My Parents’ House Is Infested With Roaches. My Husband Had Something to Do With It.

Dear Prudence They have no idea. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AGouldDesign/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Titrit/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Isabelle Kohn, a Slate senior editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, My husband “Ken” and my parents have never gotten along, but recently I discovered Ken did something that has me seeing red. I overheard a conversation he was having on the phone with a friend when he said, “The infestation was a success.” He then realized I had heard him and hung up. When I demanded to know what he meant, he equivocated before I made him reveal the truth: While my parents were on vacation last month and we went over to water their plants, Ken admitted to releasing a bunch of cockroaches in their home! Last week, they discovered roaches in their cabinets, and now they are all through the house. One of Ken’s friends works as an exterminator, and that’s where he said he got them. I don’t know what to do here. My parents will flip if they learn Ken was responsible for the roach invasion. Do I have to tell them the truth? —Cockroach Crisis Dear Cockroach Crisis, First of all, I am screaming. Secondly, I cannot believe you’re writing in with such a measured, nonchalant tone. Your husband unleashed a cockroach version of the scarab attack in The Mummy, and you’re not shrieking, too? This is truly cursed behavior, and I’m going to give you some advice that I almost never give anyone: Dump him. I’m the number-one biggest opponent of the idea that people should “just break up.” In my heart of hearts, I believe that there are ways to work through most issues, that few people actually mean to hurt each other, and that almost everyone is worthy of empathy. But this cockroach thing is so Machiavellian and immature that you might really have to dump this fool. I don’t care what your parents did to him to inspire this sort of revenge—it’s unforgivable, and 45 steps too far. If you tell your parents Ken did this, it will probably create an irreparable rift in their relationship with him, and with you. If you don’t respond accordingly—by leaving him, or at least insisting he get help—two things are likely to happen. First, they’ll severely question your judgment. Second, they’ll worry about you. If he’s capable of doing this to them, what’s he capable of doing to you? Dumping a box of centipedes on your head? Putting cat shit in your food? I’m guessing your parents want to think of you as happily, or at least neutrally, married, not as an unwilling contestant on Fear Factor. If they believe you to be partnered with a man who is capable of biblical evil, they may try to intervene, or they may abandon you altogether. Neither is what you want, I’m guessing. In fact, that’s why I think you should tell them it was Ken—to spark enough ire that they help you leave this relationship, and to create enough public accountability that he never does this again. If you hide it from them, you may lack the necessary social pressure to make a change. Right now, you probably need people to worry about you and tell you Ken is a nightmare. It might be necessary and beneficial for you to clock the expression that spreads across people’s faces, or to hear the disgust in their voices, when you tell them what he did. Sometimes, we need other people to act as mirrors to reflect things back to us that we cannot see. Right now, you can’t see how bad this is. Tell people so you can. And please, for the love of god, offer to help your parents with an exterminator—or better yet, have Ken’s stupid friend do it for free. Then help yourself by getting as far away from this person as possible. The fact that he did this implies that he has very little ability to handle conflict or communicate through it, and that he delights in other people’s suffering. He has no interest in being the bigger man, or in respecting you enough to treat your parents well, even if they don’t “get along.” His priority is being Jigsaw from Saw. Don’t give him a chance to sic that on you. If you want, for some unknown reason, to stay with Ken, there’s only one way I can see that happening: Your parents get to collect the cockroaches and put them in his car. Tit for tat. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, Last year, we moved into a bigger apartment and started being able to host people for dinner parties. Early on, we invited “Bill and Olive.” They were on a complex dieting regimen, and Bill kind of aggressively requested a specific recipe that I carefully shopped for and prepared. Thirty-five minutes after they were set to arrive, they texted that they were tired and couldn’t make it. It was frustrating to do all that specific meal prep and then have them bail last minute. Bill and Olive can be fun, but they seem to be flaky, so we’ve both relegated them to people we only make plans with if a last-minute cancellation won’t be a problem. Low-stakes stuff like a big group buying our own movie tickets or something. I see them often through work so we can’t totally avoid them, but my husband and I both agree we’re not compatible for close friendship. We do have other people over for dinner a few times a month, and it’s been great. Unfortunately, they’ve noticed they never get invited, and Olive texted me fishing for invites. I’ve been brushing it off, but it keeps happening. We’re in our 30s; we’re too old for this high school social drama. How do I gracefully keep the status quo? We’re not compatible—the initial dinner thing was rude, but I need to be polite because of work. Casual friendship would be fine, but not more. —Not Doing That Again Dear Not Doing That Again, You mentioned being too old for high school drama, but you’re the one being a bit dramatic! You had one flaky experience with them, and you’re already writing them off. Are you sure you’re not compatible for a close friendship just because they canceled at the last minute? If that happened frequently, I could see your point. But it seems like this was one egregious instance of flakiness, and they’re making a genuine effort to see you again. To your credit, the way they flaked was annoying. Aggressively requesting that someone whip up—and pay for—a special meal, then sublimating into thin air when it’s time to eat, is wildly inconsiderate, and warrants a much-deserved eye roll. I think you’re right to be trepidatious, but if you really want to avoid drama, stop caring so much about what they did. Throw your hands up, open your little hearts, invite them to group dinners, and see what happens. If they flake again, so be it! Your other friends will be there, and you’ll still have a good time without them. You mentioned casual friendship with them would be fine. Group dinners would be pretty casual! But if you’re dead set on never seeing them again, you have two options. First, you could be honest and tell them why: You’re hesitant because of the dinner thing. This would be straightforward and bloodless, but it could also make you seem overly sensitive and like you’re going the scorched-earth route (perhaps so much so that they’d lose interest in being friends with you anyway, which may be what you want). Your other option? Ghost them. No communication is communication, and if you truly don’t want them around, not inviting them to hang out and ignoring their bids for attention effectively counts as you showing them the door. I don’t think you need to be overly polite because of work. Friendships come and go. Relationships evolve and devolve. If you kick them to the curb, they’ll get over it. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I are both 25 and expecting our first baby. His parents divorced when he was a baby, and up until last year, he had the best stepmom, “Maria.” I never had a close relationship with my own mother, and Maria really filled the void. Last year, everyone was shocked when my father-in-law announced he wanted a divorce on what would have been their 25th anniversary. Maria was just devastated and still is. She never had children of her own and was an only child herself. It doesn’t help that my father-in-law is going full mid-life crisis, including dating a girl only two years older than us, and demanding that she be included in every family event, like my baby shower. I told my husband that will happen over my dead body. I want Maria to be involved with our baby and be the extra grandma she was meant to be. I will be polite and civil, but how his dad is acting is nothing but gross. My aunt-in-law and her daughters are appalled too and have invited Maria on two of their girls’ trips this year, and that just caused a huge family feud with my father-in-law. My mother-in-law is not someone you would call a warm person, so Maria will basically be the only grandma our baby gets. My husband loves Maria, but he is very stressed about being put in the middle. Help! —Father-in-Law Feud Dear Father-in-Law Feud, That sounds so awkward! I’m sorry you and your husband are being put in the middle of all this. Divorce is one thing, but a divorce in which one person expects their family to unilaterally cut their ex out of their lives is a different beast. Unfortunately for your father-in-law, that’s not how relationships work. People bond and start to see each other as family, and you can’t just rip that away from them. I fully support you and your husband continuing to see Maria, and I think your family should include her to the degree that feels best for both them and her. It sounds like she’s had a positive impact on a lot of people, and like she’d be a lovely grandma and role model. You deserve to have her help, care, and warmth, and your baby does, too—even if she’s not legally part of your family anymore. If your father-in-law doesn’t approve of this, too bad! He can’t control other people’s relationships. It’s not up to him who they see, and if that upsets him, that’s his problem, not theirs. Hopefully, realizing this will relieve some of your husband’s anxiety. Knowing that his father is an adult who is responsible for his own feelings might help him see that this is not his cross to bear. Just as your father-in-law can’t control anyone’s relationship with Maria, your husband cannot control his father’s emotions. That said, he can be kind and empathetic to his dad. If he’s able, your husband should really try to hear his father out and imagine what it would feel like to break up with Maria, only to have his family keep seeing her. It might feel like the relationship was never really over, or like he couldn’t really get the space he needed to move on. It would also maybe feel like the family was choosing Maria over him (not true, obviously—but that’s probably how it feels). If your husband is able to help his dad feel understood and seen, that might do a lot of the heavy lifting here. Beyond that, there’s not much for any of you to really do other than spend time with people you care about. This situation is fresh, and these things tend to just work themselves out over time. Here’s one thing that I hope helps, though: When my parents got divorced, my mom stayed extremely close with my dad’s parents, who were, in some ways, closer to her than her own. To this day, she still talks to my dad’s mom once a month, and she flies out to see her several times a year. They are, for all intents and purposes, still family. So it’s possible! I hope you and Maria get to say the same. —Isabelle Classic Prudie I adore my son, but my pregnancy was a trial through the pits of hell. I was hospitalized continually in my last month, and my heart rate dropped so low it actually stopped once. While my son and I came out the other side OK, I am never going through this again. My husband has agreed to get a vasectomy. We agree this is for the best. My husband’s sisters unexpectedly cornered him over us having a second child, and unfortunately he was honest… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence