My Mom Wants Me to Start Off My Marriage on a Lie. I Have a Bad Feeling About This.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by DaYsO/Unsplash. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My mom (“Lily”) and my future mother-in-law (“Jane”) have been planning an engagement party for me and my fiancé. While they are keeping it low-key, the cost is adding up. My future parents-in-law do not have much money. My mom, who is not necessarily wealthy, but in a better financial position than my future in-laws, will be covering the costs. She doesn’t want to ask Jane to contribute. Instead, she wants to tell Jane that other relatives of ours are paying for the party as their wedding gift. My future in-laws are the best. They are such kind, welcoming people who I am thrilled to consider my family. While lying about anything makes me feel queasy, Jane and her husband are very sensitive about their financial situation. They are retired and worked very hard for a very long time. While their financial situation is unfortunate, no one is using it as judgment against them. I think this white lie is the most tactful way to remove any financial obligation from them so they can focus on enjoying the party. Jane is still very involved in the planning and is contributing in other ways. My question to you—do I tell my fiancé? He is also sensitive to his parents’ finances, and had some initial embarrassment about telling me their situation. But he actively does whatever he can to ease any burden on their checkbook, and he may find it kind that my mom found a way to keep them involved without draining their bank account. For what it is worth, he and I are incredibly open and honest with each other. We are in our late 30s/early 40s, and we have both learned that playing mind games is not something either of us want in a marriage. Do I tell? —All Dressed in White (Lies) Dear All Dressed in White (Lies), I love that you and your fiancé have an honest, loving relationship. That’s how every marriage should start. So, don’t kill the buzz by lying to your fiance about money (or anything else). If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to deal with the tough stuff that comes along with life. In this case, you’re lucky to have wonderful parents-in-law who happen to be sensitive about their financial situation. You don’t want to embarrass them, so your mother has concocted a “white lie” to spare their feelings. I’m not sure you need to lie to anyone, but in any case, you should absolutely tell your fiancé and make sure he’s okay with it. These are his parents, and he’s clearly aware of what they have and can do. He should take the lead and let his parents know how much you appreciate their time, help, and love, but that they do not need to contribute anything financially. If they ask any questions, then you can tell them that that your mother is paying for it. I don’t think you need to invent a magical money gift from a family member or friend. As you go through life, you and your fiancé will face big and small tests of your relationship. Walking this road together is where your relationship gets forged into something that lasts. —Ilyce Classic Prudie My family has three beautiful children courtesy of IVF. We still have several embryos on ice, so to speak. My husband and I are conflicted on what to do with them. He would rather see them destroyed than donated—he doesn’t want a stranger raising what would be our biological children. My brother is gay, and he and his husband are looking into having children. I want to give the embryos to them. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Personal Finance Relationships