My Niece Had a Dangerous Plan to Meet a Man She Met Online. My Kid Saved Her.

Care and Feeding Now we’re handling the fallout. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ImageegamI/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Shortly before Halloween, my 14-year-old niece, “Emma,” told my 12-year-old daughter, “Grace,” that she was going to be meeting up in person with a 21-year-old man, “Harold,” whom she’d met online, but would be telling her parents that she was going to a Halloween party. Grace was concerned that it wasn’t safe and came to me with it. I immediately informed my sister, and I’m glad I did. We learned from the police that Harold has a criminal record for domestic violence and recently got out of jail. My sister and brother-in-law are immensely grateful that my daughter came forward (as am I and her dad!), but Emma has been furious ever since and told Grace she no longer considers her family. Even though her dad, aunt, uncle, and I have all told her that she did the right thing, Grace has looked up to her cousin since she was little and is now heartbroken. I’m hoping that with time and maturity, Emma will understand that Grace acted out of love. What can we do to ease things in the meantime? The holidays are fast approaching, and I’m dreading the interaction—or lack of it—between them at family gatherings. —Sometimes Courage Hurts Dear Hurts, I know how painful it is to see your child struggling, and how much you wish you could take the hurt and sadness away. But you are going to have to let the girls work this out on their own. I think you’re right: Emma will eventually see this more clearly. But it will probably take quite a while. Fourteen is not an age that is notorious for common sense and clear thinking. In the meantime, the only thing you can do is encourage Grace to talk about how she feels, listen to her when she does, and let her know that you completely understand and sympathize. Don’t try to cheer her up about it (you can’t). You certainly can remind her that, no matter what Emma says, she did not betray her beloved cousin—she protected her. Make sure she knows that what she did was not only “the right thing,” but was also a wise and loving thing to do. (The last thing you want is for this to be a lesson in not coming to you when she’s worried about something.) You can let her know that sometimes people think they don’t need protection when they do, and that you believe that Emma will eventually understand this, but that it can’t be rushed. I hope your sister and her husband are handling this situation similarly: encouraging their daughter to talk, vent, and feel whatever-all she is feeling—and telling her, calmly, that they would hope that if she ever got wind of someone she loved doing something that her instincts told her was dangerous, she would alert an adult, just as Grace did. I hope they’re reminding her that Grace acted out of love, not malice. Emma will no doubt reject this information in the moment, but she needs to hear it and file it away for later. But—a word of warning—it isn’t your sister who’s written in for advice, and how she handles this is not in any way in your control. So I strongly suggest that you not try to manage her or the cousins’ relationship. If there’s tension when the kids see each other, so be it. There are worse things. And reminding yourself that you can’t control or fix everything will be helpful as Grace makes her way into her teens. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My family is supposed to go to my parents’ for Thanksgiving this year, and my 14-year-old daughter, “Sandra,” is begging her dad and me to cancel. At the last family gathering (a wedding in July), my mother tasked Sandra with keeping an eye on all eight of her younger cousins, who range in age from 3 to 7. My daughter didn’t tell me about it until after we got home. I grew up as the only daughter in my family, and my parents, aunts, and uncles thought nothing of turning me into an involuntary babysitter. Should I tell my parents and my brothers ahead of time that watching the younger kids isn’t Sandra’s responsibility, or get some sweet revenge on her behalf by informing them when we arrive? —Breaking the Babysitting Cycle Dear Breaking, Absolutely make it clear to everyone in advance that Sandra will not be babysitting. I’d go further than that: I’d tell them that you were tasked with involuntary babysitting throughout your childhood, and that had you known history was repeating itself, you would have interceded sooner. If they push back, end the conversation: Tell them this isn’t up for discussion. Do not make suggestions about alternate arrangements (not your circus, not your 3- to 7-year-old monkeys)—this is for them to figure out. Please don’t teach your daughter that “getting sweet revenge” is better than being straightforward with people. (I think she’d be mortified by your plan, anyway—and furthermore, I don’t think the revenge you’re planning is for her sake; I think you’re still justifiably angry about the way you were treated.) Sandra came to you with this problem because she wanted you to step in. So do it the right way. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, For Halloween, my son, “Aaron,” who just turned 12, went trick-or-treating. According to him, it was going fine until he stopped at an older gentleman’s house, where the man talked about how Halloween was for “little kids,” said that he should be home studying, and told him that this kind of nonsense suggested a future of flipping burgers at McDonald’s. I am angry. Aaron returned early because of this; it soured the whole experience for him, and now he says he never wants to go trick-or-treating again—that he’s too old for it. (Before this, he had planned to keep it up for the next year or two.) I saw plenty of high schoolers out having a good time trick-or-treating! (Also, while this isn’t the main point, Aaron is a straight-A student and is in the gifted and talented program at school, for crying out loud.) How can I tell him it’s fine to go trick-or-treating for a little bit longer? —So Soon? Dear Soon, I think all that’s necessary is to tell him that this was just one (cranky) man’s opinion, that it was a ridiculous thing to say, and that he’s the only one who has the right to decide when to set aside an activity he enjoys. This is a good opportunity for a life lesson, too: He needs to know that people will always have opinions about him (about all of us), what we should or shouldn’t do, and even what will become of us. Our job is to figure out if those opinions have merit. So ask him if this particular set of opinions does. Ask him if he feels too old for Halloween. Did he feel that way at all—did he wonder—before the encounter with the Halloween Grinch (so that this seemed to confirm it)? If he says no, it had never crossed his mind before, but once it was said out loud, it felt true to him, say, “Well, it’s up to you. I think you should participate in Halloween for as long as it’s fun for you, and just skip that guy’s house in the future. But if, when the holiday comes around again next year, it doesn’t seem like fun anymore, then skip it. You don’t have to decide now.” Presumably you don’t have to remind him that he’s a good student—he knows that. But you might have to remind yourself (too) that he’s the decider in this situation, and that if he ends up concluding that his trick-or-treating days are behind him, that’s his choice to make, not yours. (See things you can’t control, above.) —Michelle More Advice From Slate I am concerned about my 11-year-old son’s hygiene. When I was 11, I was showering every day of my own accord. My son does not shower unless and until someone tells him to. I am not convinced his showering involves more than rinsing, and I don’t trust him to be honest with me. He frequently lies about whether he’s brushed his teeth. I will tell him after breakfast to go upstairs and brush his teeth, and he will go upstairs and wet his toothbrush so it looks like he did, but then not brush his teeth. Advice Family Kids Parenting