My Parents Warned Me That My Husband Couldn’t Support My “Lifestyle.” I Should’ve Listened.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo byAlireza heidarpour/Unsplash. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My husband Jake and I married five years ago. We were dumb, young, and in love. My whole family was against the marriage. They said I wouldn’t be happy marrying beneath me. My mom said I was spoiled and Jake would never be able to spoil me. My sister said I was accustomed to an advantageous lifestyle. My dad said he would support me, but he won’t support a grown man. I told them all I didn’t care, I’m in love, and I would live in a shack in the country to be with Jake. So I married Jake. It was truly great those first couple of years. Now here we are five years later, and I’m not happy. He makes OK money for where we live—we pay our bills and that’s it. We don’t take trips, we don’t go out to eat, we argue about my hair and nail appointments or going to the spa. If I want to go shopping or on a girls trip, I have to rely on the money my parents send me. He wants children, but how, if we can’t even take care of me? I told my dad that Jake was finally ready to step up, and he offered Jake a position working for him—really nice money. Jake said no—he loves what he does and said that I should get a job. Does this mean Jake doesn’t love me? He promised to take care of me. He’d rather I live in squalor than he would grow up and get a real job. I love Jake, but I’m over this. I will not be getting a job myself. I’d rather go home. —Poor Housewife Dear Poor Housewife, No one is entitled to be taken care of their whole life. And yet, that’s what you want. If your husband can’t or won’t, then you’ll take Daddy’s money to fund the lifestyle you think you deserve. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you sound every bit the entitled, spoiled kid your parents and sister identified five years ago. Jake sounds a bit more evolved. He likes what he does and is willing to live within his means. You won’t, said you’re putting kids on hold until he can take care of you the way you want to be taken care of, and you’re not willing to work and contribute to the family’s household income. Wow! I’m not surprised he turned you down. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, by the way. It just means he won’t trade his self-respect for a bigger paycheck. And you clearly don’t respect him for that. It’s not much of a marriage if you don’t respect your partner. You didn’t ask what to do next, so I’ll call it like I see it: Free Jake to live the life and lifestyle he wants without rancor. You’ve experienced it his way, and realize you want something else. I think you should go home and find whatever it is that will make you happy. Life’s too short. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My house has a waist-high chain length fence with trees and bushes for privacy. I am the second house from the corner. I always had a good relationship with my elderly neighbor until her grandson moved in. He brought a demon dog. It is large, aggressive, untrained, and not fixed. It will get up and howl and snap even if I so much as poke my head out. My lawn service refuses to go into the backyard now. My neighbor makes excuses while her grandson blasts loud music at 3 a.m. and parks so people can’t get out of their driveways when his friends are over. My greatest fear is that the dog will get over the fence and attack some poor person and especially a child. There are schools nearby. I don’t want to get police involved since we live in a very red state and I think they might be immigrants. But the dog scares me so much that I can’t even open my backdoor. What do I do? —Demon Dog Dear Demon Dog, No one wants a scary dog as a next door neighbor, especially one that might be able to leap over the fence and launch an attack. The fact that your lawn service declined to enter your backyard means others agree and you’re not worrying about nothing. Still, let’s separate the issues. You’re thinking if you call the cops, the family (who may or may not be undocumented) could be in danger. And yet, with a dog like this, someone could get seriously hurt or even killed. In most places, animal control is a different agency from the police, and they handle dogs, not immigration. Call your city or county animal control’s non-emergency line and ask whether you can report a problem anonymously. Tell them what you told me: the dog lunges, snaps, and howls at the fence, it’s large and not fixed, and even your lawn service won’t go into your backyard. You should also start a paper trail, if you haven’t already. Take video of the dog’s behavior and make sure it’s time- and date-stamped. Offer to share that with animal control. Note each time you’re awakened by the grandson’s blasting music in the middle of the night or when you can’t get into your own driveway. Then, knock on the grandmother’s door during the day or when her grandson isn’t around and calmly let her know that you’re being inconvenienced by cars blocking the driveway and getting woken up in the middle of the night. Ask her to remind her grandson that you value middle-of-the-night peace and quiet and being able to access your driveway. While you’re there, gently let her know you’re worried the dog could hurt someone and that she could be held responsible if it does. If the noise and parking situation don’t improve, call your city’s non-emergency line or code enforcement. Finally, you’re guessing about your neighbors’ immigration status and building your decisions around it. While I appreciate your concern, this is your house. It’s not OK that you’re so frightened you can’t use and enjoy every part of your property. And if you ever see the dog running loose, call 911 immediately. —Ilyce Classic Prudie My husband and I are at crossroads about how to confront our sons about a discovery we made while visiting their shared flat. They are stepbrothers technically—note the word “technically.” My husband and I are both widowers who met and bonded at a support group for single parents surviving after cancer. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Marriage Personal Finance Relationships