My wife has passed away but I’ve found messages she sent to another man – and they’re tormenting me

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has now passed away, but before she died I found out she was messaging a man she thought was a famous rock star. I told her it was a scam and she said there was nothing to it and promised she’d stopped. But then she died and I have since learned that their communication didn’t end. Now I’m left obsessing over what really went on. My wife and I were in our late fifties and had been together for 30 years when she started chatting to the supposed famous musician. She was acting strangely – giggling like a little girl when using her phone. Eventually, she admitted why. I realised he was just a scammer targeting an older woman. She was upset but agreed she’d been naive and wouldn’t talk to him any more. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial She was acting strangely, giggling like a little girl when using her phone. Eventually, she admitted why. I realised he was just a scammer targeting an older woman. She was upset but agreed she’d been naive and wouldn’t talk to him any more. And she was adamant there was nothing between them. In January this year, she was diagnosed with cancer. It was found late and progressed fast. Within months, she was gone. I spent her final days with her at her bedside in the hospice. I’ve had the painful task of sorting out her affairs. While accessing her phone to deal with paperwork, I came across an email from the same man, sent months before she died. The conversation had been deleted, but one message from him remained. It said only: “Why???” I told myself he contacted her, she said she wasn’t interested, and that was the end of it. But, unable to stop dwelling on it, I emailed him myself from her address, saying “hello”. He replied, “Hi honey, how are you?” When I explained I was her husband and she’d died, he didn’t express any sympathy. He coldly said, “Well that’s not my fault.” I can’t stop thinking about this. I lie awake, replaying conversations and rereading messages from my late wife, telling me she loved me. Was this true? Did she deceive me all along? How can I make peace with what’s happened? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re tormenting yourself with questions you’ll never be able to answer, and it’s blocking your grieving process. There’s no reason to think she was cheating on you. At worst, she was flattered to win the attention of a guy she believed to be her celebrity crush. Foolish, as you say. But very human – which is why scammers are so successful. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you or that you didn’t really know her. Focus on the happy years you had together, not this one incident. My pack, Coping With Bereavement contains information on how to access grief counselling, which could really help you work through your feelings. THANK YOU FOR HELPING MUM IN HER FINAL DAYS DEAR DEIDRE: I WANTED to thank you for the kindness you showed my mother during the final weeks of her life. She contacted your column when she was struggling with the painful breakdown of relationships with both my dad (her estranged husband of 45 years) and my brother. I’m her only daughter, aged 40. She felt deeply hurt by the way she was being treated and you replied to her with great compassion and advice. Sadly, my mother died suddenly from a heart attack in her sleep, only a few days after your last message. Afterwards, I found the correspondence with you on her phone and was moved by your empathy. You recognised the emotional toll family estrangement takes and recommended standalone.org.uk and talking to family-action.org.uk. When I later contacted you to say she’d died, you replied with great kindness and sent me information about bereavement support and counselling. You also understood how our family issues affected me and suggested healthy ways to remember my mum, rather than continuing old disputes. Although Mum didn’t live long enough to benefit from your advice, I know your words helped her. They’ve helped me too. DEIDRE SAYS: I was shocked to hear of your mother’s death. I’m glad I was there for her and that I could also be a comfort to you. I LEFT BORING HUBBY BUT HAVE I MADE A MISTAKE? DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE walked out on my husband after 17 years of faking orgasms. Being with him made me so unhappy, I became mentally unwell. Now I’m terrified I’ve made a huge mistake. We’re in our mid-forties. On paper, he was the perfect husband – kind, loyal, and happy to help with the housework and cooking. The problem was, I was bored and miserable. I never really found him sexually attractive – though I tried to convince myself I did because he was so nice. We are very different people. I’m an extrovert, bubbly and full of energy, while he’s emotionally reserved and hard to talk to. We didn’t bounce off each other, and over the years it wore me down so much that I developed OCD. I obsessed over whether I really loved or fancied him and kept asking myself what was missing. The anxiety became so bad that I couldn’t enjoy anything, not even holidays, because I was constantly analysing my feelings and trying to work out what was wrong with me. Eventually, I suffered a breakdown and moved in with my sister to recover. However, my husband thinks I’ll come home when I’m feeling better. I don’t feel I can do that. Have I thrown away a good man for an unknown future, or was I right to walk away from a relationship that was making me sick? DEIDRE SAYS: It’s natural to have doubts about your decision and no one can predict the future. But you can’t stay in any relationship that’s making you that unhappy. It’s clear you weren’t sexually or emotionally compatible and were suppressing your personality. If you go back to him, nothing will change. Take time out to get well. Read my support packs, Living With Anxiety and Overcoming Obsessions, which have more information and sources of help. Once you’re feeling stronger, be brave and tell him you’re not going back. Then try to end the marriage as amicably as possible. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: It’s my own fault that my reputation is in tatters. I lied about someone, and now I’ve lost everything. I’m a 16-year-old girl. My boyfriend has dumped me, my best friend says she hates me and rumours are spreading around school. Every day feels unbearable. I feel so alone and terrified of what people are saying. Speaking to a teacher isn’t an option. DEIDRE SAYS: This might feel like the end of the world, but I promise it isn’t. People will soon move on to other subjects of gossip. In the meantime, admit your mistake and stay strong. Don’t react publicly as that will fuel the drama. Block your ex and best friend on your phone so they can’t hurt you any more. Please get in touch with themix.org.uk for free counselling for under-25s. WIFE WON’T LET ME KEEP IN TOUCH WITH COLLEAGUE DEAR DEIDRE: ONE of my colleagues has just quit her job and it’s left me feeling bereft. I wish I could keep in touch but I know it would make my wife angry. I’m 48 and my colleague is in her 30s. We’d been working together for four years. Yesterday, she told me it was her last day as she’d found a new job. I know she’s been applying for jobs, but it still came as a big shock. We’ve worked closely and she covered my role while I was on leave. I felt management didn’t value her and I encouraged her to better herself. Now she’s gone, I feel deeply sad. I’ll miss seeing her every day and wish we could stay in touch. She offered me her number just before she left, but I declined. My wife is the jealous type and has a terrible temper. I’m not interested in her romantically. I just really liked her and thought she was a great co-worker – but my wife wouldn’t understand. How can I deal with my feelings? DEIDRE SAYS: You should be proud you encouraged your former colleague to better herself. That’s what good friends do, and I’m sure she values you. Try to see this as a positive thing. Change is hard and when someone you see every day leaves work, it is a little like a bereavement. It will get easier in time. It’s a shame you felt you couldn’t take her number. Maybe when she comes back to visit you can give her your professional email address or LinkedIn details. Your wife does sound extremely jealous. My pack, Dealing With Jealousy, could be helpful to read.