My Son Is Showing Signs of Having “Basement Dweller” Energy. I Need to Fix It Before It’s Too Late.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ampak/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 13-year-old who, from birth, has been a sweet, inattentive ADHD kid who has never ever desired the satisfaction of hard work. I’ve been pushing back on him and attempting to instill intrinsic motivation for seemingly 12.5 years. I avoid rewarding him for work 90 percent of the time, and attempt framing leisure activities through the lens of freed time rather than a bonus. It’s simply not his personality. In school, any curveballs of extra work shatter him; at home, he’s begging for payment. Currently, he is at scout camp out of state, and we are getting calls that he wants to change all his activities to anything easy so he can earn badges with minimal effort. It’s truly frustrating in the moment, but in the long term I worry for him! We have lots of discussions about having basement dweller energy because the only thing he will put effort into is … you guessed it: video games. I’m not a miser, but I do heavily regulate them. He’s beginning therapy for his executive function. My daughter is headstrong and feisty and tons of fun but struggles with motivation in that the moment things require some skill upgrade/practice, she folds. She loves school and joining activities, but the moment she assumes someone is “better” than her at something, it means “everyone” is better and she is the worst. No amount of discussing time and effort can convince her that others are naturally gifted and she isn’t. It’s a huge struggle and limits her in things she could truly enjoy. I value boredom in my home in hopes that they’ll find a spark, but I need help! —Motivation Dear Motivation, When it comes to stopping activities, your kids seem to have different motivations—or lack thereof. Your son doesn’t put in the work it takes to get what he wants, and this will be a huge problem as he grows older. You’re right to worry about him having basement dweller energy because, unfortunately, he does have it—possibly through no fault of his own, as lack of motivation can be pretty common for people with ADHD. You’re going to have to put your foot down and push him toward practicing two essential traits: commitment and follow-through. I’m not sure if the activities at camp are those he actually enjoys. So when he comes back, have him choose an activity to sign up for, one that he will need to commit to participating in for a full season, session, or period. You can follow common advice for making tasks easier specifically for those with ADHD. For example, you might break up the task into smaller chunks by telling him he needs to present you with options of activities to partake in by a specific date, then he’ll need to sign up by a following date, and so forth. Make sure he chooses something he really enjoys. It can even be gaming-related since that’s something he loves to do, but it should be structured (for example, an e-gaming team versus just him playing games at home). Your daughter is simply afraid to fail. But failing at things is the only way we grow. We can’t get better if we don’t at first try and then keep trying until we get it. Push her to also try something new and stick with it. It’s important that she doesn’t quit and that she stays in it. In the end, she’ll be so proud that she did. And hopefully, she can take that lesson with her into things she’s scared to do in the future. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have a 4-year-old daughter, “Sienna.” Sienna is going to be a big sister in September, and she is not happy about it, to put it mildly. When we told her about the baby, she threw a gigantic tantrum. Since then, she keeps asking if we can give the baby away when it arrives. It didn’t help matters when my father-in-law jokingly told her right before the baby shower that we were “trading her in for a newer model.” Now she thinks her dad and I don’t love her. What can we do to help Sienna understand that love is not a finite commodity? —Baby Blues Dear Baby Blues, It’s really difficult for younger kids to understand that their parents’ love can grow and grow. But keep telling her every chance you get. Explain to her everything you’ll do when the baby comes and how she’ll be involved. “When the baby comes, what about if we go on family walks together to the park so we can remember to get some fresh air?” or “You love waffles! What about if we make them on Saturday mornings with fresh berries, and soon, the baby can have the berries and eventually the waffles just like you.” Of course, you’ll also want to get her involved in the physical preparation for the baby, too! Maybe have her help pick out stuffies for the baby’s room or give her simple tasks like placing diapers in a plastic bin. Help her feel and take part in the excitement the rest of the family is currently basking in. Then, one important but not always easy thing to do is to create a tradition that includes only you and her or you, her dad, and her. This isn’t easy to keep up with a new baby, but each kid needs alone time with their parents, and so making a promise now and then sticking to it when the baby comes can show her early on that you mean what you say. Pick something that’s doable with a newborn, like a bedtime routine you and her dad can plan around, ensuring that one person can help the baby during that time so that Sienna still gets what she needs. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My 14-year-old son, “Chris,” refuses to wear deodorant. The school has contacted us about it to get our permission to discuss it with Chris. He has been bullied at school about it, and people have even changed lines at the grocery store after standing behind him, giving Chris horrified looks. We have bought his preferred brand of deodorant, and yet he never wears it. He is very tall for his age (over 6 feet), and he participates in sports, so his smell can be overwhelming. His smell has made me gag more than once. He will shower and wear clean clothes, but will do nothing about the body odor. His twin brother started wearing deodorant last year and has confronted Chris about it because people complain to him about the smell. They both will be entering high school in a few weeks. Chris’s twin has begged me to force Chris to wear deodorant. Obviously that is a non-starter. It would be great if he could start off this next chapter not as the kid that other kids avoid sitting near. Any advice would be appreciated. —How Long Must I Hold My Nose? Dear How Long Must I Hold My Nose, I think Chris is old enough that you can simply ask him why he doesn’t like wearing deodorant: Is it itchy or affecting his skin? Does he want to try different types, like a spray or a powder? Is it about hiding another part of himself he thinks he’ll be bullied for or something emotional and not physical? Is it a way to make as many decisions as possible without anyone else telling him what to do? It’s important to talk to him because 14 is very different than an 11-year-old who might be struggling with remembering to put deodorant on or changing hormones. If there doesn’t seem to be a real reason (or not one he’ll admit), you do have to just tell him that while you won’t force him to wear it, you really would like him to and that hygiene is part of being in community with other people. Talk about the difference between decisions we make for ourselves and decisions we make because they affect other people around us. Reinforce that hygiene can be part of being a good neighbor and is not about taking away his individual choice. —Arionne More Advice From Slate About a month ago, we were at a relative’s house and our young children (three daughters, one son) were playing on a small electric ride-on car they had sitting around the house. You know, one of those tot-sized Jeeps that can actually zip around at 5 mph. My in-laws were also there, and as soon as we saw their eyes light up my husband and I specifically asked them not to buy our kids an electric car of their own. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting