My Wife Dominates the Conversation at a Party. The Way She Does It Is Driving Me Mad.

Dear Prudence Here she goes again. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Nov 02, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by vladans/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My wife and I have recently retired and now frequently attend social gatherings for drinks and snacks. This has never been my favorite activity, but I attend willingly and attempt to engage in the inevitable small talk, but I usually end up sitting there mostly silent and bored. I’ve discovered that one of the main reasons for this is that my wife just talks too much. She has an immediate reply to every comment, and this frequently leads to her telling a long story from her past that has little to do with the conversation. For example, during a discussion of favorite pizza shops, she told a 10-minute story about an apartment she shared with a friend 35 years ago. The story included where her roommate was born and raised, how her parents divorced when she was a kid, details of how they became roommates, who she married, where they live now, etc. The punch line was that the shared apartment was upstairs from the best pizza shop in town. This is a typical pattern. I attended a couple of these gatherings on my own when she was not available and had a much better experience. I was able to engage in the discussion, and the conversation flowed. I have brought this up with her, and she acknowledges that she tends to overshare. She agreed to try to listen more, comment less often, and keep comments brief. This lasted about 10 minutes at the next gathering, and I was afraid that she was going to explode! Then, she returned to her old pattern. I have begun to decline invitations to these gatherings, which she does not approve of. I’m at a loss for how to handle this to protect my own sanity. She loves these types of get-togethers and wants to attend two to three times a week. I would be happy going once a month, and I’m willing to decline invitations with a simple, “No, thank you.” She feels this is rude and does not want to attend alone, which would be fine with me. How do we resolve this? —Bored Dear Bored, I wonder whether you’re wound up a little too tight about this. Some people talk a lot. Some people talk way too much. This is part of the texture of the human experience. It’s not a crime, especially at an event where the only objective is to hang out. She’s not derailing work calls or homeowners association meetings with her bad stories. If no one has complained to you and you’re still receiving invitations, that’s an indication that her behavior isn’t outrageous. I’m inclined to tell you to enjoy a few more drinks at these events to help you loosen up a bit, but that’s not a healthy solution. So here’s the more mature version: Could you take a deep breath, listen to the story, enjoy your snacks, appreciate that you two are socializing with your friends, and remind yourself that the stakes are pretty low and she isn’t harming anyone with her long-windedness? Are you open to looking for indications that others enjoy the fact that she entertains everyone and guarantees there won’t be any awkward silences? If not, given that your wife has acknowledged that she overshares and attempted to improve (and by the way, I admire that you two were able to have this conversation without anyone’s feelings getting hurt!), maybe you could agree on a sign or a code word that you could use to encourage her to get to the point of her story and wrap it up. If that doesn’t work and these experiences are simply unbearable for you, tell the white lie that you’ve been more tired lately, need to do your Pilates, or, for whatever reason, only like to do happy hour rarely (you’re retired! Which means you’re at an age where you can kind of say whatever you want and have whatever quirks you want without much judgment) and attend once a week instead of two or three times. Tell her this is a requirement in order for you to have patience with her 10-minute pizza restaurant tales, and that it’s the best thing for your otherwise great marriage. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, “Daisy” was the nickname of my beloved grandmother and the name of my childhood best friend. I always wanted to use it for a daughter, and after two boys, I am finally pregnant with a girl. The problem is my sister-in-law has never been pregnant or engaged, but feels free to try to boss everyone’s lives around based on her opinions. She had to be booted out of a wedding party because she would not shut up about the bridal choices. She already got into it with me about how I can’t “steal” the names on her baby list. Luckily, my husband and I hated all her boy names, but Daisy is on the list, and even if we waited until the baby was here, I don’t want my experience with my newborn to be tainted by her tantrums. She lives with my in-laws, so it isn’t like we can just ignore her. My husband thinks of his sister as a screw loose but always feels keeping the peace is more important since she will never change. I just want to be happy and at ease when I get my little girl. Help! —Daisy Chains Dear Daisy Chains, Please explain to your husband that the only way to keep the peace with someone like this is to let them treat you horribly and make ridiculous demands of you for the rest of your life, so you may as well just end the peace now. Name your daughter Daisy. It’s a win-win because you get to do what you have every right to do, and you’ll be sending the message that you won’t be pushed around by her—especially once you have a kid to think about and less energy to tiptoe around the feelings of unhinged loved ones. When she gets upset, which she will, remind yourself (and your husband) that if it wasn’t this issue, it would be something else. And it’s not your problem because you’ve done nothing wrong. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I own the alley that runs past my house. The park is right in the back of my house, and the local kids will use it as a shortcut rather than taking the long way around. The problem is we just got a rescue dog, and she is very reactive, which we are working on. Some of the local brats find it funny to run by and slam on the fence to get her worked up. I have been getting noise complaints from neighbors. Putting up a sign and posting on local social media haven’t gotten me anywhere. I finally had enough, so I put a gate in the alley with a no trespassing sign. Now I am getting even more complaints because the parents can’t send their precious little darlings straight to the park on foot but have to drive them, since the long way includes walking with no sidewalks and near a busy road. I had one lady actually confront me at the mailbox and tell me I needed to just keep my dog inside. I am very much a live-and-let-live kind of guy, but this is nuts. I can’t think of any other solution other than what I did. Help! —Mr. Gate Dear Mr. Gate, Deliver the same short and sweet message to anyone who complains: “I was willing to let the kids come onto my property in the past, but now that I have a reactive dog, it’s not an option. I’ll let you know if anything changes.” This may mean you have to live with the knowledge that your neighbors aren’t happy with you, but at least that involves a lot less barking than your dog being upset. Classic Prudie When my twins were born, it was very traumatic. I was on bed rest for five months and both our boys were in the hospital for weeks afterward. Five years later, they are happy and healthy. I want another baby, but my husband reacted badly to the idea. We fought about it for months, and counseling didn’t help much… Advice Dear Prudence Marriage