My Kids’ Friends Ask a Very Impolite Question Every Time We’re All Together. They Need to Drop It.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by SeventyFour/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Our 11-year-old son and 9-year-old daughter each have a best friend who lives around the corner. It’s honestly wonderful. They can walk or bike to each other’s houses, they play constantly, and these friendships have become a huge part of our family life. Their friends are welcome here, and I genuinely enjoy having them around. The downside is that they’re very comfortable in our home now. So comfortable, they don’t hesitate to ask if they can spend the night, stay longer, have more Nintendo Switch time, or come with us when we go somewhere—or ask us to stop on the way for snow cones, or ask if I’ll buy them something while I’m at the store. None of those requests bothers me. Kids ask for things, that’s fine. The problem comes when the answer is no. Instead of accepting it, they’ll ask, “Why not?” If I give a brief explanation, they’ll try to negotiate. If I don’t explain, they’ll keep asking (“But why?”) or beg, “Just for a little longer?” It’s exhausting because these little negotiations happen over and over again. Often, the answer is simply that I have other plans, need to get dinner on the table, have errands to run, or am just not up for adding one more thing to the day. I don’t really want to explain my schedule or justify my decisions to someone else’s child every time I say no. My own kids know, because we’ve taught them, that when another parent says no, the polite response is, “OK.” Adults don’t owe children a detailed explanation for every decision, and it’s not appropriate to negotiate unless the adult invites that conversation. Is their friends’ behavior just normal kid behavior that I should ignore? Or is there a kind, age-appropriate way to teach someone else’s children that “no” is a complete sentence? I don’t want these kids to feel unwelcome or like they have to tiptoe around me. I love that they feel at home here, and I don’t want to damage these friendships over something so minor. At the same time, I’d really like to stop having every “no” turn into a debate. —Because I Said No Dear Because, So don’t debate with them. And the polite way to teach them that “no” is a complete sentence is to make it so. But it’s not your job to teach them anything. It’s your job—where these kids are concerned—to make them feel welcome and to keep them safe and healthy when they’re in your charge. You seem to be doing that. I’m sorry you’re finding their response to your refusal to cater to their every whim so exhausting and frustrating, and I’m glad your solution is not to stop hosting them, because that would be very sad for your kids. I would advise that when they ask—repeatedly—for something, and your answer is no, you say, “Nope, sorry,” cheerfully and briskly, every time. If they ask more than once, say it more than once. And if you don’t want to, you don’t have to respond to their “But why not?”s with anything more than a shrug. (Me, I’d say whatever is true—I don’t have time, we have other plans, etc.—but then I tend to go overboard in the “let me explain” department, as should be self-evident. If you hate explaining yourself, just don’t.) By the way, I don’t know if their not taking no for an answer from their friends’ parents is “normal kid behavior” at ages 9 and 11 (if they were younger, sure). More likely, their own parents haven’t made an effort to teach them to politely accept an adult’s “no” without question. (Indeed, they may have taught them—unintentionally, or even, possibly, on purpose—never to accept anyone’s no unquestioningly.) But don’t let this be your problem if you don’t want it to be. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My sister asked me to be the legal guardian for each of her children (11F and 10M) when she was pregnant, and I agreed without hesitation. At the time, I was young (23 when the oldest was born) and single. I lived about an hour away from them and figured if I did need to step in as their guardian and I didn’t have my own family established in my area, I would move to them so that the kids’ entire lives wouldn’t need to be uprooted in the wake of their parents’ deaths. I’m a teacher in a high-demand subject, so the ability to find a new job in a slightly different area isn’t of concern. When I started going out with my now-husband five years ago, I made sure he was aware of my agreement with my sister and my intent to fulfill it, if needed. He had no issue with it. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting