My wife is a martyr – whatever I do around the house, it isn’t good enough

I love my wife dearly and yes, she does a lot around the house. We both do – I’m certainly not lazy. But unfortunately, she seems to be fixated on this idea that she does the lion’s share. She is full of resentment and it’s getting exhausting. I know I’m a good husband; I get told by other people all the time. But my wife walks around the house constantly huffing and puffing or making passive-aggressive remarks, saying there are a million chores to do. She does the washing, cooking, cleaning and the kids’ stuff, because if I do them, she’ll decide I haven’t done them well enough anyway. Also, she is just better at remembering dates and appointments anyway. I’m the one sorting plumbers and electricians, fixing things that need mending, and doing garden stuff, such as mowing the lawn. We both do our bits. A friend the other day mentioned she has martyr syndrome and yes, when I googled it, it sums it up! She constantly does things I never asked her to do, takes on more than she needs to, at the same time making me feel guilty or expecting sympathy. What can I do to stop the martyr syndrome? J *** First of all, it sounds like your wife is a very loving woman, but perhaps her way of giving and receiving love isn’t necessarily making her or you happy. The first thing I want to ask is how is the intimacy in your relationship – emotional, sexual or otherwise? Is your wife actually available for connection, love or intimacy, or is she too busy maintaining her good-person martyrdom status? I find that most people with any type of martyr syndrome will express love by doing, overdoing and controlling. Martyrs tend to adopt a persona of suffering, self-sacrifice and victimhood, and can be unavailable, untouchable and unable to communicate any boundaries for you to meet. This breeds resentment. Shorts They might also be passive-aggressive. They might criticise, humiliate and make other people feel bad. No one knows where they stand, and everyone around them, including your children, can end up feeling sheepish and guilty. I want to ask: has she always been a martyr? Has she recently turned into a martyr? If it’s recent, when did it happen and what is it compensating for? Many martyrs, myself included, come from families where the eldest takes care of everyone and puts other people’s needs above theirs. I used to think saying “no” was a sign of weakness, or worse, it might mean I had less worth in the relationship, family, team or community. So many martyrs fear abandonment and humiliation. There might be a deeper issue here that she might want to explore with a professional – you too. It might be a case of unpicking childhoods, looking at parents and seeing what you’ve picked up consciously. But it might involve getting back in touch with who you are when you’re not doing tasks all the time. What makes you both laugh, what makes you both cry, what allows you to rest and express yourselves creatively? Where do you see your lives going in the next five or 10 years? Figuring this all out could be life-changing, not just for yourselves and as a couple, but for others around you. Children need to know that they don’t have to be martyrs to be good people, and that they’re empowered to know their needs, have boundaries and live fun, creative lives. Martyrs often struggle to be creative or fun. They never get their turn because they believe they have to hold it together for everyone else. I think a priority is getting on the same side in the relationship. As a start, you need to sit down and communicate. What are your wife’s love languages? Is it words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service or receiving gifts? Are you descriptively praising her and telling her what she’s doing well? Does she feel seen and valued by you? Maybe she’s doing all of this to feel safe, to feel that she’s indispensable and she won’t be abandoned. Start by saying: “I think you’re wonderful and you’re wonderful for doing so much. We appreciate you.” Depending on her love language, could you give her a surprise? A gift, a massage, take her out for a meal? It sounds like you’ve fallen into quite traditional roles – you do the mowing of the lawn and co-ordinating the plumber and electricians – no doubt from what you’ve both been modelled. Could you write a list of things you do and the things she does, and discuss how you might divvy things up differently? Have you ever asked her explicitly what she would like everyone to take on? Have you asked if you can offer her more support? Not, “Oh I’m not good at that anyway and you remember things best.” That is a cop-out. We are all human beings and can learn and get better. Especially if our partner is under strain. Ask her if she’s willing to delegate some of the load. Whether it’s to you, to the kids or outside help? Could you offer to take over the washing, cooking, cleaning, kid stuff for a while? Your wife does need to relinquish some control for the sake of your relationship, but also because the children need to be prepared for the world. They will either develop obsessive-compulsive tendencies, learn that women have to suffer and bear the majority of the load, or they will be useless in life and expect someone else to do it for them. Neither extreme is good. Remember: you have a wife who does so much. Be kind and be clear that you miss her and you want to be with her and get back on the same side, so you can grow into an able, happy family together.