My Mom’s House Is Going to Be Freezing on Christmas Unless I Do One Excruciating Thing

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by JerryB7/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I’m in my 40s and am currently living with my mom in the lovely old 4-bedroom house I grew up in. For the past several years, we’ve all gone to my brother’s house since he has little kids, but this year, my brother and his family are planning to come here. My mom is very excited to have the house full again. But I’m very nervous. This is an old, drafty house with central heat, we have to be quite careful keeping it heated in the winter, lest our electric bills double or even triple. We keep the house quite cold most of the time. I don’t want to be the thermostat police while they’re here, and I don’t want them to be uncomfortable, but I also cannot afford to heat the entire house to the standard they will certainly expect for the week they will be here. My mom says that I need to stop worrying and it’s just a week and it’ll be fine, but I am worried that I am not going to be able to afford to pay the electric bill when it comes due. Is this something I could ask my brother to help with? And when should I ask? He’s already flying his family here, so I do feel guilty. My mom, by the way, would be mortified to know I’m considering asking him. She thinks as the matriarch of the house she should be footing the bill for the entire week, but we really can’t afford it. Should I just suck it up and get out my credit card? —Hosting Worries Dear Hosting Worries, The good news is, you can estimate what the cost of this bill might be. Pull last December’s electric bill and estimate what running more heat might add—you could say double the usual winter increase, just to be safe. I’m guessing it will likely be somewhere in the low hundreds of dollars. That’s not an insignificant amount, but it’s better than letting your mind catastrophize and guess how bad it might be. A general number is something you can plan around. There are ways you can reduce the problem, too. You could add space heaters in the guest rooms, for example (of course, you want to be safe about this if there are kiddos present). Or borrow some electric blankets from friends or neighbors. Then, yes, talk to your brother. And soon. You don’t have to tell him all about your mom’s money troubles (especially if she’d be mortified). Just be honest about the house. “Hey, just a heads up — this house is super drafty and heat is our biggest expense, so we tend to keep it cool. How can we make sure y’all are comfortable?” Maybe let him know to pack warm layers and, if you’re feeling bold, “I’d welcome any help covering the extra heating for the week.” Most guests would happily bring blankets and chip in rather than spend the week shivering or guessing. Just make sure to let them know you’re excited about their visit so they don’t see this as an excuse to keep them away. Your mom is right about one thing: it’s just a week, and it’ll be fine—especially once you’ve made a plan instead of carrying a worry. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, How do I reassure myself that I have enough savings and can spend money on fun things? A couple of years ago I decided that $45,000 was the amount of liquid savings that roughly represents true “safety” for me. I’m a little over halfway to that now, but I’m running into a problem. I do objectively have healthy savings right now, and I live frugally so the savings I have now should last me around six months or more if I lose my job. But I want to do and buy fun things like a new laptop or go on a trip, but that would drain my savings, and that makes me nervous. On the other hand, I’m fully aware that my money script is the one that’s about hoarding money sometimes to your own detriment. I have coping mechanisms to ensure that I buy necessary things and don’t track every cent to optimize my spending (therefore keeping my stress levels down). But those coping mechanisms are for necessities. How do I balance my frugal instincts with the desire to have fun? —Making It Rain (Safely) Dear Making It Rain, It sounds like you need to figure out the right balance between enjoying yourself and protecting yourself. One way you can get around this? Connect your savings goals with your fun money. Right now, everything you spend feels like stealing from that $45,000 goal. Instead, reward yourself for reaching a new milestone. For example, maybe once you get to $30,000, you treat yourself to the laptop. Or once you hit $35,000, you go on the trip. This way, the splurge doesn’t take away from your goal, it actually motivates you to keep pursuing it. Sure, it’s a bit of a mind trick. But if you’re familiar with money scripts, you already know that mindset has a lot to do with how we handle our finances. That said, there are some ways to make this more palatable. First, open a “fun account”—a small, separate savings account (or sub-account within your existing savings) where you automatically save a fixed amount each month to reach your goal. For example: for each $1,000 you put toward your big goal, maybe $50 goes into this account. The money you save in this account has one job, and that’s to be spent on something fun. You’ll feel less guilty about spending when it comes from a different budget. Second, decide on your baseline. You said six months of expenses feels safe, so make a rule that if your emergency funds get below that number, “fun” spending is on pause. You might already be doing this, but the point is, it will ease your anxiety to set up as many financial guardrails as you can in order to feel safe. Your frugal instincts aren’t necessarily irrational. They are protective, and it sounds like they’ve served you well! Just remember that the point of a safety net is to let you relax a little so that you can actually enjoy your life. —Kristin More Money Advice From Slate Several years ago, I ended up giving a family member a lot of money. I didn’t intend to; it just sort of happened. There was a crisis, and they needed help. Then the crisis, fueled by all sorts of struggles, turned into a continuous state, and I found myself supporting them financially longer term. Despite their promises, I knew it was completely unlikely they would ever pay me back. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Personal Finance Real Estate