My Sister Just Asked Us to Take on a Major Responsibility. My Answer Set Her Off on a Rampage.

Care and Feeding I’m her “last hope.” Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by oksix/IStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister “Hannah” and her husband have a 7-year-old son, “Troy.” A few weeks ago, she asked me and my husband to become his legal guardians if something were to happen to her and my brother-in-law. If Troy were a regular kid, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. However, Troy has intermittent explosive disorder. His frustration threshold is nonexistent, and he has had violent rages (hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects) since he was a toddler. Hopefully nothing will happen to Hannah and her husband, but if the unthinkable should happen, I simply cannot take on my nephew, given his issues. My husband and I have two kids under 6, one of whom has special needs, and I am not willing to put them in danger. When I explained this to Hannah, she became extremely angry and said that all of our other family members who could plausibly have taken Troy have declined, and I am her “last hope.” Now she is trying to guilt me by telling me that if I refuse and something happens to her and her husband while Troy is still a minor, it will be my fault when he ends up “institutionalized.” How can I make her understand why what she is asking of me isn’t possible? —We Aren’t An Option Dear Option, I think you are going to have to let go of your goal, because making her understand that you can’t take on this responsibility might help you feel better, but does nothing to help her. And it’s beside the point, anyway. You have every right to say no when asked to be the designated guardian of someone else’s child: It’s a big ask no matter who the child is, no matter what challenges that child faces and what problems come along with them. It is absolutely unfair for the asker to assume the answer will be yes or to become angry if it’s no. I do think it was tactless of you to explain in the way you did; it seems to me a simple, “I wish we could, but we can’t” would have been kinder—although if Hannah thought of you as her last resort (more tactlessness! Both you and Hannah might try to practice a little diplomacy), and she is panicked about what would happen to her son should she and her husband die prematurely, she would have reacted badly no matter what you said or didn’t say. If you can’t take this on, you can’t—period. Her understanding the reasons for your answer doesn’t help her solve her problem (which is not your problem to solve). Your response, when she lashes out, should be a sorrowful, “I hope that doesn’t happen,” which is simply the truth. Since it would be a losing proposition to try to persuade her to see this from your point of view, don’t do it. It would be an additional kindness to let her vent—even if this veers into meanness, which it sounds like it may have. You have plenty on your plate already, but that is your challenge to work out and work through. She has her own. (P.S. Please don’t divide up the world of kids into “regular”—or “normal” or “good”—and irregular/abnormal/bad ones.) —Michelle More Advice From Slate I am not a parent, but this advice column was recommended to me by a friend who’s a mom. I’m 34 years old and found out I was pregnant a few days ago. I absolutely do NOT want to have kids, ever. I’ve been using birth control pills, but I know they’re not always 100 percent. When I saw the test, my husband and I both immediately knew I needed to schedule an abortion (luckily, I live in a state where reproductive healthcare is very easy to access). I have the procedure scheduled in a week. Here’s the problem: My mother has a pattern of violating boundaries. Advice Family Kids Parenting