My Wife Has a Plan for Her Life After Having Our First Baby. People Seem to Think It Makes Her an “Unfit Mother.”

Dear Prudence It’s Slate’s 30th birthday! We’re looking back on Prudie’s advice over the years. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. In celebration of Slate’s 30th anniversary, we’ve taken a look back at decades’ worth of letters, many of them answered by the four Prudies who preceded me. This job never feels boring, and my own journey through the archive explains why. As our society and culture change, so do the requests for advice. These days, for example, adult friendships seem much more fraught than they once were —perhaps partially because we have too much visibility into the lives of everyone we know. Seeking therapy and setting boundaries are much more commonplace. Earnest queries about how to avoid adding to the racism that shapes so much of life in this country peaked a couple of years ago, and then decreased along with an unfortunate broader cultural shift away from equality and justice. Relatedly, questions about what to do when a family member’s ideological views change our feelings about them, once very rare, are now familiar. (Speaking of politics, I’m humbled by the fact that no one has loved my advice enough to suggest I run for office, like one reader urged the late great Margo Howard to do in 1999.) Yet, some troubles—angst about the possibility that unhinged guests will ruin weddings, fantasies about choreographing friends’ romantic choices, and misery linked to the many annoyances that come with having neighbors—are timeless. As I looked back on past letters, I was reminded of how, years ago, as a Slate advice fan who never imagined this would be my job, I was energized by the moral clarity Danny Lavery brought to the role. In fact, when I started here, I stopped reading his previous columns, afraid that I would unconsciously try to reproduce his voice in my writing, as I admired him that much. But of course, no Prudie could ever truly imitate another. We bring our own experiences and preoccupations to our work, and the dilemmas that fill the inbox constantly shift. I personally look askance at some of the advice doled out before my time, when it seems to be based on values that completely clash with mine. But I have to face the reality that, years from now, a Gen-Z Prudie might read through the archives and wonder why Jenée Desmond-Harris was so closed-minded. (For example, even now I can see how my insistence that bridesmaids put their own happiness and vanity on the back burner might age poorly, along with the entire tradition of having wedding parties.) Ruminating on that isn’t helpful, so I try to stay focused on the goal: to offer advice that might make one person’s life a little better—and to entertain readers while giving them an opportunity to refine their own ideas about the right way to live. I’m moved by the fact that over the last three decades, even the most misguided letter writers tend to fall into two categories: those who want to do the right thing, and those who know they deserve to be happy and want tools to get there. As long as Slate readers continue to write in, Prudie will try her best to help. —Prudie, ReflectivelyJenée Desmond-Harris Dear Prudie, My wife and I are expecting our first child in October. She plans to continue working after we have our baby, and she is being bombarded by people who make her feel as if she’s an unfit mother for wanting to work outside the home. For example, a lady at our church told her she would NEVER let anyone else raise her baby. Others just ask how she could possibly leave her baby with someone else. Many just she give her a condescending look. Most of these comments come from people she does not even know! My advice to her was to look at them and respond that she would NEVER make anyone feel uncomfortable that she hardly knew. How would you recommend that she deal with this? She is nonconfrontational by nature, but someone needs to let these people know how they are making her feel. —Concerned Husband Dear Con, The ladylike response to these clods would probably be something along the lines of, “What a surprising thing to hear from someone I don’t know well.” A tougher response would be more along the lines of, “I do not recall asking your opinion.” Or … your wife might like to pass on these stats from the U.S. Department of Labor: As of 1998, 76.3 percent of women ages 25-34 worked. Out of women ages 35-44, 77.1 percent worked. (Both sets of figures would cover pretty much everyone able to belt out a baby.) Prudie has long felt that the reflexive, polite demur is not necessary when people are impertinently out of line, either with their advice or their questions. —Prudie, straightforwardlyMargo Howard From: Allow Me To Introduce Myself. (July 8, 2004). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I didn’t think Jerry Springer should run for the Senate, so I’m glad he decided not to. I do think you should run for Congress. Not only does Congresswoman Prudie have a nice ring, but your constituents/readers would definitely benefit from all the sound advice you could impart to all those bozos such as Tom DeLay currently taking up space in D.C. Some friends and I have collected $23 to get your campaign started. So think about it. —Electorally yours,Neil Dear Elect, If Prudie were paranoid she would think some of her readers were trying to get her out of the advice business, what with one fellow, “D.C.,” wanting Prudie to run for president, and now you suggesting Congress. Prudie, however, is not paranoid, so she thanks you for the … well, vote of confidence. As for the $23, why don’t you start PrudiePac and see if you can’t straighten out the dolts in Washington? —Prudie, politicallyM.H. From: Pushing Politics and Prozac. (Sept. 17, 1999). Dear Prudie, My friends and I regularly read your column and just love it! Shameless flattery aside, we do have an issue and hope you can help us. My brother-in-law is in a serious relationship with a friend of mine. I actually introduced them at my wedding. The problem is that my friend treats my brother-in-law (and everyone else, for that matter) like dirt. She yells at him, tells him what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to spend his free time. She is moody and extremely unpleasant to everyone. Needless to say, I don’t see much of her anymore. Anyway, we are afraid that my poor brother-in-law, who does not have the benefit of very much experience in relationships, will ask her to marry him. My family, my husband’s family, and our friends cannot stand her and dread having her at family gatherings–to the point where we are all trying to figure out how not to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. In short, we want to say something to him because we know that there are women out there who will treat him with respect, courtesy, and affection. How can we tell him how we feel without making him feel totally alienated? —Hopeful in Va. Dear Hope, Perhaps your brother-in-law views being emotionally slapped around as foreplay? The woman you describe sounds like a cross between a harridan and a dominatrix. However, even an inexperienced man knows when he is being treated like a dog in obedience school. Prudie wonders why he thinks this is all right. The loose thread here is that you say you don’t see much of her anymore, but she was a friend. Did her behavior change? In any case, since your brother-in-law’s nearest and dearest want to keep Miss Congeniality away from holiday gatherings, Prudie suggests you and your coterie of concerned friends decide on a designated yenta (which is how it may be perceived) and that person must tell him flat out that people who care about him do not like the way he is being treated, and they see dark days ahead. He will either respond with a defense of his PMS poster girl, or confess that he is trying to end the relationship. Either way, he will be made aware of the concern, which is really all that outsiders can do. If he chooses to stay in the relationship and the next gathering is a nightmare, simply tell him the woman makes for too much discomfort and, although you will miss his presence, the greater good of the group takes precedence and not to plan on further get-togethers. Worst case scenario is that he will feel alienated, and his relationship with all of you will be strained … but just as friends don’t let friends drive drunk, neither do friends watch in silence as friends hook up with bitches. —M.H. From: Shucking a Bad Seed. (Nov. 19, 1999). Prudie, My best girlfriend is in “in love with” a gay man. At first she didn’t know—he’s European, and they have a very close friendship, making it easy to misinterpret his hugs and “love you’s” as much more. The situation has been clear for months from his words as well as his actions with our other gay friends. She said she was over him—until she recently told me of a plan to visit him and confess her affections. This has been going on for over a year now. Her life has been on hold for him. Sadly, this is not the first time. She was in the exact same situation for several years with another man. As her friend, I was honest with her about thinking that history was repeating itself. She became angry and told me I didn’t understand. The object of her affection has said that she knows he’s gay. Why does this girl fall for the ones she really can’t have, and what can I do to shake her out of it? —G.G. Dear G., In response to your last two questions, the answers are 1) lots of reasons and 2) nothing. You have done your good deed by telling your friend that her crush is a no-hoper; beyond that, there is nothing you can or should do. It is certainly understandable when women are attracted to gay men. Often they are sensitive, not swishy, have great personalities and drop-dead good looks. Once it’s made clear, however, that a man bats for the other team, a well-integrated woman says to herself, “Rats, too bad,” and moves on. The women who pine and cling to hope have either a subconscious wish to remain in a chaste and swooning state, or they’re masochists. Your friend is right about one thing, though. You don’t understand. And what you don’t understand is that her behavior is half a beat off in a way that friends can’t fix. —M.H. From: Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt. (Jan. 4, 2001). Dear Prudence, Anne and I have daughters enrolled in the same dance classes. We both often stay at the lessons and chat with other moms. But I’ve always gotten the impression that Anne doesn’t like me. She never returns my greetings and often turns away from the conversation when I’m talking. Last week we were