My Mom Is So Sure She Knows How I Can Get a Job. She Is Living in the Past!

Good Job Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Daddy1971/Getty Images Plus. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I got laid off from my job two months ago and my mother thinks she’s this fountain of sage advice on how to land another one. Except she’s 80 years old, her last paid position was when she was 19 and worked as a secretary. For her, the calendar might as well have stopped in 1970. She keeps nagging me to go around to every business and office in person with a stack of physical copies of my résumé, ask to speak to the manager, and give them one, rinse and repeat. And she tells me to emphasize that my kids are adults so I won’t need to be out of the workforce for “family reasons”! Can I tell her to shut her mouth already? —Living in a Time Warp Dear Living in a Time Warp, Short answer: yes. Longer answer: I know your mom means well, and her advice is coming from a place of genuine care and concern for your well-being. But as you note, the job market has changed more than a little bit since she was last working. In fact, it’s changed a lot in the last two years, let alone since 1970! So I would establish a firm boundary with your mom. You can tell her something like, “I have to ask you to stop giving me advice about my job search. I know you’re just trying to help, but it’s causing me unnecessary stress and I promise you that I’m doing everything I can to find a new job.” If she pushes back, I would be firm with her and say, “I am doing my job search according to current best practices. I will let you know if and when I need advice. In the meantime, I am not going to engage with you about it.” To give her the benefit of the doubt, it’s highly likely that she has no idea not just how annoying her suggestions are, but also how unhelpful they are. Clarity is your friend here! And I’m sending you all of the positive job-searching vibes. I know there’s something great out there for you, and also that you’re not going to find it by wandering the streets with a paper copy of your resume. Good luck. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, I built my career in an industry that essentially no longer exists. Two years ago, after a period of job searching that was so stressful and fruitless it almost ended my marriage, I got a job in a large institution doing somewhat adjacent work. My hope is that I will work in this organization until I am able to retire one day (in like….25 years). Many of my colleagues have been here that long. It’s the kind of place that you don’t leave if you can help it. So that’s the plan. This is not an exciting job. In fact the requirements are deeply below my abilities, but I’m able to do what I need to do well and I hope to be able to carry on. I am writing for advice on how to stop despairing about what an absolute mess this institution is. Everything takes longer than it should. The processes are nonsensical. I am in hours and hours of pointless meetings. Sometimes I can “turn off my brain” and just carry on. But I also find myself spending a lot of energy thinking about how things could or should be done. There is no chance that I will ever move up to a position in which to make any actual change, by the way. Sometimes I think this whole institution is so broken that it’s unfixable. How do I hold these two things in my head—I hope to be here forever, I can’t stand to be here one more second—without going mad? —A Good Job Dear A Good Job, You’ve overcome the biggest hurdle, which is recognizing the value of your job while also being honest about the stress it’s causing you. So now let’s think about how you can make your day-to-day more manageable. Unfortunately, we live in a culture where people’s jobs become their entire identities, and the idea that you can just turn off your job-brain at 5 p.m. is inconceivable to many. But that’s exactly what I’m encouraging you to do: Remember that this is just a job. Lean into your life outside of work—the life that staying at this job allows you to have. Try to think of it as a form of mindfulness, in the sense that you can focus on being the best you can be at your specific role and not worry about aspects of the company that are out of your control. My next piece of advice may sound contradictory, after I commended you for recognizing that you’re fortunate to have a job right now, but I also think you really don’t need to think of this as your forever job. Sure, the economy is not great right now, and finding new jobs is tough, but it won’t be like this forever (I hope!?), and there may come a day when you get another job that’s better suited to your skills and experience—and one where you feel more fulfilled. I’m going to manifest this for you, and for everyone else who feels like they’re stuck in a job that’s not rewarding. We don’t have to settle for lifelong feelings of “meh” at work. I need to believe this! —Doree Classic Prudie My wife and I are both complainers by nature. We dump most of it on each other, for the sanity of our friends and family, and it’s been a comforting aspect of our relationship. She’s several years younger than me and has been at the same job since finishing university. She hates it and has been talking about changing fields for years without actually doing anything about it. The things she complains about, though, are sort of part-and-parcel of any job. Recently, I was in a bad mood and I interrupted her complaining tirade by snapping, “I think you’d hate any job. It’s not your job, it’s you.” Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Workplace Jobs