My Mother-in-Law Needs to Move in With Us. But She’s Insisting on Bringing Something Chilling.

Dear Prudence This demand is out of line. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 26, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband “Tom’s” mother, “Carol,” has reached a point where she can no longer live independently due to mobility issues. Tom wants to have Carol come live with us. Ordinarily I would be fine with it, except for one thing: My MIL insists that she bring her cockatiel “Corky” with her. The problem is that Corky died two years ago. She has kept him in her freezer ever since and expects us to keep him in ours. I am not storing a dead bird in my freezer! Carol balked when I suggested she have Corky cremated and keep his urn so he could still remain with her. According to her, she needs to be able to see him every day. Tom and I have been fighting over this for weeks now, and he is putting the pressure on me to give in to her demand. I understand that my MIL misses Corky, but I honestly don’t think what she is doing is healthy. Carol isn’t going to budge. She can’t afford a home health aide, and my husband isn’t willing to have her go to an assisted living facility. What am I supposed to do? —No Frozen Friends Dear No Frozen, Oh my God. Or course you don’t want to see Corky—or even a lump of aluminum foil that you know contains Corky—every time you go looking for frozen peas or a pint of ice cream! That’s horrifying! I don’t really want to entertain your MIL’s attachment to her bird’s dead body. However, a quick search reveals that you can get a mini freezer in the $100 range. Would you be open to keeping one in her bedroom at your place? I can’t believe I’m suggesting that, but elder care is extremely overwhelming and expensive and if this could solve your problem, it might be worth it. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My boyfriend “Amar” is from a country in Asia. We met in college because we’re taking some of the same classes. My ex “Mac” was very angry when he found out I started dating a Muslim man after we broke up. He’s been sending me offensive texts with a lot of racial slurs calling me a race traitor and saying my boyfriend is only after a green card. I blocked him after he wouldn’t stop. I probably should have deleted the texts too, but I didn’t. Mac changed his phone and started texting me again. Amar found out when he saw my phone alert when I left it on the table. He’s read all the previous texts now and is very angry with me for keeping it secret. He says I betrayed him and he can’t trust me anymore. He wouldn’t speak to me for days after. I didn’t tell him because they were so hateful and ugly. I didn’t want Mac to win by upsetting us, but I did anyway. What can I do? —Secret Texts Dear Secret Texts, You can explain yourself and hope for the best. If Amar has lost trust in you, it’s impossible to force him to change his mind. But a sincere explanation paired with an acknowledgement of how he feels and perhaps some self-reflection will give you the best possible chance of reassuring him that you’re someone he wants to be with. Try something like this, editing freely to make it true to how you really feel: I know you may still be upset with me about the racist, Islamophobic texts from Mac, and I understand why you feel betrayed. I want to say a few things that I hope will restore your trust in me, but I understand if they don’t. First, I can imagine you may be questioning my character and values, knowing that I once dated someone who said those ugly things. I assure you I never heard any remarks like this when I was with Mac, and knowing how he thinks is horrifying to me and really making me question my own judgment. Second, I want to explain that I kept the texts a secret because they were so hateful and I didn’t want Mac to ‘win’ by hurting you with his stupid approach to dealing with his jealousy. I told him to stop and blocked him, and the texts you saw were the ones he sent when he created a new number to message me. I’m now wishing I would have told you what was going on, even if I didn’t share the exact words that were said with you. If you’re open to it, I’d love to use this moment to talk more about our expectations and whether we as a couple think there’s ever a good reason to protect each other by keeping information private. I know I’ll never understand what you experience as far as hate and discrimination in this country, but I love you and I want to learn more and do whatever I can to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again. Dear Prudence, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend “Hal” for a few years. I do most of the travelling because I work remotely and he has 50 percent custody of his two teenage daughters, “Tina” and “Bailey.” They are sweet, polite girls, if a little spoiled, through no fault of their own. I think Hal carries a lot of guilt from the divorce and has a hard time telling them no. I fully admit that I am particular and a bit high-maintenance, and I try not to make it anyone else’s problem. For instance, I can only sleep on soft sheets with a large, cozy comforter. Hal’s bedding is more spartan, so I purchased a new bed set to use while I’m there. I also have elaborate hair and skincare routines that require many different products. It’s impossible to pack them all in the small plastic airplane bag, so Hal cleared out a drawer in his bathroom for my products. My problem is that Tina and Bailey love my things and will use them when I’m not there. My first visit back after buying the new bedding, it was nowhere to be found. Hal admitted that Tina had been using it on her bed. I said that was fine and bought a replacement set, but the visit after that, the new bedding was on Bailey’s bed. Hal replaced the bedding this time, and that seems to have solved that problem, but it was a frustrating ordeal. The girls also love to use my expensive products, and Hal lets them. The first time I showed up to find all my products empty, I bought replacements, as well as new products for the girls, with a few more teenager-friendly items as well. I thought this would be a nice peace offering to give them when I asked them to not use my things in the future. I also asked Hal to make sure they don’t use them, or to replace them if they do get used. It’s not just about the cost, it’s that they are specialty products that can’t be purchased at the drug store, and it’s often difficult to find replacements when my flight arrives late in the day. Despite all this, my toiletries still get used. I have tried hiding them, but the girls find them and use them anyway. Hal says that he hates telling them no, that it’s just shampoo and lotion, and he will replace it, but he never does. The cost and the inconvenience is frustrating, but I am also struggling with the lack of respect for my things and Hal’s lack of boundaries with his daughters. I have to reiterate that they are otherwise lovely girls and I don’t think they are trying to act out or mess with me, they just like my nice things and are used to his permissive parenting. Hal is also the kindest, most loving man I’ve ever been with. It feels ridiculous that I am considering breaking up over shampoo and eye cream, but it’s driving me crazy. I know I could simplify my routines and tote a few products back and forth with me on the plane, but this still feels like a deeper issue. I’m not the girls’ parent and the way Hal raises his kids is not really any of my business, so is there anything else I can do? —Moisturizer Mayhem Dear Moisturizer Mayhem, If you have a decent relationship with the two girls, do the obvious and ask them nicely not to use your things. If you want to go above and beyond and can afford it, you could take them shopping so they can pick out some bedding and products that they really love—which would probably make both them and Hal happy. However, if you really don’t want to address this or make Hal address it, just buy a suitcase with a lock and put all of your lotions and potions in there, under a bed, when you’re not in town. In the meantime, Hal’s refusal to tell his daughters no is something you should think very seriously about before becoming more serious or making a plan to live together full time. Today it’s a night cream, but in a couple of years it could be a car or a guest room or the contents of a bank account. Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate My wife lets our 4-year-old son pee on the tree in the yard when he’s outside playing, rather than having to go inside. I think it’s weird. She says that’s what boys do. I certainly was not raised to just pee where I wanted, unless it was an emergency and there wasn’t a bathroom around. I know he’s young, but I’d prefer to not let this become a habit. Is this a battle I should keep fighting? Advice Dear Prudence