My Son Says This Phone Setting Would Make Him Feel Safer. This Is Too Much.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Cristian Borrego Sala/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I have an app that tracks my 16-year-old son’s location. Downloading the app was actually his idea, because he didn’t want to have to answer me when I texted asking where he was. We’ve had this app since he got his phone about two years ago, but recently he’s been getting mad that I don’t share my location with him in return. He claims it makes him feel “unsafe” to not know where I am. Do I really need to do this? I’m an adult who’s entitled to privacy! If he texts or calls and asks where I am, I will tell him. But if he can see my location at all times, I feel like he will not respect my time (for instance, insisting that I’m “just doing [whatever], so you can leave there and give me a ride”) or will nag me about leaving work on time to do something he wants me to do for him (which may or may not actually be a priority for me). I’ve also considered the possibility that he wants to know where I am so he can avoid running into me when he doesn’t want me to know what he’s doing. Another possibility: This would allow him to speedily and half-assedly do his chores when he sees I’m en route home. (These predictions are based on his past behavior.) But on top of all of that: I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the past year, I have been seeing a man I feel strongly about but am not ready to tell my kids I’ve been dating. If my son had access to my location, he’d definitely ask questions about who I’m visiting during their weekly day-long visits with their dad. My son says all of his friends’ parents share their location with their kids. I say my whereabouts are none of his business. What do you think? —Only Fair to Share? Dear Fair, I guarantee that his friends’ parents do not all share their locations with their kids. Not to mention that even if they did, it wouldn’t mean you have to share yours with your kid. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that your whereabouts are none of your son’s business, they certainly aren’t all his business. You should absolutely not feel obliged to share your location with him. (Then again, I don’t feel obliged to share my location with anyone, and I’ve never asked anyone—not my husband, not my daughter, not my closest friends—to share theirs with me. Location-sharing seems to me too much like surveillance.) But to each their own. If your son wants to continue to share his, for his own convenience—as you say—more power to him. And if you want him to be trackable at all times (so that Find My Friends kills two birds with one stone), better yet. But that still doesn’t mean that he gets to surveil you in turn. Is this “unfair”? Well, you’re the parent, remember? You’re not equal partners. But if you’re inclined to be sympathetic to his argument, my vote is that you agree, this double standard will not do. Have him remove you from his Find My Friends. Problem solved. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Several months back, my sister, “Elie,” moved into an upscale suburban neighborhood with her 6-year-old daughter, “Bianca.” She would not have been able to afford it, but she moved into a house with four roommates (two men and two women, one of whom has a 3-year-old), so that’s what made her share of the rent doable for her budget. Elie admitted to me last month that these aren’t roommates. She and they are in a polycule. I was surprised, but since she’s happy, I figured that was all that mattered. Then our mother somehow got wind of it and lost her mind. She tipped off Bianca’s dad and he called CPS on Elie, claiming his daughter was in danger of being sexually abused by the other adults. There was a brief investigation, everyone in the house was interviewed, and nothing untoward was found. Elie has been furious with our mother (and I am too) ever since. With the holidays coming up, my sister and I plan on celebrating without our mother. Our older brother is pressuring us to have the usual family gathering at our parents’, claiming that our mother was just looking out for Bianca’s safety. How can I get him to understand how serious such an accusation is? —Furious Dear Furious, Your brother can try to pressure you into attending your parents’ Thanksgiving dinner, but he can only succeed if you let him. Rather than putting your energy into (probably futile) efforts to make him understand why you and your sister are so angry with your mother—because, honestly, if he doesn’t get it, he isn’t going to get it—work on extricating yourself from conversations that are not productive, and finding polite ways of letting your brother know that this is not up for discussion with him. Then, perhaps, if in time you and your sister each decide it’s worth it to you—if you want to have a relationship with your mother in the future, and your sister wants her to have a relationship with Bianca down the line—you can open up a channel of conversation with your mother. Once the initial (justifiable!) fury has calmed, it may be possible—if, as I say, keeping your mother in your lives matters to the two of you—to help her to see why and how what she did was wrong. If she doubles down on how she called Elie’s ex only because she was worried about Bianca—insisting that this was, and is, her “right” as Bianca’s grandmother—Elie might point out that if she has concerns, bringing them up directly with her is the only appropriate action to take. Elie might also tell her that if she has doubts about her ability to take good care of her own child, there is a problem between them—Elie and Mom—that needs to be addressed. And for good measure: Both of you need to spell out clearly and calmly that inserting herself into your lives the way she did in this instance will not be tolerated. Of course, if this awful incident was not an outlier but only the last straw after a series of intrusions and other unacceptable behavior, that’s another thing altogether. In any case, your brother is not part of this equation, even if he thinks he is. (Is inserting oneself uninvited into others’ situations a family trait?) And you will all be better off at Thanksgiving if you have separate celebrations this year, rather than forcing a big family gathering that’s poisoned by anger, aggrievement, resentment, and distrust. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I are in agreement that kids should stay off social media and that smartphones are dangerous for them. We have a 14-year-old, “Evelyn,” to whom we have given a flip phone with no internet access. We are waiting until she’s 16 before she gets an iPhone. She has access to a computer for schoolwork and can use her Mac to text her friends if the flip phone is too frustrating. Evelyn doesn’t really mind. She understands that smartphones can be harmful to kids. It’s my very tech-savvy parents who disagree. They frequently tell Evelyn behind our backs (but she tells us!), “Your mean parents don’t know anything.” Recently, they told her they would buy her a phone and keep it at their house, where she’d be able to use it. Evelyn says that the things they say make her feel uncomfortable and caught between our views. We don’t know how to bring this up with her grandparents, and when we talk about this with other parents, they always tell us that we are wrong. Please help! —Outnumbered Dear Outnumbered, How do you bring this up with your parents? How about, “Evelyn will get a phone when she turns 16. Period. If you can’t abide by the rules we’ve set around phone use, visits with our daughter will stop.” If you want to toss in a line about it being unacceptable for them to undermine you, mock you, or insult you, do it. (I would.) If they are shameless enough to argue with you about this, or—worse—complain to Evelyn either about you or about her “tattling” on them, I certainly would pull the plug, at least temporarily, on them spending time with their granddaughter when you’re not present. As to other parents’ opinions: Don’t let them get to you. Don’t even discuss this with them. If you are having doubts about the wisdom of sticking to your guns, you and your husband can revisit the subject as needed. Usually, I’ve found, when other parents’ opinions about childrearing get to us, it’s because we feel insecure about what we’re doing. Likewise, people are quick to pass judgment on others’ parenting decisions because they are deep-down nervous about the choices they have made, and feel that other choices implicitly cast judgment on theirs. Pay attention to your intuition, your values, your ideas, and your own child’s needs. All the rest is noise. —Michelle More Advice From Slate I have a 14-year-old stepson whom I first met when he was a toddler. He spent weekends with his father and me until he was 7, when he moved in with us because his mom moved out of state and we were awarded physical custody. When we got married several years ago, I asked him what he wanted to call me, and he said “Mom.” He is smart, bright, funny, and generous, and he has a heart of gold. He deserves to have present, loving parents as much as every single kid out there does. And yet, I do not love him. Advice Family Kids Parenting