My Mom Saved Us After My Husband’s Job Loss. He Can’t Forgive Her.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ucpage/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My husband, son, and I recently moved in with my mother. We moved from a much more expensive area, and we needed to leave because my husband lost his job and we could no longer afford to live there. My mom said she was very happy to have us move in with her, and I do think she is happy to have me and my son here. But I think she can tell my husband doesn’t want to be here. He feels very deflated at losing his job, and even though my mom has been so generous to let us move in, he really seems to resent her for it. I have told him that it’s not acceptable for him to be rude to my mother, and he says he isn’t, but he’s wrong. It’s very clear that he has a chip on his shoulder. He hates being asked to do anything around the house and thinks my mom is too precious about the way she cleans and worries about the house. (For example, when we were moving our things in, she was very worried that he was being too rough with the furniture, which annoyed him. But sure enough, there are two places where he gouged the floor carrying a bookshelf that was too heavy for him.) I am so mad at him, I feel like he’s making a hard situation worse. We can afford to rent a small apartment here on my salary, and I think we should, just to get him away from my mom. He, of course, says we can’t afford it and need to stay where we are. How can I get him to act better? —Chip on His Shoulder Dear Chip, Everyone needs a little extra support and understanding from their spouse from time to time, and I get that your husband is probably going through an incredibly difficult situation—a job loss can totally upend a person’s life and identity. However, it seems like he’s taking it out on everyone around him, which is bad enough, but you’re now asking how to navigate the emotional work for him so that he’s nicer to you and your mom. That’s exhausting. This is the kind of thing a professional can help with. Urge him to talk to a career counselor or therapist who specializes in helping people deal with big life transitions like job loss. Like you said, he’s probably totally dejected from the job loss, and you want to be respectful and empathetic of that, but he also has to process those changes and feelings on his own. With that in mind, I would approach the conversation by focusing less on his behavior and more on what he might be going through. Yes, he needs to know the way he’s acting is negatively affecting everyone around him, but it sounds like you’ve already tried to communicate that. In those conversations, he might have felt like his own issues were overlooked. Again, it shouldn’t be up to you to get your spouse to “act right,” but if he feels seen, he might be more willing to process and work through the things that are bothering him. You have enough going on dealing with your own job, family issues, and raising a kid. He needs a professional to talk through this, so I would urge him to start a search with a therapist and go from there. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I live in a city with one of the worst housing crises in the world; finding a room takes months of intensive searching. A distant friend from undergrad (“Pam”) is moving here in a few months; coincidentally, my roommate is moving out at the same time. Pam asked if the room is available, and it is, but I really, really don’t want to live with her, for various reasons. She was a decent friend, but we aren’t particularly close anymore. She doesn’t have any other friends here and has indicated that she would expect me to be her primary social life, which I also don’t want to do. I’ve done the whole “forced friendship” with roommates before and hated it; now I look for independent people who have their own lives and won’t bother me. How do I break the news that I picked a rando from Facebook over her? —Not Your Roommate Dear Not Your Roommate, If you’re not particularly close to Pam, then the news shouldn’t be that upsetting. Still, I can understand wanting to deliver it with some gentleness. If you want to keep the relationship distant, or you’re not interested in keeping it at all, just be direct. “Hey, so sorry—the room isn’t available any longer. Best of luck in your search!” But if you want to respond in a warmer way and keep the friendship intact, maybe offer to help out in some way. Let her know if you see any openings, point her to the best place to start her search, or offer to be a reference if she needs one. And to be clear, you’re not a bad person for not wanting to room with a distant friend. It sounds like you’re trying to get ahead of a potentially awkward situation that might take more of your time and emotional energy than you have to give. —Kristin More Money Advice From Slate My great-grandparents left their four great-grandchildren $10,000 for college in investment accounts. Five years after their passing, the accounts were worth $30,000 each, thanks to some smart investing by my uncle. At this point, my parents closed my and my brother’s accounts and invested the $60,000 in their business. This business went bust a year later, sending my parents into bankruptcy, foreclosure, and a nasty divorce. I was 12 when the accounts were closed and didn’t know anything about the money until much later. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Real Estate