My rules for a happy relationship with your adult children (and their partners)

, 57, founder of SkinRocks, is the outspoken queen of skincare, dubbed “the most powerful voice in the British beauty industry”. Born in Liverpool, she trained as an aesthetician in Paris and went on to found her eponymous beauty blog in 2010, at the age of 40. In her latest column for The i Paper, Caroline shares her rules on parenting adult children, and why she will never see her children as her “best friends”.When you first have kids, you don’t really picture them growing up to be adults. You’re thinking about this baby, not what they’ll be like when they’re 35 and have their own kids. And then, suddenly they do grow up and have their own children, and you’re thinking, “Shit, OK!” Parenting adult children is an entirely new experience. I describe it as a move from being a manager to a consultant. Day to day, I’m in the office working, but my kids know that whenever they need me, I’m there. As they grow up, you have to know when it’s the right time to step in, and when to back off. There have been times when my kids have said, “Mum, it’s none of your business”, and I’ve said, “OK, fine, go with God!” And then there are times they’ll actively come to me for advice, which is lovely. Shorts But, as parents, we also have to make peace with the fact that our children are also going to have to find out some things for themselves. I know that even if I can advise them, I will be frequently ignored. And you know what? That’s fine. I never took all my mum’s advice – you learn for yourself that you probably should. And when your kids realise you were right, they might not tell you that you were right, and you shouldn’t expect them to. It’s just obvious – they don’t have to say anything. The main thing I try to remember is I’m always the parent. Always. I don’t understand when people say, “My child is my best friend”. I love my kids, I’d die for my kids, but they’re not my best friends. I have friends, and I’m not looking to fill any vacancies. Lately, though, I have spoken to my kids a bit more about my own life, because I recently separated from their dad. We’ve had to be there for each other, as it’s a new world to navigate. We were one kind of family unit, and now we’re a different kind of family unit. The key to remember, for us all, is that we’re still family. When it comes to kids choosing their partners, you have to be prepared that you might not approve of their choice. I certainly do approve of the choices my kids have made, but it doesn’t matter if I do or don’t; you should only be worrying about whether your child is happy. I truly believe it’s none of my business what happens between my son and his wife – although they are very happily married – because that’s the mother of my grandchildren, and she’ll be my daughter-in-law for life. Some mothers do their sons a disservice by believing everything he says verbatim. The sun doesn’t always shine out of your son’s arse, and you’ve got to be aware of that. To be anything other than kind to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law – as long as it’s a normal, respectful relationship – is to make life really hard for your child. And why would you do that? It’s not about you – it’s about your kids and your grandkids. Some mothers do have trouble leaving their ego at the door. I had the best mother-in-law I could have asked for, and I always wanted to emulate that. I didn’t feel like when I would argue with my husband that she would automatically take his side. So I have always tried to make my children’s partners feel welcome, and I don’t get involved in arguments. I try to just stay neutral. You’re always instinctively going to want to make sure your kid is OK, but you can’t blindly support them. In a happy, balanced relationship, if there’s no abuse, then you as the in-law have to be a safe space for both parties to land, to be Switzerland for everyone – especially if there are grandchildren involved. The most important thing to bear in mind is that your relationship with your kids will change as they grow up, get their own friends, and eventually move out and get jobs. You see them less, they rely on you less, they call you less. But then when they call you, it’s like they’re a child again, and they want you to turn back into your “mum” self again. I used to do the same with my mum – I’d call her for help and advice, and want her to be in “mum” mode even though I was a fully-grown woman with four children. And that’s exactly how it should be.