My Mom Refuses to Let Go of a Contentious Moment From My Childhood. It’s Making Us All Miserable.

Care and Feeding How many times can we rehash this? Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My mother and father are in their 80s. They’ve been married for over 50 years. Their relationship has had ups and downs, but they have always worked things out. My grandparents were from different religions, and most of my extended family is pretty devout. Both my parents became atheists when they were in college. My parents are losing their memories and filters over the last few years. They don’t have full dementia, but they definitely forget information easily and repeat themselves a lot. They’re not as careful about being polite or sensitive to others. Mom revealed that my father’s mother and grandmother had me and my brother secretly baptized one day when they were babysitting. I think she’s been upset about this for a long time and just always put a polite lid on her feelings. Now she wants to talk about it all the time. I don’t really care, but it makes my father angry to hear it over and over, especially since it’s about his mother, who was a lovely person. She seemed understanding about his choice to leave and marry outside the faith. He always felt bad about letting her down. My dad and mom end up arguing and becoming bitter with one another, and then forgetting everything until the next time Mom brings up the baptism again. It’s making them both unhappy, and it’s miserable to spend time with them. Is there a way to help them move on? I try to steer the conversation away if I can tell Mom is going to bring it up, and that helps. But if I arrive and they’re already in the middle of the argument, there is no stopping them. —Secretly Saved Dear Secretly Saved, I know you say your parents don’t have full dementia, but people who have it don’t have the same impulse control they once had. (It goes without saying that if you haven’t already, you should take your parents to their physicians for an exam—and talk to their doctors about what you’re seeing.) So realistically, there is only so much you can do to stop your mom from starting the discussion. Since you’re seemingly having success steering the conversation away from the topic, I’d zero in on that approach. Be careful not to fuss at your parents about arguing—I know that might be most people’s first instinct. Focus all your efforts on redirecting the conversation. Are there topics that bring your parents joy? Maybe there’s something that they consistently love to talk about? “Did I mention that your granddaughter scored a goal during her soccer game last week? Do you want to see it?” If you can come up with some good topics, keep them loaded up for when this fight will inevitably rear its head. Think of some good memories also, to combat the negative ones your parents are discussing. “Remember that family trip we took to the Grand Canyon? It was one of my favorite memories as a child. I’m so grateful I had great parents like you both.” Some easy activities you all can do together that don’t revolve around reminiscing might help, too. Above all, stay calm. As your parents are getting themselves worked up, their frustrations can easily rub off on you, and that’s not beneficial for anyone. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I would like some advice about how to deal with a very unpleasant relative. My brother-in-law (my sister’s husband) makes lots of disparaging comments about my choice to be vegan, all cloaked as “jokes.” For instance, at a family dinner at a restaurant, after I ordered the one option on the menu that could be adjusted to become vegan, he made a loud comment about how he’s now going to order twice the meat and dairy since I’m not having any. Many other family members laughed. I’m fine with jokes about my diet that aren’t mean-spirited, and I get plenty of those from family, too—for instance, I’ll laugh along with any bodily function jokes about how many beans and lentils I eat. But I find this type of joke, where someone says they want to “balance out” the animal products I don’t eat, truly disturbing. If I had taken a moral stance against something that’s more commonly perceived as wrong, people would be horrified if someone joked that they were going to do that wrong thing twice as much (“You’ve pledged never to beat your dog? Well, then I’m going to beat mine twice as often!”) Besides refusing to attend family functions, is there anything I could say to make him stop these types of jokes, or just stop commenting on my beliefs entirely? I’ve tried comparing it to religion by asking if he’d make the same joke to a person who doesn’t eat specific types of meat for religious reasons, and he said that was different because they were born into those beliefs (and, of course, told me I was being too sensitive). —Sick of It Dear Sick of It, Sometimes, you have to give people a taste of their own medicine. It’s clear your brother-in-law is enjoying getting you rattled. He sees how upset you are, and in some strange way, it makes him happy. Throw it right back at him. One good, embarrassing, “OK, WE HEAR YOU, FEEL BETTER NOW?” might do the trick. If that’s not really your style, and especially if you hate confrontation, talk to your sister about it. Ask her, “What’s his problem?” Let her know that his comments are really getting on your nerves. She will likely have better luck at getting him to tamp down his jokes. And if he really cares about her, he shouldn’t want to embarrass her in this way after you’ve already mentioned that you don’t think it’s funny. You also mentioned that many other family members laugh along. So, it could be that he likes the attention and that’s ultimately why he continues the tactless jokes. Maybe if you make it clear to everyone that you’re irritated, the laughter will slow down, and there won’t be such a payoff for your BIL to be Mr. Funny Guy all the time. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have two kids, “Evelyn,” 14 months, and “Felix,” 3. Felix is a threenager through and through, and he’s testing limits. He has recently gotten into a strange habit. When he has a meltdown, he will take off all his clothes, throw them (typically at me or his dad), and make a run for it. This has made for some awkward public scenes, to say the least. The trouble is it’s difficult to know what will set Felix off and then everything comes off. What’s the answer? —Parent of a Pint-Sized Streaker Dear Parent of a Pint-Sized Streaker, Sounds like your little threenager is having fun getting you riled up. The thrill for him could be that he absolutely knows you will be both embarrassed. If that’s the case, stay calm and don’t show your frustration. A hard ask, I know. But he might lose interest in the act if it doesn’t work at rousing a reaction from either of you. Another reason could be that he is becoming really sensitive to clothing. Tags, seams, certain fabrics, and other parts of an outfit we don’t always think of as irritating can be really stressful for kids with sensory issues. Check out brands such as Kozie Clothes or Parker and Talia for options to try. He’s too little to explain what’s going on if this is the case. But you can try to prompt him: “Is this itchy? Is this tight?” You might not get an answer, but if you buy a sensory-friendly outfit that he can wear either way, it doesn’t hurt to try. —Arionne More Advice From Slate Mid-Thanksgiving morning, I took our two young girls to the park down the street while my husband was finishing a delicious meal for the family. Our toddler was having a great time, and our infant was content to sleep in the baby carrier on my chest. Near the end of our play date, the toddler wanted to try to climb up the slide; it was pretty steep, and she asked me to hold her hand and help her up… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting