My Relationship With My Girlfriend Is Perfect. But I Fear Her Kid Is Turning Me Into a Bad Person.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by stockphotodirectors/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years, and we’ve lived together for one. She has 50/50 custody of her 9-year-old daughter (“Betsy”) with her ex. They split the week, and I work long shifts in the hospital that usually coincide with when her daughter is with her, so I really don’t have to be around Betsy that often. But I recently took a week off to do some work around the house. It coincided with Betsy’s other parent’s trip, so I had a whole week with Betsy for the first time. I did not like it. I just find Betsy really irritating. I can’t really describe it more than that. I don’t like her or being around her. Things are always better when she’s not around. My girlfriend obviously loves her daughter, and I’d never tell her that I don’t like her kid, but she must pick up on it. (I’m not mean to her, just not interested, and I think that’s probably clear.) I guess I just wonder if you think I’m a bad person. I really love my girlfriend. I wish it was just me and her all the time. What do you do if you really don’t like your girlfriend’s kid? —Not the Stepdad Dear Not the Stepdad, Did you not realize Betsy was “annoying” a year ago when you decided to live with her mother? Did you all move in together because of a financial crisis? Did they move into your space? (If you moved in with them, you probably deserve to get cursed out real bad unless you’re covering the majority of the rent and expenses.) I’m trying—trying!—not to be too hard on you, but I can’t help but to assume that you have signed yourself, your girlfriend, and her child up for some very tough times, and potential heartbreak. As a co-parenting mom who divides her child’s time 50/50, the only romantic partners I have introduced my daughter were men who were interested in being a part of her life and whom I felt would treat her with the appropriate care and kindness. The idea of co-habitating with a man who secretly resented her presence has sent a chill down my spine. I have a lot of questions for your lady too; namely, what did she think was the state of the relationship between you and Betsy when she decided to co-habitate with you? Unless you somehow misled her, I think we can agree that both of you really messed up with this housing situation, barring dire circumstances leading to it. I realized you asked a question and instead of answering it thus far, I’ve chosen to lecture you. That’s because I want you to understand the danger of being a significant presence in the life of a child you dislike. You’ll either have to master masking your feelings, or you’ll end up making a very young kid feel unstable in her home. I would hate for this girl to have to face the reality that her mom chose to do life with a guy who doesn’t want her around. Are you a bad person? That’s not something I can determine based on the information provided, but I do feel confident saying you’ve made a huge mistake and you need to think seriously about how to proceed. You may be able to have a relationship with a single mother that doesn’t involve spending time with her child, but not when you literally live in the house with them. Do you plan on marrying this woman and/or having other children with her? If so, Betsy is going to be a big part of your life, and before you move forward even more, you might want to consider talking to a therapist about your feelings towards her. If all you wanted was a girlfriend and you didn’t intend to join the family, you need to come clean and deescalate the terms of your situation—and you must be prepared for the possibility that your girl would rather break up than to be less serious than you are now. I’m sure there are people who would tell you to just pretend to be OK with this kid, but I think that would be doing a disservice to you both. Betsy and her mom, as it stands now, are a package deal. If you don’t want the whole package, you should not be living with them. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Last weekend, my son “Rick” and I visited my parents’ to celebrate with family. My mother, “Vanessa,” has always been a manipulator of sorts. She made my childhood hell. Well this weekend, when we were loading our luggage into our car for drive home, there came a point when my son and my mother were alone in the driveway. Rick plays in the school band and brought his instrument to perform for his grandparents. After he had put his bag in our car, my mother asked him, “Are you going to bring your instrument, or are you going to have your mom bring it?” My son said, “Maybe” as he shifted things around so he could sit comfortably when my mother asked the question again in an accusatory tone. My son said, “Yes,” thinking about other matters; at that point, my mother began accosting him, saying that, no, in fact, he was just waiting for me to bring his instrument out. My son was upset at the fact that his grandmother was suddenly angry at him about something he had devoted hours of his time to. When my mother came back into the house, she said she was worried about my son being “lazy” and even told me, “I just don’t want to see you being taken advantage of.” This was said even when my mother didn’t care about me for all of my childhood. I don’t know what to do; my son is mad and doesn’t want to visit again. I want to see the rest of my family, leaving me torn. —Toxic Mom Dear Toxic, I can’t help but wonder if your mom saw (or perceived) you doing things for Rick over the course of your visit that she feels he can do for himself, and she couldn’t resist being Judge Judy about it. Either way, your mother caused you a lot of grief in the past, and you have a right to feel sensitive around her. Talk to your son about who your mom is, the good, the bad and the ugly, and be honest about why you choose to maintain a relationship with her considering how she treated you previously. If engaging with her is a consequence of seeing your other family members, both you and your son can try to limit your one-on-one interactions and keep your conversations with her surface level. If being around her comes with a guarantee of disrespect and disregard, however, and she’s now treating your son the same way she has treated you, you should consider if there are ways to keep up with your loved ones without having to deal with her. Regardless of what you decide longterm, the next time your mother says something to disparage your child, hold her accountable both for what’s wrong with her statement and the person she’s been to you over the years; for example, you can tell her, “My son is far from lazy, he’s a great kid and I’m proud to be the sort of mother to him I wish that you had been for me.” Is she going to react positively? Of course not, but we don’t let bullies have the last word. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate I (age 45) have been dating my partner (age 60) for 10 years, seven of which were during his marriage to the mother of his children. She discovered the affair, and I moved with him into the house he bought while they were divorcing. He has two daughters who are both adults. The older is 30 and the younger is 25. My partner’s younger daughter hasn’t spoken to him since shortly after the divorce, which I know hurts him deeply. I’ve never met her. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids