My Sister Just Told Me the Tale of Her Latest Hookup. I’m Very Concerned.

How to Do It He gives me the creeps. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Prostock-Studio/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My sister “Alyssa” and I are both in our early 20s. We’re quite close, and sometimes we talk about our sex lives and give each other advice. Recently, Alyssa has been telling me about a guy who is worrying me. She met “Nick” (same age as her) at a party, went home with him, and hooked up with him. Neither one had a condom, and they ended up having unprotected penis-in-vagina sex. But the thing is, apparently Nick also tried to reinitiate sex multiple times after they were done (but this never went further), and told her “don’t go” in a silly/flirty way when she said she had to go. She left, came home without incident, and says everything was consensual and fun. Even so, I’m worried. I repeatedly told Alyssa that Nick’s behavior creeps me out and is red-flaggy, but she’s not very open to this and plans to see him again. So I offered her condoms I had on hand, encouraged her to take a pregnancy test, and since I know she’s never done this, encouraged her to get tested for STIs too. She’s … kind of listening to me? She took some condoms, but seemed a little resistant to doing anything else, even though I know for a fact she doesn’t want to get pregnant yet. For the record, I’m not judging! I’ll be the first to admit I engage in plenty of risky sexual behavior myself. I hook up with people from dating apps and have unprotected oral sex with them all the time. But I always bring protection, get tested frequently, and if someone tried to reinitiate sex a second time in one night after I’d turned them down the first time, I’d feel pretty iffy about seeing them again. Ultimately, of course, it’s Alyssa’s choice. It’s her body and her life! I don’t want to be overbearing or hypocritical, and I respect that everyone has a different risk profile. But I’m still worried about her. She’s younger than me and not very experienced with casual sex. I’m scared Nick will hurt her or at least make her uncomfortable. It’s not even the unprotected sex that worries me so much; it’s Nick’s behavior. I don’t think Alyssa is necessarily in any danger, but I’m still worried. Should I keep trying to talk to her about this, or is it just not my business at this point? —Concerned Sister Dear Concerned Sister, How much of a history do you and Alyssa have with you trying to help her avoid mistakes that you can see the potential for and are worried about due to your slightly larger amount of life experience? She’s past the age of legal adulthood, and while it’s tempting to prevent our loved ones from learning lessons the hard way, you need to respect her autonomy and right to make her own mistakes. The most relevant reason for this is that if you push her too hard now, you risk alienating her to the point where she’s too embarrassed or too angry to reach out to you for advice or support if something serious occurs. Take the long view. You already clearly communicated your current concerns, so back off the subject. You may not want to ask your own parents about this for one reason or another, and if that’s the case, I recommend you reach out to other moms and dads in your life for insight into how they handle the emotions associated with caring about someone who is doing what adults do—taking risks, which means an inherent possibility of some amount of danger—as a way of helping you find your own method of sitting with that worry. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My wife, a woman, and I, a man, are both in our late-40s, have been married 25 years, and have never had a mind-blowing sex life, but neither of us is dissatisfied. However, over the past few years, I’ve reached the point where I just do not orgasm when we have sex. When my wife cums, she cums hard. And I love it! Whether it’s through oral or penetration, I absolutely love what happens to her body during an orgasm. I think this is creating the issue. Afterward, she has to take a break, and my libido just slips away. Even when I can get it back, going back to intercourse is a no-go because it’s not comfortable for her. We’ve tried lube without success. We have tried different positions, but because her pelvis is tilted—we learned a LOT about this when she was giving birth to our kid—only missionary works for her. I know that sounds vanilla, but that is also not a problem for me; we love the eye contact. She has also been very generous with blowjobs and handjobs when we resume, but I can only reach orgasm maybe one out of four times with that. She’s very discouraged that she’s lost her touch, but that isn’t it. She gives great head. There are other complicating factors, too. I’ve had some hormonal imbalance caused by a couple of different things, but for at least the last two years, all my levels are where they should be. I’m worried we are close to a point of no return here, and that we will be closing up shop by the time we’re 50. Is there anything else we can do to get rolling again? —Can’t Quite Get There Dear Can’t Quite Get There, If your wife is