My Kid Stood Up for Herself and I’m Proud. The Way the School and My Wife Are Reacting Is an Injustice.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Khosror/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Ashley,” and I have a 5-year-old son, “Sean,” and an 8-year-old daughter, “Ruby.” Ruby started 3rd grade earlier this month. Unfortunately there’s a girl in her class, “Wendy,” that she has disliked since kindergarten (the feeling is mutual). The situation was tolerable at school previously because they were never in the same classroom—until now. Then last week, Wendy deliberately spilled paint on Ruby during an art project. Ruby retaliated by punching her. Ruby received a one-day suspension; Wendy faced no consequences. To make matters worse, Ashley now wants to make Ruby miss her best friend’s birthday party as punishment to send the message that hitting is wrong. I don’t think this is appropriate because Ruby was defending herself. Who’s right? —It Was Self Defense! Dear It Was Self Defense! Okay, Tyler Dad-den, you are not helping this situation whatsoever. Let’s recap: Ruby cold-cocked Wendy, and the school rightfully suspended her. But your wife decided that’s not a sufficient enough punishment for your daughter’s second-degree assault and doesn’t want to encourage that behavior. You, on the other hand, are encouraging your daughter to scrap here, even though she is 8 years old. EIGHT, dude. And this is even more deranged behavior from you: Somehow, you’ve clocked that Wendy’s been trouble since kindergarten? How? The way she swung her K-Pop Demon Hunter bookbag? The flashing colors of her wheeled sneakers? Bottom line: Ruby needs to understand that she can’t hit anyone, even her arch-nemesis. She won’t if you don’t change your attitude. You may think this is an over-the-top response from your wife, but she appears to be the only one of you taking this seriously. Ruby should stay home from the party, and you should pursue some serious counseling so she doesn’t end up in federal prison one day for following your “advice.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Chad,” and I have two kids, “Amy,” 5, and “Ray,” 7. There’s a kid at Ray’s school, “Bobby,” that he doesn’t like. Recently, Chad has encouraged Ray to do something that I think is completely inappropriate. We were called by the school last Monday because Ray and Bobby had gotten into a shoving match when it came time to line up at the end of recess. Ray has one of those kid-sized punching bags, and Chad had Ray draw a picture of Bobby and attached it to the punching bag. He told him that whenever he’s mad about something Bobby says or does, he can take it out on the picture instead of Bobby. Chad thinks this is a healthy outlet for Ray’s frustration. I think it encourages violence. Who’s right? —No Punching Dear No Punching, Wow, something’s in the air this week. Has Ray met Ruby? If not, good—you should keep them away from each other. Boxing is a legit healthy activity and if it helps your son build confidence, that’s great. And I think your husband’s heart is in the right place—don’t hit Bobby, hit Bobby’s paper face instead. I’m sure Ray feels seen and protected. But I also share your concerns that this is veering into using Bobby as a target practice, which is definitely no bueno. And as I advised the previous letter writer: We have to teach kids as early as possible that punching someone is never a smart or appropriate response. Even professional fighters and Navy Seals insist that the best form of self-defense in any situation is to walk (or run!) away. Too many bad things can happen, especially when non-professionals (and kids) start shoving and swinging wildly. Nobody wants children to be bullied. I have attempted to put all my kids in Brazilian jiu-jitsu for that very reason. But it’s more important that they learn that a sport is a sport and they can learn to protect themselves (and protect others) without violence. I think me and the other hit-em-back dads need to learn that as well. The punching bag is good exercise. But it would do your son a lot more good to practice talking to Bobby’s paper face. —A.J. More Parenting Advice From Slate Recently my 16-year-old nephew came to stay with us for a few days. He is homeschooled by his mother, and it emerged in the course of our conversations that not only has his mother not provided any real direction for him on how he can get to university, but she has clearly lied to him about her own schooling: She has told him she excelled at school; my partner, her brother, knows she barely got through high school at all. I want to help him apply to college. What should I do? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids