My online affair revived my marriage – but I don’t consider it cheating on my wife

I’m having an online affair. I met this woman on a website for people looking for connection. I have no intention of ever meeting her in-person, but we message each other each day, enjoy getting to know each other and are thoughtful towards each other. My wife and I have been together over 20 years and I love her dearly, but life has become boring and predictable. My online relationship has improved things with my wife; somehow it has bought some excitement back. My wife even said that I seem more enthusiastic lately. We’ve never met in person and I have never – and will never – so much as kiss this woman. Am I doing anything wrong? Yours, CM, age 53 Dear CM, I’m going to be very direct because I feel like you’re in some ways asking me for permission to keep in touch with this woman and you say clearly that you love your wife, so this doesn’t seem to be an affair that is signalling a choice to end your marriage. This emotional affair is a fantasy. It’s a projection. It’s the honeymoon period of a fantasy. You don’t know her, she doesn’t know you. You’ve not met in person which leaves room for both of you to fill in lots of blanks in the most flattering way. Shorts I imagine the conversation feels intoxicating with no discussions about whose turn it is to cook tonight or clean the bathroom; or any of the other responsibilities of both adulthood and long-term relationships. Your online relationship is like a holiday from everyday responsibilities. It sounds like it makes you feel so alive that you believe that your own marriage has been enriched. But I find myself far more concerned about what is real: your long term wellbeing, your marriage of over 20 years and the woman who is sitting online chatting to you (I do wonder also about the possibility of this being AI, rather than a real person). If your wife knew about it, would she feel like it was a harmless way to improve your relationship? If she knew that your enthusiasm wasn’t because of your partnership but from someone else? If you found your wife was doing something similar, would you feel betrayed? Unless you’ve opened up your relationship to involve other lovers, online or offline, then this – as you say – is emotional infidelity. And I think your wife would be very fair to interpret it as betrayal. That sense of being betrayed can change everything in a relationship, because it can destroy all the trust that has built up. It could end your relationship and you haven’t even met this person. Whether the woman you’re messaging is real, or shares your feelings, my advice is to stop, right now, before it is too late. Your wife has already noticed that you’re more enthusiastic about life. You might be acting more distracted and secretive too. Instead, focus on the real relationship in front of you. Marriages can be hard work and I recommend that you think about what changed in yours and when and why did it stop being fun? You say that you love your wife: was it that responsibilities that made life feel less free? Think back to some good times and notice what elements they had: who were you when you were together? Were you getting to know each other, or doing something new together like exploring new places? Was there a sense of excitement or even mystery? I’d suggest you put all the efforts you’re channeling into your affair into getting your marriage back on track. Find things that make you both laugh, plan things that you’re both likely to enjoy, take the time to notice each other. Explore new places, discover a hobby together or dress and travel separately to dates together. Understand that long term marriage takes work and neglect leads to drifting apart or resentment. Remember that you might feel that you know everything about your wife, but she is always changing, as are you, so you can find out about each other again, building on what worked in the past when you first met and fell in love. Really listen to what she says, so you can bring the excitement you’ve been feeling home. This is likely to improve your relationship far more than betrayal – and it’s real. If your thoughts stray to your intoxicating online affair, I suggest you imagine the realities of this as a relationship, with the same responsibilities, caring duties and stresses you have in your day to day life now. Only, you’d have now lost the person you love dearly.