My Obsession With a Certain Measurement Is Consuming My Life. I Have No Reason to Be This Fixated.

How to Do It All day long, I’m Googling. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by SIphotography/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I suffer from a form of body dysmorphic disorder. Specifically, penis dysmorphic disorder, since that’s a thing now, I guess. The truth is, I have a decidedly average penis. Six inches long with a four-inch girth. A little longer than average, a little thinner than average, but not much in either direction. But I obsess over it. At least a few times a week I google “penis size” and see if any new articles, blogs, etc. come up. (It’s how I discovered this column a while back, it’s been helpful in the past, thank you.) I just can’t stop thinking about it. But I have no idea why. I have no bad experiences from my past. Nothing traumatic at all. I have an OK sex life with my wife of 10 years. We’ve got two kids, so it’s hard to find the time, but when we do, we agree that it’s good and should do it more often. But then, you know, life happens. Nobody, including my wife, has ever said anything negative to me about it. In college I overheard a girlfriend describe it to a friend as exactly what it was: long and thin. As far as I know, that’s the only time a partner talked about my penis. I’ve fantasized about using one of those penis sleeves/extenders with my wife, but I’m afraid to bring it up to her. I’m fine leaving it as it is. I can make her orgasm regularly, either through oral or rubbing her clit while she’s on top. And yet … I’m always thinking about my not-that-small penis, and I’d rather not. Any advice? —Always on My Mind Dear Always on My Mind, Your fixation is understandable. It is in tune with cultural signals about size, suggesting that big is better. In a time of optimizing and looksmaxxing, in which there exist some options for penile enlargement, it’s easier than ever to absorb the idea that one’s dick isn’t big enough and that it really could be bigger. This explains the coinage of the term “penile dysmorphic disorder,” which one study referred to as “shorthand for men diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, in whom the size or shape of the penis is their main, if not their exclusive, preoccupation causing significant shame or handicap.” Note that PDD isn’t an official diagnosis, but more a way to describe certain commonalities observed in people’s regard of their penises. Depending on the scale of your dysmorphia, there may be a way to sublimate your obsessing. Maybe that could include leaning into your obsession via porn—if you don’t have a giant dick, maybe you can at least admire and appreciate those who do. Maybe you do size play with your wife, asking her if she likes your big dick during sex. Alternately, some people are really into either being degraded for their size or praised for it. Could you be down for either and propose that to your wife? Maybe you go ahead and introduce the idea of using a sleeve/extender. First you have to figure out the root of your fear of bringing this up. Is it admitting your size-fixation out loud or something else? But you may need more help than your own will/reframing. Cognitive behavioral therapy is often used to treat body dysmorphic disorder, and it may be useful in your case. The goals of CBT are to help knock you out of thought patterns that are distracting/distressing. If you’re interested in pursuing this, talk to a therapist who specializes in body issues. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My partner is really into the idea of having sex in public. I am usually game—I don’t mind having sex in the car after a night out before we head home. In most circumstances, I think it can be sexy. But lately, my partner’s been trying to push the envelope, like suggesting we have sex in a bathroom at the mall, or trying to do it in a secluded area of a local park. I don’t really feel comfortable with that, mostly because it makes me nervous. I also don’t want to completely shoot down their ideas because I understand this is a kink they enjoy doing. What’s the middle ground here? How do I push back without shooting them down too harshly? —Privacy Requested Dear Privacy Requested, It’s fair that you don’t feel comfortable with the kind of public sex that your partner is requesting. In a park or mall bathroom, you may expose others to the sights and sounds of your sex and those people haven’t consented to being your audience. Getting caught is, for some, part of the thrill, but it can also result in legal ramifications that, depending on your state and the charges (like indecent exposure), may lead to fines, jail time, and mandatory registration as a sex offender. Many may find this to be not worth the risk. Explaining your discomfort may be that easy: “It’s not worth the risk to me.” Also, if you are distracted by the possibility