My Life Seriously Changed After a Medical Diagnosis. My Best Friend’s Reaction Has Been … Bizarre.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Paola de Varona, senior advice editor, about the perils of friendship and social media. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by simonapilolla/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, I had a best friend (let’s call her “Megan”) who became like the sister I never had. We did vacations together, we shared secrets we’d never told another soul, I joked that I saw her more than my husband, and when she went through a divorce, I was with her every step of the way—even showing up in court for support. When we first met, she originally came on really strong, what some of my other friends called “love-bombing,” and while we had some spats here and there, I always figured these are signs of intimacy. At least, whenever I had an issue, I’d talk to her about it. Anything from feeling insecure to confronting a miscommunication. Fast forward to several years after we met, and I went through a terrible physical ordeal (injured my hip, was diagnosed with hip dysplasia) that left me in chronic pain and with a lot of confusion over my identity and how I saw myself. I shared my health journey on social media in the hopes of finding others like myself, and to give hope to anyone suffering from this condition with no great options forward. Megan was supportive at first, but then things took a … strange turn. After a short while, she wasn’t around as much and I eventually realized she had unfollowed me on social media. When I asked her about it, she told me “I prefer the IRL you to social media you,” and called me phony. I told her I needed space, but after she accused me of ignoring her, we had a long argument over the phone where she revealed that my social media content was triggering for her because she had gained 5-to-8 lbs and wasn’t feeling great about herself (I posted a lot of photos in a sport bra and shorts, and I had lost weight from depression and muscle loss). I ended my friendship with her because I realized that she never unfollowed other accounts that bothered her, but her best friend? Who was trying to find a community online? It felt like a slap in the face. I guess my question is: Was I wrong to end this friendship? Should we have tried to work it out? —Best Friend-Less Jenée Desmond-Harris: Hi Paola! Thank you for filling in for Lizzie today. There are so many layers to this, I almost don’t know where to start, so I guess we can just unpack it from the beginning. In my world, having “spats” with friends is not common and not a sign of intimacy. Then again, I’m a super conflict-avoidant and I also probably just wouldn’t make time to be friends with someone if we bumped heads a lot. What do you think about this, and am I off base for thinking it represents a crack in the foundation of the friendship that existed long before the conflict that ended things? Paola de Varona: I agree! I think it’s healthy and good to have the occasional tough conversation with lifelong friendships rather than stewing in resentment. But multiple small spats? Red flag for me. Also, the fact that some of them were about “feeling insecure,” which I took to mean feeling insecure toward each other, would make me run in the other direction—friends are supposed to be happy for each other. Jenée: Right! I think I have mentioned this in a column before, but I once very amicably ended an emerging friendship with someone who always surprised me by interpreting my actions as being hostile or competitive to her. The last straw was when she accused me of always needing to be the first one out of the elevator. I promise I was not trying to win any kind of a race! At that point, I realized I didn’t want to feel like I always had to walk on eggshells around her. I suspect that there were moments during those early “spats” with Megan that could have triggered a similar kind of analysis. But that’s neither here nor there. And there’s more recent, clearer, evidence that Megan is just kind of mean. Paola: What—elevator exit order?! That’s a spy for the surveillance state, not a friend. You’re right about Megan. The thing is, even if you find your friend or family member’s social media presence to be cringey at best or embarrassing for them at worst, all you have to do is … not look. Mute someone’s account! Throw them a like and keep scrolling if you insist on having them show up on your feed! It’s really that easy—and it never ever warrants a “conversation” about how you find their online persona annoying. Jenée: Yes, the elevator thing was nuts because if anything, I was concerned about getting out of other people’s way as they tried to exit. I don’t have a competitive bone in my body! Why would I care about being the first one in the lobby? See, I’m getting wound up again just talking about this, which is why I know I made the right choice. This was also the kind of friend who would be like “I guess I wasn’t originally thought of” if you casually mentioned going to dinner with one friend and then invited her to join. Anyway… You’re right. There was absolutely no need for Megan to unfollow when the mute button (or, like you said, giving a courtesy like and scrolling on past) exists. And the “phony” insult took things to another level entirely. Letter writer, this is not a person who likes you! At all! Or at the very least, her insecurity (that’s what this all boils down to, right?) is stronger than her affection for you. Paola: Ooof, your former friend is making me crawl out of my skin over here. We’re all adults; more likely than not, no one is ever actively trying to exclude anyone. I think the through-line between your tale and Megan is definitely a baseline of insecurity that colors everything they do. If you’re insecure about not being a well-liked person, you’re going to think people are purposely leaving you out of dinner plans. If you dislike your body, you’re going to think someone’s photos in a sports bra are an affront to how you look in yours. It’s OK to have these sore spots, but when you make it everyone else’s problem instead of yours to slowly chip away at, all of your relationships are destined to fail. It sounds like the letter writer was doing the work to feel good about herself and connect with new people who understand the person she is now. She’s working on herself! Hopefully this means she’ll connect with new people who are doing the same—because it doesn’t sound like Megan was doing much of that. Jenée: Yes. And to answer the question directly, letter-writer, I think you did the right thing by ending the friendship and I don’t think you gave up on something that could have been salvaged. Misunderstandings can be repaired. Hurting each other unintentionally can be repaired (and you can learn from it). Changed needs and moods and shifting priorities can be worked through. But a fundamental “I don’t feel good about myself so I’m going to lash out at you in a mean way” issue is, to me, something that you don’t want to put a lot of energy into fixing. I promise you there’s a friend out there whose opinion of your sports bra pictures and changing body will be shaped by finding out how YOU feel about these things. And if she’s not a social media person and prefers the real you, she will handle that by seeking out more in-person time. Paola: Exactly. And letter writer, one last suggestion: You might spend a few minutes (or hours) scrolling through the friend breakup “storytimes” online. I think you’ll find that you’re in, unfortunately, good company. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence