My In-Laws Love Spoiling My Kids. But Their Latest Splurge Went Way Too Far.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband “Adam’s” parents have always spoiled our kids “Mariah,” 5, and “Larsen,” 11. I grudgingly tolerated it because I grew up with my own grandparents making allowances for me that my parents would have forbidden, like getting to stay up late or extra ice cream that I really appreciated. But recently I discovered my in-laws gave something to Larsen that sent me into orbit. Yesterday I caught him viewing an adult website on a smart phone! He admitted that my husband’s parents gave it to him last month with the agreement that he calls them at least twice a week and that it would be “their little secret”. There were NO parental controls on the thing; a review of his browser history showed almost entirely porn sites. I destroyed it, put the pieces in a box, and FedExed them to my in-laws because I didn’t trust myself to bring them over and not do something that would have landed me in jail. After a violation of trust on this level, I’m not sure I ever want my husband’s parents around our kids again. Adam says while his parents shouldn’t have given Larsen the phone behind our backs, he thinks they were just trying to do something nice for him and that a time-out of a few months is the appropriate response. He’s out of his fucking mind, isn’t he? —iPhone Fury Dear iPhone Fury, We get a lot of letters from wives who are upset at their in-laws for being somehow inappropriate with their grandchildren and don’t have the support of their husbands. I suppose many of us have blind spots when it comes to our parents’ poor choices, especially if they behaved similarly with us as children. However, in this case, I don’t think your man’s proposed punishment is unreasonable. What his parents did was ridiculous and ire-worthy, but not necessarily worth cutting them off from your kids for good. I don’t think that would be a good lesson for your children, either, to see that one (big) mistake would lead to such a severe consequence. These are not your neighbors; they are your children’s grandparents. Talk to your in-laws, ensure they understand the problem with what they did, and be clear that behavior like that will lead to further disruption in their relationship with the kids. As far as your husband is concerned, you need to ensure that he, too, comes around to recognize the error in his parents’ decision and agrees to enforce boundaries with them. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband has two kids from his previous marriage, “Jayla,” 6, and “Ari,” 8, and we have a 2-year-old daughter, “Emmy.” The problem I have is that his ex, “Marla,” will load the kids up on sugar right before dropping them off. This means they are climbing the walls for the next three hours after they arrive, leaving me stuck dealing with them plus a toddler, since my husband is at work when Marla drops them off. The effects have worn off by the time he gets home. I have asked him to speak to her about not inducing a sugar high in the kids before bringing them over, but he says he can’t tell Marla what to serve them when they are with her. I know it’s the sugar that’s the problem because when Jayla and Ari are with us we limit sugar and they’re fine. What am I supposed to do? —Sugar Surge Dear Sugar Surge, Has your husband spoken to his ex about what she’s feeding the kids shortly before drop-off? Ideally, he could have a chat with her and explain how they tend to behave when they come to your home. If that’s a lost cause, adjust your approach to welcoming the kids. If there are things they need to do when they get in, create a routine: “We always hang up our jackets and bring our bags into our bedrooms when we come in.” Come up with activities to help them burn off some energy; taking the kids for a walk or to the park shortly after they arrive, or letting them play in the backyard, can help them settle down a bit. Offer them a snack rich in protein and/or fiber and some water. Also, consider that the kids’ frenetic energy when they come in may be tied to nerves over their living situation; sugar isn’t the only thing that makes kids hyper, though Mom could be giving them sweet snacks as a result of some anxiety about their visits. Talk to the kids about how excited you are to have them with you and plan activities they’ll enjoy in advance so they have things to look forward to. If their rambunctiousness is creating a challenge for your little one, explain this to them and come up with ways they can interact with their sibling and be helpful to her without feeling like “the help.” —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate I’m very torn about what to do. A couple of weeks ago at a family get-together, my cousin brought her new boyfriend. He is middle-aged and didn’t set off any alarm bells until my 5-year-old daughter got home from camp. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids