My Pregnant Wife Has Given Me an Impossible Ultimatum. I Don’t Know How to Choose.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ASIFE/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Four years ago, my wife, “Sarah,” and I went through a separation while we attempted to resolve some differences. During that time, I hooked up with a woman who accidentally became pregnant. I didn’t find out until she was almost ready to have the baby. By then, Sarah and I had gotten back together. I have made an effort to be in my son’s life (child support and seeing him on weekends). A month ago, Sarah learned that she is expecting twins. She has now demanded that I cease all contact with my son or she’s done with me. She has never been happy about his existence, and I have made sure never to bring him around to spare her feelings. But now I feel like I’m being put in an impossible position—either forget about my son or get a divorce. My son has a great relationship with his stepfather; in all honesty I think he’s closer to him than he is to me. Would the smart thing to do be to quietly fade out of his life so I can fully be in those of my upcoming kids? —Imposed Choice Dear Imposed Choice, You should stay in your son’s life. In fact, you might also consider bringing your son more into your life. It’s probably easier for your wife to suggest something so atrocious because she’s never met your son. Start by showing her pictures. Sarah has really put you into an awful position here. Neither of the options you’ve been presented are reasonable: You either split from your wife and have limited contact with your new children or you have to hurt someone you love. (And no, it will not be better for your son to have you fade out of his life.) And all for what? To make her comfortable? What kind of selfish person treats children (born or unborn) as tools to control others? I suggest that Sarah seek professional help, and also that the two of you start couples therapy. Explain to her that you want to stay together, but that abandoning a child is not the way to do it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find out that she is still extremely upset with you and is looking to use this situation as some sort of revenge. Sarah needs to forgive you for what happened while you were on a break if the two of you are ever going to have a successful relationship. The sooner she realizes this, the better. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I took our family to the beach last weekend, and I am outraged by something our 13-year-old son, “Simon,” did. Unbeknownst to him, I monitor his social media posts, and I was furious to find that he had taken and posted videos of women’s boobs and butts with his phone! I’ve taken away his phone and internet access aside from what he needs for school. My intention is for him to be grounded from his phone for a year and for his days on social media to be over until he is 16. My husband says I’m being much too harsh. I say Simon needs meaningful repercussions to emphasize the seriousness of what he did. Who’s right? —Volcanic From Vids Dear Volcanic From Vids, I think you’re well within your rights here. Take away the phone and keep him off social media. Do it for your son’s mental health. I don’t think anyone should be letting their child on social media until at least 16, if not even older. I happen to agree with the Australian government that kids just shouldn’t be on social media. It’s a terrible place and bad for them. In fact, I also don’t really think kids should have phones until they absolutely need them to function in society—and then they should have only the apps they need to function. Phones are a tremendous distraction and will limit their interactions with the physical world, including the people in it. Keep them off as long as you can. If you can use this event as a way to reset, go for it. It will be very hard since he’s already had a phone. If you do decide to give him the phone back, do the hard work of figuring out parental controls. (And let him know you’re monitoring him.) All that said, there is a bigger problem here. Simon’s behavior shows a general lack of empathy and respect for women. I don’t know that taking the phone away is going to teach Simon any kind of lesson about how to respect women. You need to solve that. Talk with your husband about this and ask him his plan for teaching Simon respect for other people’s bodies and privacy. Given his behavior, Simon clearly isn’t ready for social media, but he won’t magically be ready when he turns 16, either. You and your husband need to prepare him for the horrifying endless scroll of influencers, supplement peddlers and content thieves vying for his attention. Or maybe you’ll be lucky and in the next three years, Congress will have eschewed greed and passed comprehensive legislation regulating the social media juggernauts … just kidding. It’s on you. —Greg More Parenting Advice From Slate I am a happily married middle-aged woman with two girls, “Bailey” (16) and “Sera” (14). They are great sisters. They get along fine for their age, and they enjoy playing video games and reading books together. Bailey is extraordinarily patient with Sera’s anti-social nature, and they share everything together. My husband and I made the decision to homeschool them when Bailey was in first grade, and they are both ahead academically. They also have a great relationship with my husband and me, and although our circle is small, we are happy. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids