My Wife Had My Phone While I Was in Surgery. The Texts When I Woke Up Have Totally Freaked Me Out.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about some very unexpected messages. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, I recently had a scheduled surgery. Not for anything life-threatening, but serious enough for general anesthetic, and nerve-wracking given potential consequences if it went wrong. Thankfully, it went fine. While I was under, my wife looked after my phone. She gave it back after the surgery. I turned it on to find several obscene messages from an unknown number, including one that used a nickname for me not many people know, and another reading, “Loved Saturday and can’t wait for you to be in me again.” I spent the previous Saturday with my brother, as I told my wife. I was freaked out by the messages and blocked the number, along with telling my wife about it. She suggested it was spam or a scam, but mainly focused on helping me recover. We didn’t pay it much attention with everything else going on. A bit later, I got a text from my brother later asking, “How’s the wife?” I replied that this was a weird thing to say and did he mean to ask about my surgery. There was some back-and-forth, then finally, he called to demand to know why I was lying and if I hadn’t been “in trouble.” I asked if he’d sent the messages and he admitted yes, “as a prank,” expecting that my wife would snoop through my phone while I was out. I said that was a deranged thing to do and could have endangered my marriage. He said that was the idea. I knew he was never keen on my wife (he blames her for me kicking him out after a year of mooching on our couch after he left college), but this blows my mind. He actually got angry when he heard my wife saying she would never believe I was having an affair with someone who spelled as badly as he did, and I cut off when he insulted her. This is the last straw for me. He is the baby of the family and relies on me and our parents doing everything for him, meaning he currently lives in their house since I kicked him out. I have told them what happened and said I’m done having a relationship with him until he apologizes to me and my wife, and commits to therapy for what I think are serious issues. While our parents were shocked when I showed them the messages, they think I should let it go given “he’s always had a weird sense of humor.” They think I’m over-reacting, as do other relatives who now know (my brother gossips). If my wife wasn’t the most level-headed woman on earth, I dread to think how this would have gone! I love her, I love our marriage, and I’m so angry he did this while I was in surgery. The problem now is that I risk seriously damaging my relationship with my parents, since I will not visit while he lives there and they have brought him up in every conversation since. Can you advise on how to handle this? This was an unhinged thing to do, right, and I’m not overreacting? — He’s 25, Not 15 Jenée Desmond-Harris: Do you want to share your favorite line? Lizzie O’Leary: Yes please, because it is one hundred percent something I would say. “He actually got angry when he heard my wife saying she would never believe I was having an affair with someone who spelled as badly as he did.” Yes, ma’am. I get you. Now I do not like the part about the brother getting angry, but this tells me all I need to know about this woman and how she feels about her brother-in-law. But also, what the heck? This is just so … juvenile. I don’t actually know where to start with all of this. It’s a bad prank, a cruel one, and also just sort of … dumb? If it weren’t for the family pressure, I would just ignore someone who behaved like this. Jenée: Why does it seem like parents always take the side of the terrible sibling? I mean, I guess I get it. They are taking the side of wanting a unified family without regard for anyone’s feelings. But come on! I wonder if the solution is to reconsider not visiting when the brother is around and just go ahead and visit and treat him like the weirdo he is … maybe make fun of him a little? Like “Pete, do you have any practical jokes planned this holiday season? Just make sure to work on your spelling if you want things to land, okay?” Lizzie: Yeah, I think the parents here are going for peace and also probably feel at a loss to deal with their failure-to-launch son. I wonder what our LW wants from the family here. Is it just recognition that this is bananas behavior? Because I think if that’s the case, he can try saying that to his parents (without the brother around). And they might actually agree. I can’t tell if making fun of the brother would work or not. He seems like he is pretty sensitive and unpredictable. But I think there is a way to insert some distance here that is not all or nothing. Not “I am not coming to your house,” but a bit of a fade until there is recognition/apology. Am I naive in imagining that? Jenée: A fade from the brother or the parents or both? Lizzie: Both, at least for now, since they are living in the same place. Jenée: Yep, I think that makes sense. There’s nothing wrong with a break, and the official duration of it doesn’t need to be announced. I forgot to answer the specific question: Yes, it was an unhinged thing to do, and no, you’re not overreacting. In fact, my idea to make fun of the brother was bad because I don’t want him to kill you guys or something. What he did was just diabolical enough to scare me. So I take that back. Lizzie: Oh yes, diabolical behavior. One hundred percent. Can I say just one more thing? I know 25 is an adult, but when I saw that age, I was like “oh, this is just an underdeveloped person who might get their shit together.” But maybe that’s because from the ripe old age of 50 I have seen some people do that! So, maybe a temporary ice out will convey that this is not acceptable and things will change. You never know! Jenée: And in the meantime, do something nice to thank your wife for trusting you and putting up with this crap. Advice Dear Prudence