My Past Behavior Made Me Lose All My Friends. Now Something Is Threatening My Fresh Start.

Dear Prudence I’m not the same person I was back then. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 28, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, When I was 18 to 24 or so, I was so emotionally needy that I drove away most of my college friends, and two of my serious relationships ended because of my clinginess. Luckily for me, it finally sank in. I moved to a new city for work, and I had the chance for a fresh start. I put intentional effort into managing my feelings myself and not making every hiccup someone else’s emotional problem. In my current friendships, I rarely ask for stuff like that, and they’re much more stable. I’m proud of how far I’ve managed to come, although it’s still a work in progress. It’s been a decade since the move, and I haven’t destroyed any social connections. Recently, I was recommended for a big promotion at work, but it would require me to come back to my small college/post-college city. Quite a few of the people I ruined friendships with still live there. I want to take the promotion, but I’m worried about how to make/keep friendships in my old city, or if I’ve burned all my bridges there. —Reformed Cling Wrap Dear Reformed Cling Wrap, Before you do anything, give yourself a pat on the back for having done this much self-reflection and improvement. You deserve it. A lot of people never change the patterns that strain their relationships, and simply blame those around them for any tension or distance. Also, I want you to go into this new life with a confidence boost. You’re not some needy screw-up. You’re an emotionally mature (or at least maturing) person who has grown a lot in recent years. Do your best to bring this feeling to your new friendships in your post-college city. Yes, I said new friendships! I understand it’s a small city, but I am certain there are at least a handful of people there who you’ll like, and with whom you also have no negative history. In fact, you might find that the current version of you isn’t even drawn to the same friends you had when you were in your clingy era. If there are a select few old friends whom you really miss, you might feel that it’s worth it to reach out and be transparent about how you’re feeling. Try something like this: “Hey, I’m moving back to Tallahassee for a new job, and I wanted to reach out and say hi! I know that we grew apart mostly because of my behavior in the years after college and how clingy and needy I was. I completely understand why you didn’t want to deal with that. I’ve done a bunch of work and am much, much better now about not expecting others to solve my problems for me. If you’re open to it, I’d love it if we could dip our toes into hanging out again—and of course, if there’s anything you want to talk about regarding how things went down before I moved away, I’m totally open to that. Let me know what you think, and either way, I hope you’re doing well, and I’m sure I will see you around town!” But whether you’re reconnecting or getting to know new people, it’s really important for you to remember that clinginess isn’t a capital offense. You weren’t spreading vicious rumors, having affairs, or stealing. Be easy on yourself, because confidence that you have something to offer will make you happier and make you more appealing to be around. If you still have room to grow, or if you slip slightly back into your own ways, own it and apologize. Remember that being perfect isn’t a prerequisite for friendship. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My husband’s mother is in her late 60s and insists on wearing clothes that are way too young and small for her. We’re talking clothes geared toward women in their late teens to early 20s, and on top of that, she’s around 50 pounds overweight. Frankly, being seen with her is an embarrassment. I’ve asked my husband to speak to her about it, but he refuses because he doesn’t want to upset her. Would it be permissible for me to suggest that she wear something more flattering? —Fashion Assistant Mother-in-Law Dear Fashion Assistant, For all we know, your mother-in-law thinks you look out of date and frumpy and is embarrassed to be seen with you. In a society that encourages women to hate the way they look and hide their perceived flaws, if she has made it to age 60 feeling comfortable in her skin and excited about expressing herself through the clothing she likes, I consider that a win. If you’re really worried that being seen with her in her crop tops and leggings somehow reflects poorly on you, you do need to have a conversation with her. But it should be one in which she mentors you about how to care less about others’ opinions and be more self-confident. Classic Prudie My husband and I had our daughter a year ago. She is the light of our lives, and our parents adore her. Despite having a close relationship with my dad for 10 years before our daughter was born, my husband is suddenly cold and often rude to my dad. Whenever my dad comes over, he will often go into our bedroom… Advice Dear Prudence