My Son Loves His Grandma. Unfortunately, We’ve Had to Cut Her Out of Our Lives.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Standart/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My mother-in-law has had a long history of addiction and mental health issues. Several years ago, she actually lived with us, and during that relatively stable period of her life, she was an integral part of our household. Unfortunately, her mental health issues (mostly delusional paranoia about the government and other entities invading her private life) went unchecked, and her refusal to address them has meant that we have had to cut her out of our lives for the past two years. My wife and I have a wonderful 11-year-old who was recently diagnosed with level-2 autism and suffered a TBI when he was 2. He is a kind, loving, communicative child who forms strong bonds with family, especially adults. As you can imagine, our child is confused by the situation with his grandmother. Emotionally, he misses his grandma and all the good he remembers. Cognitively, we are sure he would not understand the true extent and danger of her mental health. Do you have any recommendations on how best to communicate and work through this situation with him? —Communication Difficulties Dear Difficulties, I don’t think any 11-year-old, whatever their cognitive abilities, could (or should) “understand the true extent and danger” of his grandmother’s paranoid delusions. An age-appropriate fact is that grandma is a wonderful person, but right now we can’t see her, and that sucks. Share minimal details and follow his lead for sharing more. If he asks follow-up questions, I think euphemism and obfuscation is fine—“She just can’t right now, but she would if she could”; “She’s got a lot going on right now.” Instead, redirect to focus on good memories: “It was so great when grandma lived with us”; “Wasn’t it wonderful when she made banana bread”; “You had such fun reading Frog and Toad together.” To be clear, if you told me you had a neurotypical child, I’d share the same advice. An 11-year-old child doesn’t need to hear about your mother-in-law’s paranoid delusions or why you felt you had to cut her from your lives. Meet him where he is—a boy who misses his grandmother—and empathize with him there. Dear Care and Feeding, I know there are worse problems out there, but my 3-year-old was recently introduced to profanity by her older cousins and now refuses to stop cursing. Just yesterday we were in a grocery store when someone spilled a drink at the Starbucks and she loudly said, “Oh, shit!” People laughed and I was embarrassed. Time outs and taking away privileges have been ineffective. We are headed to my in-laws for Thanksgiving this year. My mother-in-law has always been extremely critical of me and I am mortified at the prospect of her thinking I am sanctioning my daughter’s foul language. My husband has been useless; he is practically dancing with anticipation at seeing his mother’s reaction! How can I cure my daughter’s potty mouth in less than a month? —Scrambling to Stop the Swearing Dear Scrambling, Your daughter will stop cursing when you stop giving her so much attention when she curses! You need to start ignoring her use of bad language: no threats, no pleas, no laughing or gasping in horror. Just act as if she said something innocuous and carry on. Will this work to get her to stop cursing before Thanksgiving? Maybe or maybe not (especially if your husband can’t get on board, too). So accept right now that you can’t keep your daughter from dropping curse words in front of your mother-in-law and make a plan for if she does. If she was a reasonable person, I’d say you could give her the reasonable and true explanation: That you daughter was taught to curse by her cousins, attempts to get her stop haven’t worked, and you’re currently trying to ignore her doing it. But since it sounds like she’s not a reasonable person, I think you can skip trying to make the situation palatable for her. Or better yet: Leave it for your husband to do. —Logan More Parenting Advice From Slate We have two sons, 6 and 4. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and I’m a technology executive. Both my boys love books. My 6-year-old reads like a 7- or 8-year old, and my 4-year-old reads like a child in kindergarten. Assuming my 6-year-old has a good day—eats his three squares, does his math and reading comprehension sheets (my wife used to be a teacher), and generally behaves—he asks me to buy him a new book every evening from Amazon. On average we are spending $10 to $15 a day on books, which luckily is not a financial imposition. My wife thinks I’m being indulgent, though. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids