My Husband Was Always a Wonderful Gift-Giver. Now His Gifts Are Suspiciously … Off.

Dear Prudence He’s getting some “help.” Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 14, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by g-stockstudio/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Elena Filitova/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’m relatively anti-AI and abstain from using it in my personal life, though I do use it at work because I’ll be let go if I don’t. My husband is not an AI enthusiast, but he does use it in his day-to-day life. Would it be unreasonable to ask my husband to stop using AI to find or make gifts for me? Last Christmas, my husband gifted me a book printed with pictures of us throughout our relationship (so sweet), but also AI-generated haikus (a bit cringe). For my birthday a few months ago, he got me some things that weren’t AI-generated, but it seemed like he landed on these gifts by typing my interests into ChatGPT and buying the top recommendations. It’s hard to describe why it felt that way because the gifts weren’t wildly off-base, but I don’t think anyone who has known me as long as he has would get these things for me. I love him dearly, and this is really small potatoes, but it bothers me! He gave me such thoughtful, wonderful gifts pre-AI. I don’t want to come across as overbearing about gifts or judgmental about his personal AI usage. Asking for no more AI-generated poems or art seems pretty straightforward, but asking him not to use AI at all in the selection process seems like it could cross into overbearing territory. What are your thoughts? —I Don’t Need Gifts From Claude Dear I Don’t Need Gifts From Claude, I’ve mentioned my own disproportionate rage in the past about the use of AI when it’s used to compose a social media post and passed off as a person’s actual writing. My issue isn’t even all about the environmental harms of this technology. It’s that I get offended by the idea that people think they’re tricking their followers! But a recent experience slightly softened my judgment: I overheard a conversation about law firm associates using AI to conduct legal research and draft assignments. And I thought, “Oh, wow. That could have been me.” When I was a young attorney who often felt out of my depth, afraid to ask questions, and even more scared to miss deadlines, I can imagine that I may have really seen the appeal of plugging the details of the matter I was working on into an LLM in hopes of getting a start on a daunting project. And then it hit me: Of course I have no empathy for people who use ChatGPT to write an Instagram caption, because I personally think writing an Instagram caption is easy. But maybe they find it hard! And when you are insecure about your ability to do a particular thing, that’s when AI becomes really appealing. I had to admit to myself that when I’ve dabbled in AI, it’s been for things like home decor ideas. And I did that because I truly don’t have an eye for design and felt unable to make decisions on my own. I’m not proud of it, but my awareness of my own shortcomings is definitely what sent me there. I believe people are especially drawn to AI when they’re feeling dumb or lost about something. So I think your husband is turning to it because he feels dumb, lost, and not confident in his ability to express affection for you. Maybe you’ve evolved or changed since the era of receiving wonderful gifts from him, and he’s not sure what the new you would like? Or maybe your relationship has been strained, and his confidence has taken a hit? Has the onslaught of social media suggestions been getting to him and making him feel inadequate? None of this makes what he’s doing a great choice, but if you think I might be on to something before the next occasion, try saying something like this: “You’ve always given me the best gifts, and the thing I love most is knowing that you can be so thoughtful about me and what I like. Can we make a deal to let this be one area of our life that we don’t use AI for? I don’t think any amount of scraping the internet could produce a better result than what you’d come up with just by being the person who knows me best.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I am dating a man who is on several dating and sex for free apps. We’ve been seeing each other/sleeping together for almost two years now. I have been monogamous, but I’m not sure about him. Neither of us has declared exclusivity, and he swears he’s not seeing other people either, but is it fair for me to ask him to delete all the dating apps, especially the sex for free ones? —A One Man Woman Dear One Man Woman, I’m not sure what a “sex for free” app is (are we just talking about dating apps that might lead to hookups?), but that’s probably neither here nor there. This is really a basic question about defining a relationship. At this stage, I urge you to resist going straight to making requests or demands. Do not skip over the important step of communicating about what you want, what he wants, and whether those desires match up. Think of this as a little investigation into whether you two are on the same page rather than a campaign to cut off his access to other women. Because, as I’m sure you know on some level, if he wants to date other people, he’s going to date other people, even if his phone is stripped of all apps. You say he’s not seeing other people, but you two haven’t “declared exclusivity.” So I guess that means (if we believe him) you’re both allowed to do whatever you want and are currently choosing not to. His having dating and “sex for free” apps on his phone is aligned with your current agreement. I suspect there’s probably a reason that you haven’t made it official after two years of seeing each other, and that reason is his desire to keep his options open. But there’s nothing wrong with going for what you want—just as long as you’re prepared to walk away if he wants something different. So if you’d like to change the agreement to “Neither of us is allowed to see other people,” you have to propose that to your boyfriend (partner? Friend with benefits? Situationship participant?) and listen to what he says. Here is your script: “We’ve gotten a lot closer over the past couple of years, and I’m really enjoying our time together. I’m not seeing anyone else, and you’ve mentioned you aren’t either. What do you think about making it official and becoming monogamous?” Don’t forget to look directly at his face at this moment because, before he says anything, you are going to see an expression that tells you whether he’s excited or put off by this idea. If he gives you anything less than “Absolutely, I only want to be with you” with a genuine smile, the answer is no, he does not want to be monogamous. If he does express enthusiasm, that’s when you can talk about the details and what monogamy means to each of you, and find out whether he’s prepared to get rid of the portal to sex that he carries around in his pocket. Do you have an all-time favorite Prudie letter or response? Please let us know! Prudie is not fishing for compliments but rather collecting material for an upcoming project and would love your help. If there’s a column you can’t stop thinking about, email us at Prudence@Slate.com, and we may include it. Dear Prudence, My fiancée’s mother is a nice enough person, but she has one habit that I find extremely concerning: Whenever she goes to a store, she shoplifts small items. The first time I learned about it, I was shocked, but my fiancée says her mother has done it for as long as she can remember. When I asked about what would happen if she got caught, she replied that her mom never would. I told my sister about it, and she said I ought to break off my engagement. I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to deal with a mother-in-law who is a thief. Any suggestions? —Stressed By Sticky Fingers Dear Stressed By Sticky Fingers, To be fair, you don’t really have to “deal with” this behavior. Just don’t go shopping with her. Problem solved. You can tell her exactly why! Classic Prudie I’m in a six-month relationship with an amazing guy. He’s kind, generous, funny, and supportive, and we click on all levels. He treats me better than any man who ever said he loved me—but he’s not ready to say it yet. I’ve said it already, and I don’t regret saying it because I know I mean it. He says he feels the same thing I do but isn’t ready to call it love—he wants to wait until we’re further down the line toward commitment before saying it. His only other relationship lasted for six years and ended badly, so he’s very cautious this time around. He also wants to wait until he knows where his job will be and where he’ll be living. Advice Dear Prudence Marriage