My Parents Treat My Kids Differently Than Their Cousins. I Suspect There’s an Insidious Reason Behind It.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have two children under the age of 4, both of whom we adopted from China as infants. My brother and his wife have two biological children of similar ages, and we live within 50 miles of each other, so we meet up quite often for birthdays and holidays. I suspect that my parents are showing favoritism toward my brother’s children, who—like my brother, my parents, and me—are white. They give his kids better gifts, spend more time with them than mine if given a choice, are quicker to praise them, and often seem to take their side if there’s an argument. My parents have always been outspoken against racism and haven’t done anything actionable here, so I’m reluctant to accuse them. I also have a strong relationship with my brother’s family that I do not want to risk. But I would hate to raise my children in this family environment knowing that Grammy and Grampy love their blue-eyed cousins more. Am I overreacting? Or should I get my kids out of there while they’re still young? —Playing Favorites Dear Playing Favorites, If and when you speak with your parents about this, try not to think of it as “accusing” them, but rather raising a concern about something that affects your children. Also, you are not the one jeopardizing broader intra-family harmony—your parents are the ones who have done that, by favoring your brother’s children over yours. Even if race is at the root of it, they might not be acting intentionally; people who say anti-racist things can obviously harbor unconscious bias, too. Whether they’re guilty of some prejudice regarding their own grandchildren or are treating them unequally for some other reason you can’t guess, it’s the potential impact on your kids that matters most. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to cut your parents off immediately. If I were you, I’d want to at least try to have a conversation with them about this first. (For now, unless he gets involved or you want to confide in him, you can leave your brother out of it—it’s not his fault that your parents are behaving this way.) If, when you speak with your parents, you are uncomfortable naming their racism—or just unsure that it is racism—you can keep your focus on their behavior, and the impact you’re worried about. Talk about some of the differences you’ve noticed. Ask them what, if anything, is behind their actions. Make it clear that you do want them in your kids’ lives, but you don’t feel that you can simply stand by and watch while your kids are treated differently than their cousins, for fear of how it could hurt them in the long run. You can add that this feels especially important because your children are adopted, and should be able to grow up knowing that they are fully seen and loved and accepted as part of your family. If your parents get upset at you for raising this issue, that’s too bad. But it’s not your fault. And even if they get defensive, they might still feel sufficient shame or a prickle of conscience over the fact that you’ve noticed, and make an effort to change their behavior. If by some chance it has been subconscious, not a choice—if they really love your kids and want to remain part of their lives—then they will know what they need to do after you talk with them, and they should also want to do it. If they don’t, and everything remains the same, then I think your question about whether to “get your kids out” will become a whole lot clearer. I was the only Asian and the only adoptee in my family, and I had white relatives who did say things you and I and plenty of other parents today might find “actionable.” My maternal grandmother, for example, was supposedly pretty open about not trusting Asians before my parents adopted me. And yet I can’t imagine my childhood without my grandma; she helped raise me, and we were very close. When I think about actual harm done, I think more of the side of the family that never seemed to see or accept me as an equal family member—the ones who treated me differently from my cousins, and found fault with whatever I did. They never said anything about Asians, so it was a long time before I understood that my race probably had at least something to do with their treatment of me. To be clear, I’m not saying that the confusing, vaguely prejudicial treatment of one side was worse than the casual racism of the other; obviously, neither of those things were great. What I’m saying is that even “non-actionable” behavior can accumulate and feel just as bad, or be just as harmful, depending on the circumstances. One day, your kids will be able to make their own decisions about which family members they want to be close to or in contact with, but for now they have to go where you bring them. They need, and deserve, a strong ally in you. So one important question for you to ask yourself now is: What does my love for and solidarity with my children require of me? It could be a very different relationship with their grandparents, now or someday. It could also be recognition of what’s going on, and an attempt to change it. I recognize that it will be hard for you to start limiting your time with your parents if you ever feel you have to. But that, I think, is all the more reason to say something to them now, while there may still be some hope of awareness and correction. In the end, you and your spouse are the only ones who can decide how to move forward, depending on what your parents do or don’t do in response. You may well decide that distancing yourself from them has to be the next step if they fail to act as they should. Should that feel necessary to you, at least they’ll know why you stepped back. It’s understandable to worry about how being honest with those we love might upset or hurt them. But our most important relationships often require honesty from us, and a good and worthwhile relationship should be able to stand up to tough but necessary conversations. You don’t have to apologize or feel guilty for saying what you need to say on behalf of your children. Your first responsibility is to your kids and their wellbeing, not your parents or your brother or whatever “family peace” may come at your children’s expense. And I think that naming what you’ve seen and found troubling, and giving them the opportunity to think about and change their behavior, would actually be showing them a great deal of respect and grace, if that’s what you choose—it’s not something you’d do if you didn’t care about that relationship. —Nicole Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Parenting Advice From Slate I am struggling with my mother-in-law’s treatment of my children. My husband and I have two kids, ages 6 and 3, and my husband’s sister also has two, ages 4 and 2. The cousins love each other and get along well. My husband and I are close with his sister and her husband, and we all really enjoy each other’s company. But Grandma has a very clear preference for her daughter’s children. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids