My Neighbor Is Up to Something Risqué Across the Hall. I Wish I Could Join In.

How to Do It I could be a good addition. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by javgutierrez/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I am a single gay man in my 30s. I live in an apartment, and my neighbor, “Reed,” is a very handsome gay man in his early 50s. We are friends; he watches my plants when I’m out of town, and I watch his cat when he is. Sometimes we share a meal or watch a movie together. We’ve never done anything sexual, and it has been nice to just have a friend. He does host the occasional sex party in his apartment, though, and I have always wanted to be invited. But I feel like asking to be invited to the sex party is a little lame and gauche, even? I think I’m a good-looking guy. And the men who come to these parties, at least from what I’ve seen passing them in the hall, are all similarly built to me. I don’t know if it would cross a line to ask to be invited, or if I should stick to watching from a distance and wishing I could join in. How does one go about getting an invite to the fun? —Watching From Across the Hall Dear Watching From Across the Hall, It’s at least slightly pathetic to ask to join any party, not just an orgy. But I’m sure plenty of slutty guys do just that and shamelessly. And I’m sure a lot of the time it works. It reminds me of the quote that’s long been attributed to Madonna: “A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.” So, direct is one approach: “Your parties seem fun; I would love to join you.” You could hedge a little, leaving the door open for him to let you down easy to mitigate awkwardness: “Your parties seem fun; how does one go about getting an invite?” Letting him know you’re aware of these parties and then asking seemingly interested questions about them would be an even gentler approach. You could attempt to steer that conversation toward an invite or just wait to see if he takes it there after picking up on your curiosity. You should also consider the possibility that you have yet to make the invite list because Reed doesn’t see you in a sexual way. Maybe he’s happy to have a platonic gay friend. Maybe he isn’t completely given over to having a “type” and evaluates his partners on an individual basis, or is big on faces. One of the things to work out here is if you are in fact interested in having sex with him; consent is paramount, but generally group sex situations tend toward the opt-out form of consent over the opt-in. People assume that if you’re there, you’re there to play, and it’s often up to you to indicate that you are there to play with some and not others. Asking your neighbor to join his periodic orgies, whether in those words or in a more roundabout manner, will send the message that you’re interested in engaging in some kind of play with your neighbor. Of course, you are not obligated to do so upon attending, but if you were to ask and then not engage with him sexually, it would definitely come off as rude and probably not get you invited back unless you’re so undeniably hot or your penis so incredibly amazing that you prove yourself to be indispensable on sight. Just something to keep in mind. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a 32-year-old woman who grew up in a very conservative, non-sex-positive environment. I’m also not conventionally attractive and have never received much interest from men. At 27, I was still a virgin and was convinced romance would never happen for me. I just accepted it and focused on enjoying masturbation. I went on that way until a friend I’ve always had a crush on asked me out. When we first started dating, he was incredible about working with me through my inexperience and insecurities when it came to sex. Fast forward five years and we are married and share an adventurous and fulfilling sex life. I have no doubts that he loves me. What is the problem then? My husband is very hot. When we meet anyone new, they always do a double-take that screams “Wait, you’re married to her?” Advice Sex