My Husband’s Downstairs Situation Does Not Lend Itself to Pleasure. There’s an Easy Fix—That He Won’t Let Me Do.

How to Do It He’s more interested in his ego than my enjoyment. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by fizkes/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My husband and I are in our early 50s. We never have sex because his penis is about 3 inches long when it’s hard. We’ve tried every position and nothing works except me on top of him but when we do that I feel NOTHING! I also hate the way he kisses. It’s a turn off. (Circle my mouth three times, pull his tongue out and do it again). I feel sad I can’t be a better wife. We’ve talked but I hate to mention his small penis. He’s very sensitive. We’ve tried vibrators but he feels bad that he can’t get me off and that I need a vibrator. I do give him blowjobs but then he still feels bad that I can’t cum with him in me because his penis doesn’t stay in. Is there anything I can do? —Want to Figure It Out Dear Want to Figure It Out, You wrote that you feel sad you can’t be a better wife, but what would that entail exactly in this situation? Enduring sex that isn’t particularly stimulating or kissing that you despise? You have figured out several workarounds to compensate for the physical challenges and your husband’s great sensitivity about this issue. If you can’t have the frank conversation that could allow some real collaborative troubleshooting and brainstorming, well, you’re doing about as well as I think anyone could expect. Plenty of people can’t orgasm through vaginal penetration regardless of their partner’s size. Many, in fact, will use a vibrator during sex for this reason. The ensuing orgasm may not be entirely of your partner’s creation, but that’s often how these things go, anyway. Your partner can only provide so much—your body and mindset must align in such a way that makes an orgasm possible. My recommendation is to combine what’s been working, at least mechanically: cowgirl with the vibrator. It’s understandable if you don’t want to be on top since you’ve done it and couldn’t feel anything, but if you’d be up for trying again, the vibrator could very well make you feel something. And then you have the benefit of pleasuring him with intercourse as well as the feeling of being bonded that can come with the act. You can frame a conversation about this not in terms of his shortcomings but what you believe your body needs. Tell him this is the way that you think you’ll orgasm. You can ask him what’s more important: his pride or your pleasure? Let him know this is work for both of you to handle together. It also may be worth consulting the various guides for sex with a small penis that exist online (like this one). You’ve tried everything but have you actually tried everything? You tried doggy, but did you try it at the end of the bed so that he is standing to enter you? Or completely flat on your stomach? There are so many variations to a lot of sex positions and sex with an average-sized or large penis is often about finding the exact right approach through trial and error. Some fine-tuning may be in order, as it is for anybody. Your issue with his kissing is a big one that can be very tough to resolve. But you can ask him to relax and allow you to take the lead. Have him respond to the tone you set and if he starts doing that thing that you hate, stop and tell him that you’re in control this time. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, What is the etiquette for sex toys used during more casual hookups? More than once, I’ve been hooking up with someone I’ve met off the apps and they’ve brought out their sex toys for us to use together. Sometimes I’ve allowed it. But it got me thinking about whether I should be bringing my own for sanitary reasons? Should I trust they’ve cleaned it well enough? Is there a difference between something used externally versus internally? —If I Think Too Much About It, I Weird Myself Out Dear If I Think Too Much About It, I Weird Myself Out, We invest a lot of trust in strangers when we take them into our homes and holes. They receive unearned confidence from us that they will not hurt us physically, respect our property, and be honest about their health. We make ourselves vulnerable for the sake of fun, orgasm, and maybe even some fleeting intimacy. This tends to work out. For many, the reward outweighs the risk. Health stuff exists in a gray area. Obviously, people get STIs from hook-ups regardless of upfront talk. People are often unaware of asymptomatic STIs they are carrying, which means they could be honest to the best of their ability and still transmit something. There are also dishonest people out there who will say whatever it takes to get laid. They may lie about having been recently tested or about active infections that they are aware of. This is why tools like PrEP and doxy PEP are useful: They’re proactive ways of protecting your health regardless of what other people say. I’m a big advocate of both, and so I say yes, you should bring your own sex toys and/or clean those that your partners bring over just in case. It’s really OK to take the time and to risk looking like a germaphobe/neat freak. Some people use condoms on toys like dildos/vibrators, quite literally adding a layer of protection. STIs can be transmitted via sex toys. For those like HPV and herpes that are transmitted skin-to-skin, it would not make much of a difference if the toys were used internally or externally. Some STIs can live on surfaces for hours, even days. Porous material like latex and some rubbers can retain bacteria and it’s often advised not to share this kind of toy; nonporous materials like silicone and glass are typically regarded as safer. Warm water and soap is generally recommended for cleaning sex toys, but there are specific products formulated specifically for cleaning them. If you don’t mind spending the cash, go for that option. Of course, if your partner has an undisclosed active infection and you’re doing stuff with them beyond playing with toys (like oral, anal, or PIV), you still might contract something. With virtually all sexual contact comes some kind of risk—the best you can do in most instances is attempt to reduce it with precautions. For your peace of mind, bring your own toys and clean your partners’. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, My partner and I have always had a good time in the bedroom, but recently I feel like it’s become a little too casual. I guess as we’ve gotten older and more familiar with each other, sex has felt like it’s drifted from a romantic, mystique filled endeavor to something more lighthearted, and sometimes even silly (like we’ll laugh when certain insertion mistakes are made). I don’t really know if that’s the energy I want to cultivate in the bedroom, but I also appreciate the way our relationship has flourished and the expression of comfort that the way our sex is now demonstrates. How can I find a middle ground here, without forcing a specific idea of sex I have in my head onto my partner? —Halfway There Dear Halfway There, Do some more thinking about what exactly is wrong with the dynamic as it stands. You feel like sex has gotten “too casual” and the good-humored vibe is one that you “don’t really know” you want in your bedroom. Why? Practically speaking, this is what is working. Striving for a different dynamic out of principle does not make a ton of sense and it may set you up to fail. Your relationship has adapted in (what I am assuming from your letter) the years that you have been together. That’s a triumph. So many people write into us because sex in their long-term relationship has dried up or become unpleasant. Appreciate what you have; not everyone is so lucky or well-skilled at maintaining the connection. I think it’s important for you to figure out exactly what you want. I’m getting vague, “…not this,” vibes from your letter but that kind of thinking is tantamount to criticism that isn’t constructive. Instead of bringing a “no” attitude to your partner, bring yeses. Add-ons. Things that you can easily pivot to given your enduring connection. One way to make things a bit more serious is to introduce roleplay. This would allow you to select a tone with the expectation that it is maintained throughout your session. That may come close to forcing a specific idea of sex you have in your head onto your partner, but roleplay is about narrowing parameters. It is not about forcing or coercion, though, so definitely do not proceed unless your partner is on board. There are specific types of roleplay like consensual non-consent that can feel really serious. This may be something worth exploring, along with something like BDSM, again, provided that everyone is down and safe words are employed. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a man who’s been with my girlfriend for close to eight years now. The longer we’ve been together, the more I’m starting to realize I’m bisexual. She’s always known that I’ve been curious and wanting to explore my sexuality, and she’s helped me with that in the past even when she wasn’t so comfortable with it. I just want to be honest with her about how interested I am in men, but I don’t know how to really go there. Help? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex