My husband’s affair with a colleague tore our family apart – and I don’t know whether to forgive him

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband’s affair tore our family apart but now, two months on, he says leaving was the biggest mistake of his life. I’m 42 and he’s 44. We’ve been married for 15 years and have two children, 13 and 11. I really thought we were happy, although I suppose things had started to feel a little flat. He’d been working longer hours and seemed glued to his phone but I never read into it because I just trusted him. Then one evening I saw a message pop up on his phone that stopped me in my tracks. It was from one of his colleagues. It said, “Can’t stop thinking about you.” She works in the same sales team, and, looking back, I realise her name had been cropping up in conversations for months. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial When I confronted him, he insisted it was nothing but his face told me otherwise. He eventually admitted they’d been sleeping together for months and said he’d fallen in love with her. He packed a bag that night and left. He told me he’d moved in with his sister but I know he spent the majority of time with this other woman. I was completely broken. Then, last week, he turned up on our doorstep looking exhausted and begging forgiveness. He said he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me and the children. I still love him, so I let him in. But now I don’t know what to believe. We’ve spent the past few days talking and crying, and he’s promised he’ll do everything he can to fix things. But I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been through a huge emotional shock, not only discovering your husband’s affair but also suddenly finding yourself facing the loss of your marriage. While he may genuinely regret what he has done, forgiveness and rebuilding trust will take time. Don’t feel pressured to simply put this behind you because he has come home. Tell him honestly what you need from him to feel safe in the relationship again. He will need to be open, patient and willing to answer your questions while you process what happened. If you both want to save your marriage, having couple’s counselling through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960) could help you work through the betrayal and rebuild your relationship. My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help you understand your feelings and how to make progress. I’M AT END OF MY TETHER CARING FOR DYING FATHER DEAR DEIDRE: MY dad is dying but I’m exhausted from trying to be everything he needs. Dad is 71 and I’m his 42-year-old daughter, his only child. He was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last year and doctors have said he may only have weeks left. He’s now receiving end-of-life care at home and needs help with almost everything. Since he became so unwell he’s become very dependent on me. He rings several times a day asking when I’m coming over and, if I can’t make it, I’m met with comments about how he “won’t be here for ever”. I know he’s frightened and doesn’t want to be alone but I’m struggling, too. I have rheumatoid arthritis and some days the pain and exhaustion are so bad I can barely get through work, never mind drive across town and sit by his bed for hours. I love my dad more than anything but I’m completely worn out and don’t know how much more I can give. DEIDRE SAYS: You love your dad, but that doesn’t mean you have to exhaust yourself trying to meet every need. It’s OK to set boundaries around how often you can visit and how much you can realistically do. Talk to his end-of-life care team about what other support could be arranged so you’re not carrying this alone. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself can help you set healthy boundaries, and my support pack Coping With Bereavement can help navigate the difficult emotions ahead. CANNOT FORGET ONE THAT GOT AWAY DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER more than 30 years, I still can’t shake the thought of the one woman that got away. I’m 56 and she was my first real love. We met when we were 21 and spent nearly four years together. She was funny, kind and completely besotted with me but I was young and convinced there was something better out there. I ended things after getting caught up in nights out and a yearning to be single. At the time I thought I was making the right decision but, looking back, I was an idiot. I’ve had several relationships since but I’ve never completely stopped thinking about her. A few months ago I came across her on Facebook. She’s married now, has two children and she looks genuinely happy. I know I have no right to interfere but I can’t help but stare at her photos and wonder what would have been if I’d stayed. Part of me desperately wants to message her but I know I missed my chance. DEIDRE SAYS: You made a mistake when you were young but dwelling on what might have been will only keep you stuck in the past. Respect the life she has built and resist the temptation to contact her. Instead, focus on what you’ve learned about love and what you want from a relationship going forward. My support packs, Moving On and Finding The Right Partner For You, can help you get beyond this and then focus on finding happiness again. GIRLFRIEND CAN'T STOP SPENDING DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend says she wants to build a future with me but I feel I’m the only one working towards it. I’m 31 and she’s 29. We’ve been together for four years and have a really happy relationship. Recently we agreed we’d try to buy our first home by the end of the year and I’ve been doing everything I can to make it happen. I work more than 40 hours a week and have started doing evening deliveries to earn extra money. Most of my spare cash goes into savings and I’ve stopped going out with friends as much. She knows how important this next step is to me and says she wants it too. But I’m struggling to see what she’s doing to make it happen. She earns a decent wage but seems to spend it almost as quickly as it comes in, on clothes, expensive coffees and weekends away. Last month she spent £180 on trainers while telling me she couldn’t afford to put anything into our house fund. I don’t begrudge her enjoying herself but, when I bring it up, she says I’m putting too much pressure on her. She promises to save more next month but it never happens. I’m starting to wonder whether she’s committed to our future. DEIDRE SAYS: You’re putting a huge amount of effort into your shared goal, so it is understandable you feel frustrated. Have an honest conversation about your plans and agree on exactly how much you can each realistically save each month. That way, you’ll have a clear plan, rather than arguing about what each of you should be doing. If she continues to prioritise spending, you will need to discuss whether you’re truly working towards the same future. My pack Looking After Your Relationship can help you communicate your needs.