My Sister-in-Law’s Affair Blew Up Her Life. Now I’ve Learned She’s Telling Her Kids a Different Story.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. My husband’s sister blew up her marriage by having an affair with her boss. They both got fired and my brother-in-law filed for divorce. They are in a long-term custody battle over their two children, who are 10 and 7. My sister-in-law has been living in the attached granny flat on our property. I have tried to stay as far away as possible from this mess and to keep my 15-year-old daughter away as well. But now we’ve both been dragged in. My daughter came to me and told me that her cousins asked if it was true that their dad was the cheater and he did it with his new girlfriend. That is what their mom told them. My daughter said she didn’t know. I am so furious that I could spit nails. Not only is she lying to her children and trying to twist them against their father, but she expects our family to go along with it. I told my husband that I want his sister out and we are not going to lie to her kids for her. I was half tempted to go to my ex brother-in-law and warn him. My husband says he will speak to his sister but asked for me to have a little more patience and understanding. She is going through a rough time, he said. Well, she not only did it to herself, but she is hurting her children. My ex brother-in-law was a bore and a braggart, but he was and is a devoted dad. And the kids don’t deserve having their mother poison them against him. What do I do here? —Liar in the House Dear Liar in the House, She absolutely shouldn’t be lying to her kids. They deserve the honest truth. But it’s also not your role to fix that. Your job as their aunt is to be supportive of their needs right now, and kicking their mom out won’t help her be any more stable when it’s her time to take care of them. I agree that they should know the truth, and your husband should definitely push her to come clean with them in an age-appropriate way. She doesn’t need to get into the nitty gritty details of her affair, but she should be open about her role in the divorce and explain that “mom messed up” to take away the unfair animosity that’s growing against their dad. You shouldn’t lie to them, though. It’s important that you build trust, and sometimes, an “I don’t know” won’t suffice, so make sure your husband explains that to her, too. If they ask you or your husband the truth, you will feel compelled to tell them what happened. It’s all about the kids and their adjustment to this new world right now and not necessarily her comfort, so she might not like it. But, it’s a fair way to both support her and hold her accountable. —Arionne More Parenting Advice From Slate My daughter, “Susanne,” has recently started 6th grade. For the first week or so, she was excited to be starting middle school, but that quickly faded, and now she doesn’t want to go at all. Most of it is anxiety about dealing with one of her new classmates, “Peter.” Peter hasn’t done anything to directly harass her, but he seems to just be a weird, disturbing, and possibly disturbed child. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids