My In-Laws Give Their Birds Free Rein Over Their House. I’ve Finally Found the Perfect Excuse to Get Them to Change Their Ways.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? July 24, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Piyanat Nethaisong/Getty Images Plus, IfH85/Getty Images Plus, and PaleStudio/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, I wrote in a few years ago (Birds of a Feather Poop Together) about my in-laws’ free-flying (free-pooping) birds. However long down the road it’s been, we recently returned from a visit to see them. I neglected to mention they live far away, so visits are lengthy multi-day trips, sleeping at their house. They wanted to show off the birds’ new solarium and their updated kitchen. It was fabulous. The birds have a gorgeous room that looks out to the backyard and a new pond with a /waterfall; they could not be happier. The couch STILL has poop on it, and the house still smells like mothballs, but THIS WAS A WIN! And the boys now have the perfect lever to pull when they’re asking for these updates/adjustments/investments—the child. Our tot is 18 months now, and there’s a good chance she might be their only grandchild. All the asks will be from the perspective of, “It would be soo good for your granddaughter if…” Anyway, appreciate all the wisdom you all dispense; I am truly a better human because of Slate! —Birds of a Feather I was reading your letter thinking “This doesn’t sound familiar, but I’m sure I would have remembered a letter about free-flying and free-pooping birds in a kitchen!” It turned out that Ariel Berry wrote the original response. Anyway, not that I’m not as worried about my memory, I’m very happy for you! And the birds, who seem to be living a great life with their own room. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, I’m actually fully convinced the funeral crasher mom that Funeral Fears wrote in about was real. People really are this wild, and do show up places in disguises. My mom used to work at a school where a principal got fired for drinking on the job, and he kept showing up to school board meetings in disguise. They used to ask her to stand by the door and try to figure out if anyone was him wearing a fake mustache. Probably when you are related to one of these people, you feel very alone and isolated and can’t mention these things to people IRL because they sound crazy. Of course, they sound crazy to strangers, too. Point is: Every fake-sounding thing probably has happened to somebody somewhere because people are so strange. —More Things on Heaven and Earth Thank you for this because I laughed out loud at the image of a drunk principal showing up to school board meetings in disguise. You are right (and I should know this as well as anyone!) that anything is possible. Hey Prudie, Re Lost in Illinois: I would say that your advice is great, but I doubt it will turn out well. I was married to my ex for 15 years, and we were together for 17. My stepson was 9 when we got married, so he was 24 when we separated. We were very close, and he had lived with us full-time for probably the four years prior, and before that we had him half the time. While I was going through this horrible divorce in which his dad had cheated on me, he called me and asked to borrow money from me. Both his father and his mother had more money than me, but he knew that I was the one most likely to give it to him. I offered to give him $10,000 as a loan, and he agreed he’d stop paying me back when he started working again. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. He never reached out anymore; I basically didn’t exist to him. He paid me $250 one time about a year later when I asked him about it. And he also said that he would continue to pay me, but then I never heard a word from him, nor did he ever pay me back anymore. This was a total heartbreak for me. It is now been 10 or 11 years, and I’m hurt by it. It would be best for her not to allow this woman back into her life. I only see more heartache. —Ex Stepmom What a tough situation. You may be right. I worried that the letter writer would feel guilty and always wonder whether she and Jade could have reconciled if they didn’t respond. But the possibility of more heartbreak is definitely real. Hey Prudie, Re Sweet and Sour: I really like your response, Prudie, but may I add a further thought that has worked for me with a sweet but sometimes overwhelming or annoying in-law? Meet the person “somewhere else” other than their comfort zone (in this case, gossiping) or yours (say, celebrating other people). Finding a third space helps to lessen the frustration that inevitably comes with trying to drag people into your preferred relational orientation. Instead, steer them and yourself toward shared activities (like cooking, hiking, art-making) that redirect both of your energies while also sometimes creating valuable new experiences. —Savory and Surprising Orientations Yes! Great advice. Hey Prudie, In response to Hometown Hall, they really DON’T have to move home! If they look for tourism jobs, they can find cool jobs that include room and board. My adult offspring work in tourism, and they travel with friends for the shoulder seasons. In the summer, they are in Alaska or a national park, then a travel month in the fall, then at a ski resort in the winter. Imagine how satisfying it would be to run into Alice over Christmas and be able to say, “I just spent a month in New Zealand.” Or Thailand, or anywhere more interesting than their hometown! Living well (and somewhere else! ) could be their best revenge. —Travel Bud I love this idea. There are options! Hey Prudie, Re Running Out of Time: I worked with a woman who was a surrogate twice! We’re well-educated, decently compensated women with decent health insurance. I think she is one of those women who truly enjoyed being pregnant and didn’t mind the obligations of nursing (she continued to pump and ship the milk for as long as she could).She and her husband had friends who couldn’t have kids, and they came to a financial/legal agreement regarding the surrogacy. Her feeling was, if I’m physically, emotionally, and financially capable of doing this thing to give my friends something meaningful, why wouldn’t I? It’s one data point, but I wanted to provide an example of surrogacy that didn’t feel exploitative. —My Co-Worker Was a Surrogate It’s good to hear this kind of story. Also, unrelated to the dilemma in the letter, the idea that some people really enjoy being pregnant blows my mind and is an important reminder about how we all have such different experiences with life! Classic Prudie For spring break, I took my 12-year-old grandson and his friend to Florida. I paid for everything: plane tickets, food, movies, a fishing/snorkeling trip, a trip to swim with the dolphins, and a day at an arcade/game room. I did all of the laundry, took them to nice restaurants, and ordered in when they didn’t want to go out. The friend was very critical of everything: my condo was old, the rental car smelled like cats, the flamingos smelled like crap, the waves were too high, the water was cold, etc… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence Family