My Spouse Does Something Really Uncomfortable After I Orgasm. It’s a Turn-Off.

How to Do It It’s like he loses control. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by asiandelight/iStock/Getty Image Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My spouse and I (two men) enjoy giving and receiving oral. I’d say we tend heavily toward vanilla and are both “sides.” The problem I have is that when I orgasm, I become instantly and insanely sensitive anywhere near my penis. He likes to be up close and prolong the ejaculation window by continuing to stroke and lick. I experience intense discomfort. But, weirdly for him, this is when he can get aggressive and domineering by continuing to try to be close to my penis either orally or manually. We’ve talked about it while being far removed from the bedroom, and I try to convey to him how much this is turning me off. He is kind, loving, and generous outside of the bedroom, but it’s like he loses control. I do not feel comfortable discussing this with my doctor because he’s young and I’ve only seen him twice. I even told him that when I was young, I was extraordinarily ticklish and, brothers being brothers, I was often brought to tears by their antics. Could this be a little bit of PTSD? Not the act itself, but the feeling that he is not considering my discomfort. It’s only become a thing in the last few years, and I’m far removed from my childhood. —Don’t Touch Me There Dear Don’t Touch Me There, Your response might be rooted in your childhood. I can’t say whether or not it’s PTSD—that’s for you to figure out, hopefully with a therapist that you’re comfortable speaking frankly with. But I’m not even sure the source of your discomfort is important. What you should be focusing on here is your spouse’s actions. It’s extremely common for guys to get sensitive upon ejaculation. Anecdotally, it is also common for guys who helped facilitate ejaculation to want to keep going. Why? I don’t know. But I do know that this has caused me to say, “Stop,” in the moment and sometimes squeeze their hand or push it off me if they’re not getting the message. I think you should consider being proactive in the moment, if you’re comfortable with that. If physically removing your spouse’s hand from your penis when you’ve had enough seems like an uncomfortable prospect, consider a safe word. Your spouse losing control is an explanation but not an excuse; his continuing despite your discomfort is, in fact, inexcusable. If someone cannot stay in control, they cannot respect their partner’s consent and revocation of it. That’s a huge problem. Many would leave a partner who proves unable to control himself, especially when it happens repeatedly. Searching for reasons as to why you feel the way you do post-ejaculation directs at least some of the blame from your spouse to you, when it should all be pointed at him. Your request of him is simple: Lay off my dick after I cum. If he cannot do this, it is he who needs to do some soul-searching and perhaps seek help. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My friend (and mistress) and I have excellent chemistry. She reads my reactions well and can always push me out of the green into the orange, but never reaches red. Recently, she used her insights and started a little anal play with fingers and toys. This was never a hard limit, but it wasn’t on my list either. I went places in subspace I never went before; it was amazing. Now she wants to use her strap-on and up the ante. I’m game, but this is new to me. What are the best practices to stay clean and keep this from becoming a crappy experience? What are your suggestions for prep pre-play? —Behind on Cleaning Dear Behind on Cleaning, It’s wise to be vigilant about what might come out of your ass when something is going in it, as unless there’s a shit fetish afoot, most people would really rather avoid mixing pleasure and excrement. That said, the best attitude to adopt here is one of cautious positivity that remains in place even in the case of a slip-up (slash out). Shit, as they say, happens. Accepting that reality and being able to roll with things even when less than ideal will save you from undue stress and keep things sexy. You can’t control how your partner reacts, but you can try to set a tone that is relaxed about the body’s natural functions as they are, after all, inevitable and not always timed perfectly or easy to navigate around. So with the awareness that you may not be (or stay) perfectly clean every time, my first recommendation is to start taking a fiber supplement. If you can get it to where your stool is reliably solid, you’re going to have a much easier time flushing it out if you douche. There are many different ways to go about supplementing with fiber—psyllium husk works for a lot of people. You can get generic stuff that you mix with water and slurp down before it forms a gel for pretty cheap. Just start small. If you start taking too much too quickly, it may cause excessive gas, which is going to put a big cloud over your sexy time (again, unless there’s a fetish there). Douching can be a great way to achieve a poop-free bottoming experience. Just use a small bulb. This one from Future Method, a company co-founded by friend of the column, Dr. Evan Goldstein, is great and specifically designed to not overload your rectum with water. Too powerful a stream can mess with your lining in there. It’s best to go low volume, low water pressure. Without the aforementioned fiber, this process can take literal hours, depending on your digestive system. I’ve found that once you are dosing the proper amount of fiber (it can range from person to person), douching is a 15-minute job, max. It also couldn’t hurt to get a good probiotic base to go with the prebiotics (the aforementioned fiber). Kimchi, sauerkraut, yogurt, and kefir are just some of the foods that are good for gut health. After douching, wash your anus with soap and water—you may as well jump in the shower if you have the time and energy, though a spot cleaning works too. It’s important to clean the area around what you just manually emptied. Some people will be very careful to avoid greasy or otherwise system-challenging foods in the 24 hours or so before they bottom. You can, but again, depending on your system, this might not be necessary. You will probably have a trial-and-error period as you begin your cleaning-out journey. Again, patience and a certain resignation that body parts will do what body parts do will serve you well as you find your butt-cleaning groove. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, My boyfriend does not orgasm. We have a great sex life as far as I can tell: I orgasm repeatedly with him in various positions, and he gives every indication that he’s close or even actually is having an orgasm, but there is no ejaculation, and he does not lose his erection. As a result, we’re just limited by my stamina, which I’ve never encountered. I truly could not ask for anything more, but I worry I’m enjoying myself more than he is. We’ve talked about it, and he assures me that he has always been this way, and he gives many indications that he is equally turned on and enjoying himself as much as I am, but I still worry. Is this a thing, or did I just win the lottery? —Steak Too Juicy, Lobster Too Buttery, Orgasms Too Plentiful? Dear Steak Too Juicy, I’m confused. If he is giving “every indication” that he is close to orgasm and then having one, why do you think he isn’t? Is it simply because of the lack of semen and his ability to keep going? Those two phenomena are indeed possible with orgasm—the former might be retrograde ejaculation or dry orgasm (instead of exiting the penis, semen enters the bladder), and the latter occurs in multi-orgasmic men. Some guys also practice semen retention by deliberately orgasming without ejaculation. You say you’ve discussed this, which suggests that none of these things are happening and your boyfriend is simply not orgasming. But in case the conversations between you two about this have not been specific, this is just to let you know what might be happening physiologically. In any event, take him at his word. He is enjoying himself. If he has a difficult time cumming perhaps he has come to be at peace with enjoying sex without orgasm and/or pleasing his partner. You’re having a great time, so don’t worry. Trust that your partner will let you know if and when there is, in fact, something to worry about. —Rich More Advice From Slate My partner and I (19 F, 18 M) have enjoyed an amazing sexual and romantic relationship at a distance during the pandemic times (we live at opposite ends of the country). For a little context on our sexual history and preferences, we are both very kinky people. I am a sadistic, exhibitionist dominatrix and she, a masochist, also very exhibitionistic, submissive. We are deeply in love and treasure the relationship that we have. Advice Sex