both walking to our cars, so I asked, “Anne, have I done something to offend you? I hope not, because I’d really enjoy getting to know you better.” Anne turned to me and said, “I’m sorry, but I am against adoption. I believe buying children is ethically deplorable.” She got in her car and drove off. I should now explain that I am white and my husband is black, so our daughter has darker skin than me. Since she’s never met my husband, Anne assumed I adopted my daughter from Africa: I found her assumption to be DEEPLY offensive, because although my daughter is not adopted, I am. I’m pretty grossed out by Anne’s judgment, but I don’t know how to respond, or if I should even bother engaging such a narrow-minded person. —Absolutely Insane Adoption Confrontation Dear Absolutely, Consider yourself lucky that Anne opened up to you. If you had fit her criteria for being acceptable you might have unwittingly become friendly with this deranged person. So she’s against adoption, is probably a racist, and because she’s such a seething mass of hatreds she doesn’t even know how to behave courteously to a fellow mother at her daughter’s dance class. She’s beneath contempt and now that she’s expressed to you the reasons for her rudeness, there really isn’t any need for a response from you. It’s a delicate thing to remain polite in the face of such nuttiness, but as long as you are friendly to the other mothers, Anne’s bizarre behavior will speak for itself. Since you and your daughter are lovely, and Anne is obviously rude to you, the others will likely wonder if Anne is a roaring racist, which would be a good assumption. Otherwise, forget about this nitwit and just have pity for her daughter. —Emily Yoffe From: Double Helping of Hate. (April 30, 2012). Dear Prudence, Is there a polite way to ask the neighbors if they can take down their Christmas decorations? I know the snow might make it feel like Christmas, but Christmas decorations in March seem a bit much. They put them up the first day of November and neighbors told me that last year they were lit up at night until mid-June. Dear Christmas in July, For your neighbors it’s always the night before Christmas. If they are the kind of Christmas decorators with thousands of lights who become a local landmark, then they might be violating some kind of ordinance for keeping the show running for more than half the year. But if their decorations are within reasonable bounds, then this endless Christmas celebration is silly and eccentric, but I don’t see how it’s any of your business. —E.Y. From: ’Twas Months After Christmas. (March 4, 2014). Dear Prudence, I just told my boyfriend that I’m asexual. It’s taken me a long time to accept this about myself, and that it doesn’t mean I’m broken in any way, and saying it aloud feels like a weight off my shoulders. The problem is that now my boyfriend says we have to break up. I’ve told him that even though I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t bother me to have it sometimes if it makes him happy. But he said that felt gross and “pervy.” It feels like I’m being punished for realizing something that helped me so much. It also hurts to find out that my boyfriend, who said he loved me, really just liked sex. Is he being unfair? I think I’ve made every effort to make this work, and lots of people have sex when they aren’t that into it, right? —No Asexuals Dear No Asexuals, I’m genuinely excited for you, that you’ve been able to arrive at a more fully realized sense of your own identity! That’s wonderful. I encourage you to give your boyfriend space to do the same thing. It’s not a value judgment on you as a person if he decides he would prefer to have a partner who is also sexual, rather than willing to have sex periodically for his sake. It just means the two of you aren’t compatible sexually. He’s not trying to “punish” you by ending your relationship, he’s saying, “What you want out of a relationship and what I want don’t really overlap.” Nor does it mean he didn’t genuinely love you! Sex may not be a crucial part of how you experience love, but it clearly is for your boyfriend. Sexual activity isn’t a lesser or baser form of expressing love, and just as you wouldn’t want your boyfriend to judge you for being asexual, don’t try to diminish his experience by saying he must not really love you, or that he just wants to have sex all the time. Whether “lots of people” have certain sexual arrangements that work for them in their relationships isn’t the point. The point is that what you want, and what your boyfriend wants, aren’t compatible. The upside is, now that you’re out about your asexuality, you’ll be able to bring that self-knowledge and clarity to future relationships—and that’s not a punishment at all. —Danny M. Lavery From: Spectrum of Support. (Nov. 27, 2017). Dear Prudence, My 15-year-old son’s mom and I are divorced. She is the custodial parent. My son wants the flu shot. I work in health care and have seen the consequences that can befall unvaccinated patients—I want him to get the flu shot. She is an anti-vaxxer and dead set against it. Legally it appears I am powerless to do anything about this. Is there anything I can do? —Flu Vaccination Dear Flu Vaccination, Does your son’s school offer flu vaccinations? Many do; check with the school administration and find out if it’s possible