My Son Has a New “Hobby.” Please, No.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Prostock-Studio/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My son has been spending too much time “in the bathroom,” if you know what I mean. Even worse, he’s been using my very expensive lotions. Every time I ask him why half of my lotion is gone, he always outright denies it. I suspect it probably has something to do with the concerning amount of time he spends in the bathroom. And at all hours of the day. I know he isn’t showering, the faucet is never on. I know he isn’t using the toilet, because I never seem to hear it flush. The other day, when I went to supply the bathroom with towels, I heard it: the sound every parent of a pubescent boy dreads to hear. What should I do? How do I approach this? —Concerned Mother Dear Concerned Mother, Yikes. This is NOT something you should be investigating anymore. Your son is furiously masturbating, no big deal. I’d address this problem head-on: Buy him an industrial size vat of cheap lotion, give him some old towels or mismatched socks, and allow him his privacy. If you see the bathroom door is closed, maybe you should tend to your vegetable garden, or pop in your Airpods and take a walk. I’d say about 8,000 steps should be enough time. And because I take my job seriously, I want to not only offer advice, but provide a service. I took the regrettable step of Googling “best lotions for masturbating.” It has turned up some truly horrifying results, but here are three that I found: First was Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion. Second, good ol’ reliable unscented Cetaphil. And third—and maybe this is too on the nose—is “Dr. Tuggs Gentleman’s Lotion.” So you’re welcome, but try not to embarrass your son. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I now have to destroy all my devices so I don’t end up on some fascist government-sanctioned pervert list. —A.J. More Parenting Advice From Slate My parents had me very young, and were, as far as I know, happily married until recently. My dad had an affair with a younger woman at work, got her pregnant, and my parents divorced. My mom died shortly afterward in a way that was maybe an accident or maybe suicide, and I’m still grieving her. This all happened around my own wedding and as you can imagine it was messy and sad. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids