly how you should state it: “I offered free tutoring in biology, chemistry, and mathematics each weekend to several of my classmates.” I don’t think it’s important to mention your friends’ racial identity or their financial situations because the important takeaway isn’t about them—it’s about the generous and helpful way in which you chose to spend your free time. Your mother’s reaction is really hurtful and goes beyond suggesting that you’ve stated this experience clumsily, to assaulting your character. I think it may speak more to her perspective on life (“nobody would offer this kind of help out of the kindness of their heart”) than anything you’ve done. I hope you get into the college of your dreams, continue to be self-reflective, and enjoy some distance from this kind of attack. Classic Prudie I recently returned from a weeklong vacation with my in-laws and I’m exhausted! I love my in-laws, but a week straight with them in close confines was frankly torture. My husband’s family is very close; in fact, we all live on the same street! We see each other almost daily and my mother-in-law babysits our kids during the week while we’re at work. The vacation we took was very extravagant and paid for almost completely by my in-laws, but not at all how I would have chosen to spend a week of precious vacation time. Advice Dear Prudence Marriage