for him to receive a vaccination there. If that’s not possible, and you do have visitation, then I think you should take him to get a vaccine when you’re together. It’s been an unusually bad flu year. The CDC recommends everyone 6 months and older get a flu vaccine, and not nearly enough people do. If you don’t have visitation with your son, talk to him privately. Make sure his mother’s anti-vaccination views aren’t the only thing he hears about health and safety, and encourage him to get the shot himself, at a pharmacy or a local clinic (or check here). There are still a few months left in flu season and the shot’s worth getting, this year and every other. —D.M.L. From: Help! My Ex-Wife’s an Anti-Vaxxer. Now She Won’t Let My Son Get a Flu Shot. (Feb. 6, 2018). Dear Prudence, My biological father was emotionally and verbally abusive to my sister and me when we were young, and my mother divorced him. Therapy helped us repair the relationship somewhat, but it’s become increasingly clear that my dad is a white supremacist. He makes comments to strangers like “This is America. You speak English here. If you’re coming here, at least have the decency to learn our language or go back to Mexico.” What kind of a father says these things in front of his Mexican-American daughters? (My mom’s family came from Mexico.) I’ve also heard him say “Black lives don’t matter” and “Homosexuality is wrong.” I stopped talking to him last year. My sister still talks to him—they seem to have an agreement not to talk politics. My mom and sister understand why I refuse to speak with him. The last time we texted, I told him that I had recently been asked if I was “legal.” His response was simply, “Rights change.” That is the message I have had burned in my mind since June: “Rights change.” I’ve washed my hands of him, but he still wants to talk to me, I hear. Should I? —Can’t Talk Now, Dad Dear Can’t Talk Now, Dad, You say only that you “hear” your father wants to talk to you. Not that he’s directly gotten in touch with you, or apologized for hurting you as a child, or disavowed his white supremacist beliefs, or even acknowledged the ways in which he’s hurt you as an adult—just that through the grapevine, he’s possibly signaled to someone that he’d be open to talking. That’s not much of a foundation for a real relationship, I fear. There’s nothing in your letter that suggests you think your father is willing to consider ways in which he has failed you as a parent, or that he’s open to reconsidering his racist ideas (or just minimizing his racist behavior). You don’t even say that you miss talking to him. The last time the two of you spoke, he implied that he envisioned a future in which your citizenship could be stripped from you on the basis of your heritage. I don’t think you have any reason to trust him, and if you can’t trust him, you can’t safely re-establish a relationship with him. This realization sounds like it’s been extremely slow-moving and painful for you, and I hope you’re able to work through some of the grief and loss with other friends and family—just not him. —D.M.L. From: Sins of the Father. (April 19, 2018). Dear Prudence, I rent half of a duplex where the garages are in the back with a shared driveway. I also have the shaded side yard. Recently, a young family moved into the other unit and continues to make my life hell. The kids leave their toys and scooters right in the middle of the driveway so when I have to go to work, I have to get out of my car to move all their stuff. The kids will play in my side yard screaming bloody murder and messing with my plants and patio furniture. They have already broken two expensive pots. Talking to the parents does nothing. I have left notes, knocked on the door repeatedly, and the few times I have gotten to speak to the parents, they are incredibly indifferent. They will make noises about taking responsibility for their kids and nothing changes. The mother even snapped at me that her side doesn’t have enough room for her kids to play and it is closer to the road. I responded that the side yard was mine and I didn’t want her kids trespassing and destroying my stuff. I have already complained to my landlord and nothing has happened. I’m tired of this. I know the minute I run over a scooter or bike, my neighbors are going to come screaming like banshees out of hell. I don’t want to escalate this but I feel I have no choice. —No Peace Dear No Peace, There’s one thing I noticed you haven’t tried: Talking to the kids themselves. This should be a process that starts with “Hi kids” and “Nice bike” and “Wow, you can go really fast on your scooter.” It might even include “I have some fruit snacks. Ask your mom if you can have some.” Then, once a relationship is established, kneel down to their level and say “I don’t know if you know this, but the side yard is part of my house. It has delicate things in it and I’m asking you not to play there because I don’t want them to get broken. Okay? Also, please make sure you never leave your stuff here *gesture to line you’ve drawn with chalk around your side of the driveway* because I don’t want to run over your scooter when I park my car. I know this is new. I’ll remind you next time I see you.” —Jenée Desmond-Harris From: Help! The Neighbors’ Feral Children Are Ruining My Property, and I Want Vengeance. (May 4, 