My Sister Has Plans to Kidnap Her Own Kids. This Won’t End Well.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Povozniuk/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister, “Angelica,” just went through an acrimonious divorce from her now-ex, “Mike.” Angelica and Mike have 4-year-old boy/girl twins, and their custody arrangement is 50/50 with the kids alternating who they will spend the holidays with. This year, Mike will have the twins for Thanksgiving, and Angelica is furious. The other night she told me she plans to take the kids up to our parents’ for Thanksgiving a couple of days before the holiday and not turn them over to Mike until afterward. I really think Angelica is about to make a terrible mistake by disregarding the court’s order; I have friends who are divorced with kids and have seen firsthand how little patience judges have for parents who violate custody rulings. What can I do to convince my sister to abandon her plan? —It’s Not Worth It Dear Not Worth It, First, let Angelica know that you’re empathetic: This is a sucky situation for her, and you understand how badly she wants to spend the holiday with her very young children—and how it feels to see them go off with someone who she deeply resents. Then share with her what might happen if she fails to obey the court’s orders; you can find out how those situations might be handled in your state and if possible, share examples from your circles if you can. Ask your sister how she would feel if her ex were to do the same thing to her come Christmas. Explain that by bringing the kids to a family celebration when it isn’t her custody time, she’ll be putting your loved ones in an uncomfortable situation. Remind her that many families divide time this way and that the next holiday (I am assuming), the kids will be all hers. Tell her that no matter how she feels about her ex, if he is a safe, competent parent, he deserves to have his time as much as she does. You can’t guarantee that she won’t make a silly mistake, but if she does, she’s likely to learn a hard lesson. Stay on her back. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My parents have been divorced since I was in middle school. It’s been more than 15 years, but time has done little to take away the bitterness. My mom lives locally, but my dad lives two states over, so my husband and I fly out to see him when the holidays roll around. We’ve always alternated whom we spent Christmas with between my mom and dad. This would ordinarily be our year to spend Christmas at my dad’s, but ten days ago I had our daughter “Zoey.” Zoey was born five weeks early, and my doctor said a few days before Christmas would be too soon for her to fly. My mom is coming to spend Christmas with us and now my dad is furious and accusing me of favoritism and “depriving” him from meeting his granddaughter for the first time. What can I do to convince him that it’s a safety issue? —Too Little To Travel Dear Too Little, Your dad is ridiculous for trying to guilt someone with a wet baby into doing anything, but I am curious to know something: if this year was supposed to take place at his house, how did you land on having your mother come to you instead of him? Is there a reason he can’t travel? Is your mother coming to be an extra set of helpful hands in a way that, well, most men of grandfather age might not be able to match? Patiently explain to your dad one last time that your baby is too small to fly and let him know why you chose to have your mother come instead of him. Let him know that you understand how disappointing this is for him and that it was not his grandbaby’s intention to mess up his holiday by being born early. Then, let him know that you are in the thick of the postpartum period with a preemie and that you are unable to discuss this further. If you wish, you can invite him to come visit at a time in the future that is convenient for your household. You don’t owe him anything else, but you can be gentle with his feelings if he’s largely alone and doesn’t get to spend much time with loved ones. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate My husband and I both work full time and have two children under 5. My parents strongly disagree with me (a mom) working full time outside of the house. They are both passive-aggressive and full-on aggressive about their disapproval. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids