‘My partner and I have a beautiful bond but we are opposed on the question of living together’

Dear Roe,We are a couple in our 50s and have been together for two years. We have a beautiful relationship. We love each other, we have fun, we consider each other in almost all aspects of our lives. We live on opposite sides of the country from each other. We see each other every week, sometimes for the weekend and sometimes during the week. We both work full time and have busy lives. We are both divorced and have grown-up children who have left home. The problem is that one of us wants us to eventually live together and the other doesn’t. We are usually very good at compromise and resolving problems between us but with this issue there doesn’t appear to be any compromise. We either live together or don’t. The one (she) who wants to live together sees this as the natural progression of a relationship and important for feeling safe and secure and fully wanted. They feel that a person isn’t “all in” in the relationship if they don’t share their lives fully. They feel very strongly about this and feel rejected by the other person, who can’t even see living together as a possibility in the future. The other person (he) doesn’t feel that living together is important and prefers living alone. They spent 20 years living with someone in a difficult relationship and they now like the peace and autonomy of living by themselves. They can’t see themselves ever living together full time. We have discussed this problem at length and are at an impasse. Neither of us is willing to compromise on this issue but equally neither of us wants to end what is otherwise a near-perfect relationship. Can you help?Your relationship sounds beautiful. You found each other after other marriages, other lifetimes, you love each other’s company, you have fun, you care deeply for each other and work through conflicts with admiration, consideration and respect. That’s all wonderful, so let’s not lose sight of how gorgeous and important that is as we dive into your question. You have come up against an issue. That doesn’t invalidate everything else that makes your connection wonderful.It’s clear from your letter that living together isn’t just about the act of cohabitating. It’s become hugely symbolic for both of you. For one partner it’s about feeling chosen, feeling safe, feeling like the commitment between you both is firm and enacted daily. For the other, living independently is about having autonomy, about enjoying personal space for the first time in maybe decades, about actively choosing each other rather than simply being forced to be around each other through your environment.READ MOREIt’s important to note that neither of these desires is wrong or unreasonable. And it’s also worth exploring the difference between what each of you actually need, and where you’re projecting certain ideas about love and relationships on to this question of living together, when they’re not actually innately true or necessarily applicable to your connection.For the partner who wants to live together, it’s worth asking whether you actually believe that love has to involve living together. It’s a societal norm for many couples, sure – but not all. Increasingly, the Living Apart Together movement has more devotees, of long-term couples living separately while remaining committed to each other. So do you genuinely believe love and commitment can’t exist outside that? Do you believe that living together automatically equates to love and commitment and lifelong happiness? (I’m guessing your previous marriage has given you at least some reason to question that logic, no?) Are you unduly worried about other people’s opinions? Are you holding on to narratives about what love should look like, instead of trusting the love that is being offered to you, in a slightly less traditional configuration?And for the partner who doesn’t want to live together, I think it’s very important to separate your feelings about living together generally from your past experience of living with your ex. Living in a house with someone unhappily while also raising children is not the same as living together happily with one person, and it’s not fair to your current partner to conflate the two. Is it not possible to imagine living together while consciously prioritising your needs, so that you have more space than you previously had, so that your boundaries are respected, so that you can prioritise peace and autonomy? Think about where you’re projecting the past on to this relationship, rather than genuinely trying to imagine a future with your partner.[ ‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’Opens in new window ]Individual therapy and couples counselling will be invaluable here to help think through these questions so that you’re not projecting old, unexamined fears and narratives on to each other and trying to force the other person to heal old wounds they were not responsible for inflicting. And if you both acknowledge and take seriously the core needs behind your individual preferences – her need to feel secure, his need for autonomy – you can start to have more open conversations about whether you can get those needs met in other ways, so that living together or not living together isn’t the only solution. For her, are there other things that could offer feelings of safety and closeness? For him, are there ways to consider living together that could still offer autonomy and independence?You can get imaginative here. You could consider moving very close to one another – the same neighbourhood, the same street, even the same building, while still maintaining separate homes. (My personal dream is to do what Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton once did: buy adjoining houses with a connecting door, allowing for privacy, independence and differing styles of decor, with the option of still having dinner together every night. I’m just waiting on that lotto win.) Could you spend three or four nights together every week, or spend three weeks together a month and a week separately? Could you get a house with enough space for him to retreat when necessary? How could you think about ensuring that he doesn’t feel crowded while she feels loved?Is getting married a conversation? Why or why not? It does convey commitment and gives you both some legal protection that could allow her to feel safe while still allowing you the option of living separately.Whether or not you’re considering marriage, you should be considering what the future looks like, and the practical considerations that will arise as you both get older. In both of your ideal scenarios, what do you imagine happening when one of you becomes ill, or develops increased care needs? What happens if travelling across the country every week becomes exhausting or impractical at 65 or 75? What obligations do you believe you have towards each other, and how do you see that playing out practically?You have been together for two years. It sounds like you want to be together indefinitely. So what if you gave yourself another two years to explore this question together, each committing to asking yourselves: “What am I willing to try?” Is she willing to work on trusting love, even if it comes in a different form than expected? Is he willing to try live together, without judging his partner against a previous relationship? What if you committed to considering these questions for a year, then living together for six months, then living apart for six months so that you can make a conscious, informed decision about how you want your lives to look moving forward?What you have is special. It deserves special consideration and effort.