2023). Dear Prudence, We recently went to a clinical psychologist to help save our family. We were worried about our daughter, and she asked for counseling. Without going into all the details of her habitual lying and reckless behavior that is out of her norm, the doctor turned to my daughter and told her she was absolutely perfect! Repeatedly. Praising her about all she has accomplished on her own, by herself, because she’s perfect. That the world has changed, and it’s all our fault, and then repeated numerous times with hand gestures that we are strangling her.I’m not perfect by any means, but this doctor just ruined our family, as my daughter got up and walked out on top of the world and never looked back! Is this normal for a counselor? We are lost and only wanted help for our young adult daughter who right now is a danger to herself. — Bad Session Dear Bad Session, I’m going to have to take you at your word that this is how the appointment went down and that you’re not exaggerating or defining “reckless” in a questionable way—for example, an LGBTQ identity that you don’t approve of? An interest in reading banned books? A desire to take birth control? Sorry, life in 2023 has ruined me, so I have to ask. Assuming and hoping that you’re being a reasonable parent, I wanted to be able to give an informed answer to your core question. So I reached out to Dr. Rolanda Mitchell, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and supervisor to ask whether this was normal. Short answer: No. Here’s what she said: This is definitely not normal behavior! My first hope in reading this is that there is more to the story, and that the clinician did not present in this way … if she did … YIKES!First of all, no one is perfect, and when clinicians have clients who are striving for “perfection,” we tend to try and move them away from that concept and towards a healthier way of defining goals. Making statements like “you’re perfect” is counterproductive. Let’s say the daughter in this scenario was claiming to be perfect and saying that all of the blame should be placed on her parents (which is not an unlikely scenario in family counseling). A sound clinician would listen and reflect, but they wouldn’t affirm that belief by saying “you’re perfect.” Instead, they’d likely spend some time unpacking the reason(s) the daughter sees things in that way (I’m perfect, they’re wrong), identifying what’s actually happening at home, and working on new behaviors.Secondly, it sounds like the clinician has alienated the parents, which is also incredibly counterproductive. When there are challenges in family/relationship dynamics, the best way to address things is to work with all parties. This means building rapport and demonstrating empathy for everyone involved (daughter and parents). Even if the parents are doing things that the clinician feels are “strangling” the child, it’s likely they are doing what they feel is best. Seeking help is a sign that they are open to making changes, but they can’t do that if they feel demonized by the clinician.When people bring their relationships to counseling, they often feel that they’re right and the other person is wrong, and they want the clinician to choose sides; it’s rarely that cut and dry. And even though we are trained professionals, we’re still human … sometimes WE can think that one person is right and the other person is wrong! But we don’t help folks by choosing sides. In most instances, there are things that everyone could do differently. An effective clinician is one who will provide equal space for all thoughts, feelings, and perspectives (unless there is abuse/neglect/harm involved), identify what’s working and what’s not, and work towards healthy solutions for the relationship/household. So how do you move forward? I don’t think you should go to your daughter and say “An advice columnist told me that the psychologist who said you were perfect was wrong! We’re finding a new one”—if she’s an adult, she doesn’t have to go with you elsewhere anyway. I also don’t think you should go back to this person, who clearly wasn’t a good fit, at least from your point of view. For now, family counseling is on hold. In the meantime, I think you and your husband should to seek therapy on your own so you can be in the best position possible to engage with your daughter in the future. Make sure to check reviews and ask some people you trust for recommendations this time around. —J.DH. From: Help! I Think Our Family Therapist Is Totally Gaslighting Us. (March 25, 2023). Dear Prudence, I am a white woman with thick, curly hair. I learned long ago that products and techniques intended for Black hair often work great on mine. Recently, after some internet research, I went to a new salon. I knew going in that I was not this salon’s, shall we say, target market. I was the only white person there, stylists included, and the products were all from Black-owned and generally Black-marketed brands. Everyone was very kind, and I didn’t get any weird vibes, although it was fairly quiet there. But afterwards, a Black friend (kindly) told me that, while she understood my hair struggles, I was invading one of the few safe spaces for Black women in our very white suburb of a pretty white big city, and she would guess the salon’s employees and other customers were not thrilled with my presence and would prefer I not return. My friend doesn’t go to this particular salon, but she is Black in our overwhelmingly white area, and dialed into that community and experience, and I trust her on this. I know and understand the value of safe spaces. But it was the best haircut of my life! And I don’t want to assume this salon doesn’t want my business—I’m a great customer, on time, friendly, and an excellent tipper. In addition, NOT supporting a local Black-owned business (the owner is a Black woman) seems like a perverse way to show support. Since I can’t exactly call them up and ask if they’d prefer I not come back because I’m a white lady, I am seeking a second opinion. Should I find a new salon? —All Curled Up Dear All Curled Up, I’m challenged by the story you’re telling here because of what I know about hair and hair salons, which is a lot: Without going into the weeds about the classifications of curl patterns, a white woman’s “thick, curly” hair and Black hair—the kind Black salons specialize in—are not one and the same. Unless you are getting braids, some other protective style, or a relaxer, I can’t imagine that this place would have anything to offer you that another salon wouldn’t. And if a simple cut—which is probably last on the list of things that would be done in a unique way at a place that caters to Black women—is what you’re there for, I would guess that the best fit for you would actually be a curly hair salon. That’s something very different, which exists in most cities now. Plus, a really good stylist of any race can do an excellent job on any hair texture. It’s part of their training and it’s really about technique more than identity. So I struggle with the idea that this salon is your only or best option. I had to get that all out but I will accept the facts as you’ve presented them here—that you got an amazing haircut the likes of which you’ve never been able to get anywhere else (I understand how valuable that is!) and are having a moral dilemma about whether to go back.I think you’re fine to return. But here’s the key: While you’re there, you need to just be a low-key white person. What is a low-key white person? My husband and I came up with this term to describe the kind of white person we like to be friends with. Someone who obviously isn’t spewing racism, but beyond that, isn’t exhausting everyone around them trying to get attention for their non-racism. They have good politics and hate bigotry, which you know from their actions and things that come up naturally in conversation. But they’re not so insecure that they have to hit you over the head with it constantly. They’re not trying to be edgy or in on inside jokes. They’re confident enough that they’re not racist to just be normal and connect with people on topics other than race. So, how do you behave like a low-key white person? You get your haircut, read your magazine, know that your intentions are pure, and don’t seek any validation from your stylist or fellow salon-goers. You chat about the weather and the parking situation. You refrain from making announcements about how coarse your curls are and how it traumatized you as a child so you can really understand what all the other women in the salon are going through, or how you would have voted for Obama a third time, or about how your parents are super racist and you just don’t know why but you blame Fox News because they’re really actually good people, or how much you love and appreciate Lizzo. (By the way, you can work on being low-key with respect to any marginalized identity. For example, I aspire to be a low-key straight person, by refraining from annoyingly trying to set every gay person I know up with every other gay person I know just because they’re gay. You can be a low-key able bodied person by not falling over yourself to use a condescending voice to offer help to anyone using a wheelchair, etc.).The main thing that makes a place like this salon “one of a few safe spaces” for Black women is likely that it’s a place where they are not the recipients of microaggressions, or aren’t being used as sounding boards for self reflection on race or as dumping grounds for guilt about white privilege. They’re not forced to cater to anyone or explain anything. They’re spending time with people who see them for who they are and not “that Black lady.” If you successfully pull off low-key white person behavior, you won’t ruin any of that. The concern that your friend (who knows you better than I do) expressed about how you might ruin the vibe of this place makes me slightly worried that you don’t have a history of being low-key. So does the small whiff of “I’m a hero for helping out this Black salon and being an amazing customer and tipping well” in your question. I don’t know, I don’t have enough to go on. But just reflect on whether you could mellow out and do more to conceal the fact that you’re preoccupied with the racial dynamics there. Finally, do a simple little investigation into whether you’re welcome by asking your stylist, “How often should I come back?” Anyone who remotely wants you to return will say: “We have to keep an eye on these ends. Let them know at the front that I’d like to see you every six weeks.” —J.DH. From: Help! I Know This Black Hair Salon Isn’t for Me. But I Can’t Resist. (Feb. 13, 2023). Advice Dear Prudence Parenting