My Kid Was Suspended for What He Did at School. My Wife Thinks We Should Add an Absurd “Learning” Moment to His Punishment.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Samantha,” and I have a 12-year-old son, “Shane,” who just started middle school. Four days after school began, we received a call from the principal informing us that Shane had earned himself a three day suspension. His crime: drawing a sexually explicit cartoon of a girl in his class on her desk. Samantha and I have grounded him for the next two months and he has lost his phone until after the new year. As far as I’m concerned, that should be the end of it. But my wife is now convinced that our son is on the path to becoming a sexual predator and wants him to meet with survivors of sexual violence to hear their stories. Isn’t this overkill? —He’s Already Learned His Lesson Dear Learned His Lesson, Is your wife a survivor of sexual violence, and are you sure about you know the answer? It’s possible that her big reaction is a result of her own experiences or those of women and/or girls she’s known. Sexual harm is horribly common in the lives of young people. While I don’t want to dismiss the experiences of boys and men, you should know that from early girlhood, many women experience a tremendous volume of gender-based harm. “Silly” sexual “humor,” like your son’s drawing, is often treated as no big deal, but it is. Mistreating girls is not a rite of passage, what your son did was disgusting. Regardless of your wife’s personal journey, she has every right to want to take drastic measures to prevent him from escalating his behavior. I feel like many parents of boys who don’t see the severity of these incidents would feel differently if their sons were being targeted by another boy, but that’s neither here nor there. Let your wife scare your son straight now so he doesn’t graduate to worse harm like touching in the future. Instead of making him meet with survivors (which sounds like a hell of a thing to try and coordinate), talk to him about gender-based harassment and violence and let him know what can happen to people who do it. (“Can” because we know how often justice eludes victims.) Emphasize the lasting impact on the people who are harmed in this way and ask him to put himself in his classmate’s shoes. Keep your foot up his butt (figuratively) so he keeps his hands to himself and his artwork appropriate. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate My parents come across as amazing people. They are both well-known academics in their fields and active in social justice circles. They use much of their generational wealth for philanthropic projects. My mom sits on the board of a famous charity; my dad is liked wherever he goes. They were also profoundly, viciously abusive to me when I was growing up. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids