My wife constantly rejects my sexual advances… and it’s driven me into arms of other women

DEAR DEIDRE: CONSTANT sexual rejection by my wife has driven me into the arms of other women. I’m not proud of myself for cheating but I have normal needs and don’t want to be celibate. Now I feel that paying an escort is my only option. I’m a 48-year-old man. My wife is 47. She has starved me of sex and even affection for most of our ­marriage. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! We’ve been together for 23 years, married for 19, and have two young adult kids. Our sex life before we married was never great, but then it gradually died. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial Now we’re only intimate about twice a year. It’s like clockwork — we’ll have a quick kiss, some touching, and then, quick as a flash, it’s over. She refuses to give me oral sex and doesn’t tolerate it, either. We haven’t done that since we were first dating. I have tried everything I can think of. I’ve been patient, kind, done my share around the house, backed her career, helped care for the kids, paid for hotel weekends away. But nothing changes. She’s not interested. A couple of years ago, I started looking elsewhere for attention. I went on chat sites, then met a couple of women for drinks and kisses, and finally, last year, I had a one-night stand. I regretted it instantly, and felt terrible, but didn’t tell my wife. Since then, the temptation to stray hasn’t gone away — if anything, it’s got stronger. But the thought of having an affair makes my heart sink, so I’ve started thinking about paying an escort instead. I know it’s wrong but I don’t see another option. What can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: The more your wife rejects you, the more you seek validation elsewhere. It’s understandable, you have normal needs and a desire to be wanted – but you’re not solving the problem, just creating a bigger one. Instead of treating the symptoms, you need to solve the cause – deep-seated intimacy problems in your marriage. You have three choices: accept the status quo, which isn’t a long-term solution, work on this problem together, or leave your marriage. An escort doesn’t want you, just your money. So you’ll feel worse. Cheating isn’t the answer. Talking is. My support pack, Different Sex Drives, has some useful information for you but it’s likely you and your wife need couples counselling, which you can arrange through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org). PORN HABIT DESTROYING ME AND MY SOCIAL LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING porn is taking over my life and I hate myself for it. I want to stop but keep slipping back into old habits. The shame is overwhelming. I’m a 34-year-old single man and have never told anyone about this. I started watching in my late teens but over the past few years it’s gone from an occasional pastime to something I feel compelled to do every night after work. I’ll tell myself I’ll just watch for ten minutes, then it’s after midnight and I’ve wasted hours scrolling. The next morning I feel disgusted with myself and promise it won’t happen again. It’s starting to affect my confidence and social life. I’ve cancelled plans with friends because I’d rather stay home and watch porn. I also worry I’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship again. How do I get over this? DEIDRE SAYS: Take credit for seeking help to get control of this habit – porn sites are designed to keep you hooked. Asking for help means you’ve admitted you’ve got a problem and you can begin to tackle it. Read my support pack, Internet Pornography Worry?, which has more information. You may find it helpful to consult the Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 01926 339 594), for tailored sex addiction therapy and porn addiction counselling. Also, see Pivotal Recovery (pivotalrecovery.org), an affordable therapy-based programme to quit porn addiction. THERAPY MAKING ANXIETY WORSE DEAR DEIDRE: COUNSELLING hasn’t helped me at all – it’s left me feeling more confused and dejected than before I started. I’m wondering if the problem is the counsellor, the type of counselling or me? I’m a 42-year-old woman who’s struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem for years. My counsellor is kind and supportive, but she never gave me clear guidance or explained how therapy was supposed to work. She just expected me to find my own answers and I have no idea what they are. I’ve ended up feeling like I’m failing at counselling, just like I’ve failed at my relationships and career. Would CBT suit me better? I’ve read it’s more practical and directive. But the NHS waiting list is so long. DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t see this as a failure. Different types of therapy suit different people, and it sounds as though this non-directive style isn’t the right one for you. Maybe you do need a more structured approach. CBT is designed to be more direct, with therapists explaining their techniques, setting goals and helping you challenge unhelpful thoughts. It’s worth a try. If the NHS waiting list is long, ask your GP if there are local charities or low-cost services offering CBT. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information and links to organisations who can advise you. DRUNK SAYS HE STILL LOVES ME DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend’s drinking habit is making our relationship impossible. But what hurts most is that he refuses to come to my home and is so non- committal that when I mentioned getting married one day, he said we should just be friends. I’m 52, he’s 55 and we’ve been together for three years. He’s a heavy drinker. Before we met, he’d regularly knock back ten pints a night, or two bottles of wine. To his credit, he cuts down when we’re together. But as soon as life gets difficult, he reaches for the bottle again. He blames his traumatic childhood and the death of his dad. He also has a really bad relationship with his mother, who sends him nasty messages through mutual friends. Whenever that happens, he becomes angry and withdrawn. Sometimes, he’ll swear at me, even though I’m only trying to support him. I go to his place every weekend, but he’ll never come to mine because he feels uncomfortable around my sons. It’s now been a whole year since he visited. But he insists that he loves me and when he’s sober he can be lovely. I just don’t know what to do. DEIDRE SAYS: He may say he loves you but his actions don’t match his words. Yes, he clearly has deep-seated issues, but he shows no sign of dealing with them. You can’t change him – only he can do that. Ask yourself what you’re getting out of this relationship. It’s clearly not making you happy. Perhaps it’s time to tell him you need some space. If you’re always there for him, there’s no incentive for him to get help. Read my support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, and encourage him to get professional counselling. If things don’t improve, you may want to think about walking away for good. Comment now