My Neighbor Insists We Accept an Uncomfortable Gift. It’s Too Generous.

Dear Prudence He says it’s part of his culture. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 21, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sashkinw/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Recently, a package of mine was accidentally delivered to my neighbors’ house. I could see from the delivery confirmation photo that it was their house. When I asked about it, the woman told me she didn’t know where it was, but she’d ask her husband. After a few days, I didn’t hear from them and ordered a replacement, for which I wasn’t charged when I told the company the original had gone to the wrong address. Today, my neighbor came by with the package and apologized profusely for not returning it sooner. I thanked him and assured him it was no big deal. Then, he handed me a $100 bill. I repeatedly refused it and said it was unnecessary, but he was insistent that it was part of his culture and that he wanted to offer it for the “inconvenience.” He wouldn’t take it back, and he left. My husband and I feel really awkward about this—they didn’t steal or damage our stuff, and we don’t need their money to replace it. We don’t want to be disrespectful to them, but we feel really uncomfortable keeping their money. Do we just go next door and insist they take it back, or is there another way to give it back that won’t result in another back-and-forth? —You Really Shouldn’t Have Dear You Really Shouldn’t Have, You have to do some investigating here. What exactly is his culture? I need to know so we can arrange to spread it throughout the world so that the disputes with neighbors that make so many people miserable can finally be eliminated with apologies and large sums of cash changing hands on a regular basis. But seriously, if you do know something about your neighbor’s background, do some research to see if the culture also includes an expectation that after one person insists on handing over a self-imposed pain and suffering settlement amount, the other person (you) refuses, not just once but two or three times, and ultimately gives the money back. I doubt that’s the case (because he knows you’re unaware of the etiquette), but check just to make yourself feel better. Assuming you don’t find a reliable source explaining that your role here is to sneak over and slide the money back under your neighbor’s door or their mailbox, keep it. But not for yourself. Donate it to a cause that’s meaningful to you or even an individual person who you know is struggling. That amount of money could change someone’s month. Then, think of this as an opportunity to get to know the people next door better. You can pair this with a gesture that soothes your sense of awkwardness about the exchange by symbolically evening the score. How about a little gift? I’m thinking of something nice but low in monetary value, like a baked good or a plant with a little note. Depending on your appetite for forming a new friendship, you could keep the message simple: “Thank you for being a good neighbor! Here’s our phone number if there’s another misdelivery or if you ever need anything from us!” Or include a bid for a closer relationship: “The $100 was far too generous, but thank you for explaining that it’s part of your culture. We would love to learn more about it and let our families get to know each other. Please let us know if there’s a time you would be free to come over for dinner/coffee. In the meantime, we wanted to share something from our culture—Rice Krispies Treats! Thank you again for your kindness, and we hope to see you soon!” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I discovered a concerning trait about my dad. After I graduated from high school and got a “real” job, I moved out. Primarily because I was living in my grandmother’s house (a two bedroom/one bath) with my grandmother, parents, and two younger siblings, and it was crowded with no privacy. I moved into a mother-in-law efficiency suite which was in the basement of “Mr. and Mrs. Andrews’” house. That was almost five years ago, and they have been nothing but nice to me and have corrected any problems almost immediately. Recently, I got engaged to my boyfriend of two years and moved in with him. Moving day was last weekend. My dad always made weird comments when I mentioned that my rent was going up (twice in five years by $50) and asked if I was going to pay because they already made enough off of me. Of course I was going to pay! Then this past weekend, he made comments about how I shouldn’t spend so much time cleaning the place. Instead of hauling away the junky couch I had, he said, “Why didn’t I just leave it and let the landlords deal with it?” His comments and attitude about renting and my landlords reminded me that when I was younger, we were always moving. We were always getting kicked out for not paying rent, or our leases weren’t renewed. My dad was always moving out angrily and either doing damage to the house/apartment or leaving junk. Any rent increase was always “those greedy bastards” and “I’m going to stick it to them when we move out and make THEM pay.” This is probably why we were living with my grandmother; there were no more places for us to rent due to my dad’s actions. I know this isn’t the worst trait my dad could have, but it is still troubling, and as my younger siblings are soon to be on their own, I am concerned about the type of renting advice my dad will give them. —Poor Rental Advice From Dad Dear Poor Rental Advice From Dad, Before each of your siblings strikes out on their own, take them to lunch or somewhere out of your house (or even help with the apartment hunt) and in a casual moment say something like, “I’ve been laughing thinking about the absolutely unhinged advice about renting Dad gave me! He means well, but I’m so glad I never followed his advice.” Then go on to recap some of what you’ve written here and say, “Maybe if you ever have an issue with your landlord, you should text me instead.” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I have a friend living with someone who is unraveling, and it‘s taken a turn. The roommate is taking very high doses of adderall and, getting high, and posting cries for help on X and very harsh criticisms of my friend (her roommate), even saying she hopes he dies a painful death. Up until now, I was telling him to just move out, but now I‘m wondering if there‘s a more serious issue here. What do you think? Should we try to get her help or just get him out of there? —Watching Dear Watching, Both. Get him out of there first, and then try to get her help. A death threat-adjacent comment is cause to flee the home. Once your friend has all of his belongings and is settled elsewhere, he can reach out with an expression of concern and resources, with the awareness that people normally don’t take suggestions from former roommates they hate and want dead. Classic Prudie Two months ago, my older son “Carl” was supposed to get married to his fiancé “Lisa.” Unfortunately, the night before, Carl discovered Lisa having sex in her hotel room with his older brother “Brad.” This was not out of character for Brad, who I have been estranged from for several years but who Carl remained in touch with. Of course, I was supportive of Carl immediately ending things with Lisa, and I managed the logistics of the canceled wedding. Advice Dear Prudence