My Mom Abandoned Us When We Were Just Kids. A Month After We Each Inherited $1 Million, the Phone Rang.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AaronAmat/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My biological mom skipped out on me and my sister “Chelsea” when I was 7 and she was 1 because she decided doing drugs and drinking were more important than her kids. It wasn’t much of a loss; she neglected Chelsea and would whip me with a belt for the slightest infraction when she had custody of us. Our dad married our wonderful stepmom just under a couple of years later, and she ended up adopting us. Last week my bio mom contacted me out of the blue after more than 20 years of being nothing more than an unpleasant memory. She is suffering from liver failure and claims to be filled with regret over the way she abused me and abandoned us and now wants to make the most of the time she has left. But wouldn’t you know it, her epiphany comes a scant two months after our grandmother (dad’s mom) passed away and left both me and Chelsea just over $1 million each! I told her she could go die in the gutter. Chelsea was too little to remember the horror our bio mom inflicted, and she is a rescuer type, so I am concerned she would be willing to give her handouts, or worse, allow her to move in (she has a 3-year-old) if she comes groveling. Do I need to warn my sister about our bio mom contacting me, or can I hope she doesn’t reach out to her?—Pestered by the Past Dear Pestered by the Past, Your letter moved me to tears. But what comes through is the incredible internal strength this horrible experience forged within you. When your parents don’t, or can’t, protect you, you have to learn to protect yourself. It’s clear that your dad and, later, your stepmom, did what they could. And, your paternal grandmother left you life changing money to help you find your footing in life. That’s a wonderful gift, and I understand why you don’t want your mother anywhere near it. You should have a conversation with Chelsea as soon as possible. Tell her your mother called before she gets a call out of the blue. Explain what life was like and be clear that you will never help your birth mother under any circumstances. Perhaps ask your dad to sit in with you, since he was witness to all of it. But in the same conversation, ask your dad to talk with you both about protecting the inheritances you received. The money can go into a trust, so it’s protected from creditors, future ex-spouses (if that’s how life goes), and any pressure from your mother. An estate attorney can explain the different types of trusts, and how best to protect yourselves. If you name an independent trustee, you can honestly say to everyone that you don’t control the trust. You can’t stop Chelsea from taking in your mother someday, or using her money to pay for her care. But, if the funds are in a trust, she will at least have an easy out, shutting down requests with a simple, “Sorry, I can’t touch anything in the trust.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My husband, “Mike,” and I are in our mid 60s, and it’s the second marriage for both of us. Our adult children get along well and we delight in the 14 grandchildren we get to share. Mike had an uncomfortable conversation with his son, “Ethan,” recently and he’s pretty upset. I’m hoping you can offer some advice on a way forward. Here’s the problem: Ethan’s son, “Robby,” recently had his 11th birthday. We gave him money, as is our tradition; it’s impossible to keep track of the ever-changing interests of 14 grandchildren and giving them cash allows them to choose something that fits what they’re into. My husband asked Robby if he had plans for his birthday money, and he said he was saving for an e-bike and almost had enough to buy one. Mike didn’t say anything to Robby, but after the party he pulled Ethan aside and asked him if he planned to let Robby have an e-bike. Much to Mike’s consternation, Ethan said that he was going to allow it. Mike told Ethan that e-bikes were not recommended for anyone under 16 and asked him to do some research before allowing Robby to have one. Ethan replied that Robby is much more mature and responsible than most kids his age—spoiler alert, he’s not. He’s a great kid, but a very typical 11-year-old; rambunctious, reckless and accident prone. To make matters worse a 14-year-old boy in our neighborhood was fatally injured in an e-bike accident just last month. Mike and I are beside ourselves with worry and Ethan has been distant and a little frosty as he apparently believes that Mike is questioning his judgment and parenting abilities. Mike wants to mend the relationship, but he doesn’t want to back down on his stance that e-bikes are absolutely unsafe for kids. Any words of wisdom on how to fix this would be much appreciated. —Worried Grandparents Dear Worried Grandparents, I get why you’re worried. The statistics about kids and e-bike accidents is startling. According to a recent review of hospital data by Truveta, e-bike injury ER visits increased 760% over the past 3 years compared with 7.9% for regular bicycles. Among children under 18, the rate of e-bike ER visits has risen about 19-fold since 2023, and 7.8% of those visits involved a traumatic brain injury, compared with 6.0% for traditional bicycles. The company notes many states prohibit riders under 16 from operating Class 3 e-bikes (which can reach 28 mph), and some require helmets. (Check Robby’s state for its rules.) It also notes that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 16 not ride e-bikes. Still, I understand why Robby wants one. I see kids (mostly boys) in my neighborhood zipping around on them. They’re fast, cool, and could be deadly. Unfortunately, Robby isn’t your kid. He’s your grandson and Ethan and his spouse are in charge of raising him. If they believe he’s mature enough for an e-bike, you can spit out injury statistics until you’re blue in the face, and it won’t make any difference. Mike should register his concern and offer to buy a helmet or pay for a safety class for Robby. But he has to let Ethan know that while he doesn’t necessarily agree that Robby should have an e-bike, Ethan gets to have the last word. Otherwise, this rift could turn into something a lot worse. And, that wouldn’t be good for anyone. —Ilyce Classic Prudie I’ve recently moved back to my hometown and decided to use the small town move to get more involved with community art hobbies (think submitting art to contests at the fair where the only prize is a ribbon and trying out for community theater productions to be part of the choir and help paint sets). I have no desire to be “discovered,” nor do I believe myself to be fantastically talented. I consider it to be a great way to have fun, get out of the house, and feel some creative accomplishment. The problem is that my mother lives here too and seems to be of the impression that it’s her job to crush my “dreams.” Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Personal Finance Relationships