of getting caught and facing legal consequences, there’s a good chance that you aren’t really enjoying the sex, or that your wariness outweighs the pleasure to such an extent that it defeats the purpose. In terms of a middle ground, I’m going to recommend a sex club/party, which may deliver some of the appeal of public sex while taking away much of the risk. (Note that, again depending on where you are, this kind of gathering may not be strictly legal, but in the event of a raid, it is usually the proprietor who ends up getting in trouble, not the attendees.) It also would place you in an environment where anyone who does see you having sex has entered the building knowing that, and in fact that’s in all likelihood a big part of the reason why. More ethical that way. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, Is it abnormal or concerning that I pretty regularly do not orgasm from sex? I am a 40-year-old straight male and have been exclusively with my wife since our 20s. I enjoy our sex life and don’t think I could criticize it even if I tried, besides this issue of mine. As far as I know, I don’t have anxiety or depression (perhaps more accurately, I haven’t ever felt the need to pursue diagnosis for those things). I sometimes take ED drugs, but I always start out 100 percent hard. I just lose it after a little while regardless of the pill. It’s like that sexy mood just suddenly leaves me about 15 minutes in on some nights. I am in excellent physical shape, eat healthy, don’t smoke, not on GLP1s or SSRIs, and rarely masturbate in order to be as “pent up” as possible for when the time to come, well, comes. In the rare case I do masturbate, I have the exact same problem, so I feel like the problem is me rather than the sex I’m having with my wife. When I do get to orgasm, it takes longer than either of us would prefer. Thankfully my wife is in a good spot. I usually start with giving her an O from oral/digital and if we’re lucky she has another during penetration while I’m trying to have my own orgasm. But both of hers take only a couple minutes versus the 30+ minutes I need, and she feels disappointed when I’m unable to come, even though I don’t think she is doing anything wrong. Is there maybe something medically wrong with me? Are there ways to speed up my progress and make it more likely to reach the finish line? —Always Chasing the Rainbow Dear Always Chasing the Rainbow, Anorgasmia/delayed ejaculation are both observed/studied phenomena (often conflated), so what you’re going through at least has precedent. But they’re not experienced by most men. And you should beware, yes. They can indicate underlying health issues, including hormonal conditions, pelvic floor dysfunction, and multiple sclerosis. They may also be related to psychological issues or even idiosyncratic masturbatory style (aka the “death grip”). Use your concern as motivation and see a doctor who can test you to make sure everything is OK. Because you are experiencing this both during partnered sex and masturbation, it may in fact be something physiological and not solely psychological, so it’s definitely worth getting an official medical assessment. Refer to this past column for many words on delayed orgasm. It’s treatable but notoriously tricky. According to a 2024 paper on the subject, specifically intended to guide sexual medicine providers, treating it “may include adjustment of offending medications and sex therapy.” Consider talking to not just a doctor but also a therapist. If there is no underlying medical condition, there is more that you can try that might move things along, including edging (masturbate without orgasming between sex sessions to help with the buildup), prostate play, and even fantasizing or putting on porn during sex. These are all subject to your taste of course. If you find out there is nothing going on with you, health-wise, and that this is just more or less the way you are wired, take solace in the fact that you enjoy your sex life and have very little bad to say about it. Your wife is often orgasming multiple times in a session and though I believe that she would much rather you join her, at least one of you is getting off. If you can focus on the fun of sex in its own right, and not just for the sake of orgasms, you may start to see this as less of an issue. —Rich More Advice From Slate The guy I’m seeing has a completely normal, average-sized dick. He knows how to use it and I have absolutely no complaints about that. But he insists on using Magnum condoms that don’t seem to fit securely. Since we’re not exclusive I need condoms for both of our safety. I’ve said, “I think the fit might be better with these” and bought/provided average ones, but had no luck. I need to give it one more direct conversation before I decide our safety is incompatible and I move on. We’re both 29, it’s not like condoms are a new concept. Why must he insist?! Advice Sex