My life has been controlled by sex and porn addiction for 25 years… I’m exhausted and finally want to change

I NEED help. For the past 25 years my life has been controlled by sex. I’ve never admitted the full extent of my addiction to anyone but I’m exhausted and want to change. I’m a man in my late forties and, outwardly, I’m successful. I run a small business from home, have friends and a partner. But behind closed doors, I compulsively masturbate — often five or six times a day — and I usually don’t even enjoy it. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! My day usually starts with pornography. As soon as my partner goes to work, I spend an hour scrolling. I even watch it under the covers at night when she’s asleep next to me. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial It is affecting my work and stopping me from going out to exercise. My addiction has also caused me to be unfaithful to my partner even though I love her. Over the years I’ve arranged secret meetings with other women through apps and websites. I regularly tell her I’m visiting a client but spend the afternoon in a hotel room with someone I’d met online. Afterwards, I sit in my car feeling sick with shame. But sadly that doesn’t stop me from doing it again a few weeks later. I’ve been married in the past too but that ended after my ex discovered messages to other women on my phone. She read dozens of conversations I’d had with strangers. I let her think I was just a terrible person rather than admit that I had a problem. I really want to be different now. I’m so sick of the lies and the guilt and I don’t want to destroy another relationship. I’m wasting my life. But whenever I try to stop, I just don’t have enough willpower. DEIDRE SAYS: The fact you recognise this behaviour is damaging is a very important first step. Sex addiction is not easy to overcome because it usually has very deep roots, so don’t berate yourself for failing to conquer it through willpower alone. As for porn, that’s designed to keep people hooked. You need professional assistance. My support pack Addicted To Sex? has lots of useful information and sources of specialist help for you. Speak to your GP, too, who may be able to refer you for specialist counselling. If you can, think about being honest with your partner about your addiction. Both admitting your addiction to her, and having her support, will help you recover. PAIN MEANS MAKING LOVE IS TAKEN OFF THE AGENDA DEAR DEIDRE: SEX has become impossible because of a physical problem that’s shocked me. When I tried to be intimate with my new partner, I couldn’t pull my foreskin back over the head of my penis. It made me feel so worried. I’m in my early forties and haven’t had a relationship – or sex – for three years. I’ve just started seeing a lovely woman. But when we went to bed, my foreskin was so tight that sex was impossible. I made an excuse to stop because I was scared it would split or get stuck. But I’ve no idea what’s happened or how to fix it. Online searches suggest creams or stretching exercises but I’m not sure if they’re safe. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my GP. Is there a cream I can get to loosen it? I don’t want to wreck my new relationship before it’s even started. DEIDRE SAYS: What you’re describing sounds like phimosis. It’s more common than many men realise and nothing to feel embarrassed about. But it can be connected with conditions like diabetes, so it’s wise to seek medical advice. Don’t force it, as that can cause painful tears and make the problem worse. Please go to see your GP, who absolutely won’t judge you. They can examine you and will probably prescribe a steroid cream to soften it. You need to get this treated, as not being able to clean under the foreskin can cause health issues. I FEEL SO TRAPPED WITH MY PARTNER DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship has run its course but neither my partner nor our families seem to have got the memo. I now feel trapped, bored and miserable. I dream of escape. How can I get out without upsetting everyone? My partner and I are in our late twenties and have been together since we were teenagers and our families are very close. They all assume we’ll stay together forever, even though I told him months ago I don’t love him any more. We still share a rented flat because neither of us can afford to move out. To keep the peace, I even sleep in the same bed with him. He isn’t violent but he guilt-trips me and begs for affection. I just want my freedom. What can I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You both deserve a relationship that makes you happy. Although your partner isn’t violent, ignoring your boundaries and using guilt to keep you there isn’t healthy. It’s controlling. At the same time sleeping in the same bed will be confusing for him. Even if you have to sleep on the sofa for a while that would make your intentions clearer and help you both move on. Tell him it’s time to agree to a separation plan. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help. Talk to your family and explain that you don’t want to hurt anyone but you’re desperately unhappy. You can also contact shelter.org.uk (0808 800 4444) for housing advice. I’M WORRIED HE’S BEEN RAPING ME DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK I might have been raped by my new boyfriend but I’m so confused. He acts like nothing is wrong but I can’t stop crying. Please help. I’m 32 and he’s 35. We met on a dating site. He’s a personal trainer and he offered to help me get fitter, saying he’d give me free sessions. I felt flattered by how much interest he showed in me. When I visited his flat, he seemed lovely at first. We did a bit of exercise then he suddenly kissed me. I was shocked. Then, saying he just wanted to cuddle, he pulled me to his bedroom. I felt frozen to the spot and didn’t know how to get away. He ignored me, even though I repeatedly said no and we had sex. Afterwards he acted like we were a couple and insisted I text him saying I had enjoyed myself. Since then, whenever we meet, he has kept pressuring me into sexual situations I don’t want. But he makes me feel like I wanted it and it’s normal. I cry myself to sleep every night and I feel so numb. He keeps asking to see me and says he wants a serious relationship but I’m struggling to understand what happened. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry but your instincts are right. This man has repeatedly raped you. You didn’t consent to sex and he ignored you when you said no. Now he is manipulating and gaslighting you by acting like he cares. It’s no wonder you feel so confused. Please do not meet him alone again. Save any messages and other evidence, and contact rapecrisis.org.uk (0808 500 2222). They can help you deal with what’s happened and discuss whether you want to report this man to the police. None of this is your fault. My support pack, Have You Been Raped?, has more information and sources of help. Comment now