open to it, the thing to try first is her delaying her orgasm until you’ve had one of your own or are so close to one during penetration that your orgasms would likely coincide. This is a time-honored solution when the genders are the other way around, and, stripped of the male and female specifics, it does seem pretty simple and reasonable: One person can’t continue after an orgasm, so they hold off until the other has had theirs. Maybe the two of you alternate whose release is the priority each time. As for your anxiety about sex ending by the age of 50, you have already had to navigate changes in the ways the two of you have sex, and you’ve found ways to keep the spark, joy, and satisfaction alive. You’re doing it well. Use all the skills that have helped you along the way to keep accommodating yourselves and each other as changes in your lives and bodies continue. You might find yourselves reconsidering what sex means, can be, and can look like. You might get curious about types of sexual interactions you haven’t explored, or return to activities that worked really well at some point and lost their luster, finding that they are once again exciting in some way. You’ve got this, and I’m certain about that because you’ve already done it. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, What is the best way to deal with an exhibitionist? I live in a major metro and have encountered this problem on more than a dozen occasions. —Unwanted Eyefuls Dear Unwanted Eyefuls, If the exhibitionist is in a window, and you’re on the other side of that window, you either look away and go about your own business (something that is required multiple times a day in response to all sorts of things in any major city as a function of society) or you weigh whether it’s worth it to contact the authorities. If the window in question overlooks a school, for instance, and you’re certain based on the person’s behavior that they’re aware that people can see them and the behavior is actively sexual, I’d make the call. If they’re maybe dancing to a pop tune after a shower, possibly unaware they can be seen, and there is no school within line of sight, I wouldn’t. If the exhibitionist is in front of you, on the street or public transit (the flasher variety), you have to consider how increased personal risk comes into play. Looking the other way and going about your business, in this case, may require actually moving away from them, and that means staying aware as you’re walking while avoiding any body language or pace of movement that might feel like “prey behavior” to the person who is already exposing their genitals in public and therefore cannot be someone you can reasonably expect to, you know, not chase after people, just in case the exhibition is less about an inappropriate expression of the desire to be observed and more of an explicit sexual violation motivation. Using the side mirrors of cars parked along the street is one way of seeing what is behind you without obviously looking. Depending on how refined your sense of hearing is, that can also be an asset. And you always want to stick to areas with lots of other people around as much as possible in a dodgy situation. Confrontation carries the same type of risk. Whether you use shame, humiliation, or aggression, all of which they might actively get off on, they might escalate to violence in response. There is, however, something that can feel really amazing about confronting someone who is violating your own boundaries and autonomy, and successfully defending your right to exist without being forced into the role of voyeur. Again, involving the authorities is an option you can try. If you’re on public transit, that probably means the transit authority or conductor rather than the police, but they’re likely to involve the police at some point. Realistically, these sorts of public indecency issues are unlikely to get fully resolved based on one report, and you’ll need to make yourself available for paperwork, but it is a way of handling exhibitionists that is open to you. Lastly, commiserating with friends and acquaintances can provide a place to process emotions and get tips and tricks specific to your location. When you live in a community for long enough and talk to enough of your neighbors, you do get a sense of which oddball on the street becomes aggressive in what way, who responds immediately to a certain type of “nope, take that somewhere else,” and which bodega to pop into if you need the casual safety of being around people. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I am a 34-year-old woman and have been with the same great guy for almost a decade, married six years. He was my first long-term relationship and my first longstanding sexual partner. I have been on the small end of plus-sized since puberty and suffered from crippling body dysmorphia through my teens and 20s. I was convinced that men wouldn’t find me attractive. As a result, I felt in my 20s as though any sexual situation I found myself in was akin to a charity case on the part of the guy, and rarely stuck up for myself or explored what I enjoyed sexually… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex