My Husband Wants Us to Hire His Brother for Our Business. Uh, What He Did to His Last Employer Landed Him in Jail.

Dear Prudence We can’t risk this. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 23, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband “Nate” and I run our own business, and recently one of our employees left to move out of state for family reasons. Now that there’s an opening, Nate wants to hire his ne’er-do-well brother, “Jacob.” Jacob, however, just finished doing a stint in jail for drugs and stealing from his previous employer. My husband says it’s the perfect opportunity for Jacob to start fresh, and he says that he trusts his brother not to steal from us because “we’re family.” I think he’s living in Fantasy Land—there are countless examples out there of people who have robbed their own family members blind. While I’m not unsympathetic to Jacob’s situation, I don’t want to put us in jeopardy given his track record. Nate and I have been fighting over this for more than a month now. How can I convince him it’s not our responsibility to provide his brother with a job? —Not His Brother’s Keeper Dear Not His Brother’s Keeper, I could really see the case for giving Jacob a chance if he’d been convicted of something other than stealing from his employer. I believe he deserves a second shot at life—but not one that risks destroying your business. Explain it to your husband this way: “We both want to support Jacob. But if Jacob steals from us, we could end up broke or losing our business, and then we’ll have nothing to offer him. I’d rather make sure we’re stable and help him in another way, like by covering his rent until he can get a job on his own and helping him find one.” You could also try another angle: “Totally separate from his criminal history, hiring family members can be really fraught. I would hate to see your relationship with him suffer if he turns out not to be a good fit for the job. You obviously love him, and if you have to let him go for any reason, we’ll all be devastated.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My daughter asked my ex-husband, her father, if he would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. He agreed and, being a lovely, kind man, quickly suggested that she find a way to include her stepfather, my current husband. My daughter apparently burst into tears and announced that she didn’t want my husband at her wedding and only tolerated him because of me. My ex and I divorced very amicably in the ‘90s, and he and my husband are good friends. I’ve never been aware of any issues involving my daughter and my ex, and we are both deeply confused at this moment. My daughter says she doesn’t want to talk about it and is now suggesting that she might elope, as the wedding is “ruined.” My ex feels we need to give my daughter time to process and then have a more neutral discussion with her before we involve anyone else. His fear is that we could amplify the situation without all the necessary information, spreading needless hurt and confusion, and he is adamant that our first duty is to our daughter at this moment. I, on the other hand, go home to my husband and don’t feel comfortable keeping this from him or, frankly, living with some of the possible implications of what has been said. It’s been three weeks, and my daughter is still not returning calls. What do you suggest I do? —Spooked Dear Spooked, It seems strange to say this because you’re in such an emotionally intense situation that feels like it requires action, but I actually don’t think you need to do anything at this moment. I don’t know that you can even do anything to fix your daughter’s feelings about her wedding or her stepfather. Continue to text her, letting her know you’re there for her if she needs to talk and that you accept whatever choice she makes about her wedding. Yes, I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you do actually have to accept it. If she eventually speaks to you, please go into the conversation with an open mind, hoping to learn about her experience with her stepfather rather than hoping to change her mind. While it’s possible that she’s decided out of nowhere that she doesn’t like him and this feeling was so intense it made her cry and rethink her entire wedding, that seems unlikely to me. I need you to be prepared to hear that he mistreated her in some way that you weren’t aware of. Of course, if she says, “He’s an annoying dork, I hate his hair, and I don’t want him in my pictures,” or something similarly trivial, you can explain that it’s fine for her to decide on her own wedding party and program, but excluding him from the guest list would be unkind, and you won’t attend without him. But if her reasons are more serious and legitimate, you need to be prepared to stand up for her and take her side. I couldn’t agree more with your husband that your first duty is to your daughter. Don’t mention this to your husband until you know more. Since she opened up to your ex, not you, the information really isn’t yours to share. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I have a friend who I am close with who recently exhibited strange behavior toward me. My husband and I used to socialize, go driving together, have dinners, happy hours, and go places together with her. We would help each other and once owned a property together 50/50. Around May this year, I was at a community social event that she also attended. When I said hello, she had a stiff posture and didn’t appear to want to talk to me. I thought it was strange. After that, we didn’t even sit at the same table. Toward the end of the event, I asked if she and her husband wanted to come over for dinner, and I would be happy to accommodate his dietary restrictions. She said she had to check with her husband, but she did not follow up. On another occasion, I was doing my morning walk, and as I passed by her house, she and her husband saw me and hurried back into the house. This happened not once, but twice! Finally, just before I was leaving on vacation for the summer, I invited her to lunch for her birthday. We agreed on a date, time, and place, but the next day she texted me that she was busy that day. I asked for another time, and she said she was busy all week and we should go to lunch when I returned. I was relieved that she agreed to lunch in the first place because I thought there was hope that I was wrong. The text was the final straw. I realized that I needed to “get the message” that this friendship is over, and I have no idea why. I’m deeply hurt. So much so that I removed any reminders of her from my home, pictures on my phone, and unfollowed her and her husband on Facebook. I saw her again at an event at a mutual friend’s property a few months later. At the event, I only gave her and her husband a cursory nod of acknowledgment but hurried away to avoid any conversation. I barely said six words to her over a three-day event, and she noticed. I felt very bad about it because I was rude to her. It is not in my nature to act this way, but I was still very hurt, and I was not ready to speak to her. I feel I owe her an apology for my rude behavior, but that would require an explanation. If I tell her what I experienced just before vacation, I think she would attempt to gaslight me so I don’t trust her. I know what I saw and felt! What do I do? —Saddened By Loss of Friendship Dear Saddened By Loss of Friendship, I wish you’d explained exactly what she did that showed you that “she noticed” you giving her the cold shoulder. Regardless, you clearly still care about your friend and feel unresolved about what’s happened between you. At this point, you’re both hurt, and your friendship is basically dead, so you have nothing to lose by having a conversation with her. At worst, you’ll have a chance to explain that you were standoffish at the event because you were upset about her flaky behavior—and after getting that off your chest, your conscience will be clear, even if she does gaslight you as expected. At best, you might learn something (it’s hard to imagine what, but maybe there’s been a massive misunderstanding that she can clear up for you) that will explain her pulling back and allow you to repair. Here’s a script: “Hey, I wanted to talk about the event and clear the air about what’s been going on between us over the past several months. The reason I avoided speaking to you was that I was really hurt about the way I felt you were pulling away from me by not accepting any invitations to hang out and not having much to say when we saw each other. If you feel we’ve grown apart and want to end the friendship, I’ll respect that and give you your space. But if there’s another explanation or something you want to discuss with me, I would really love to hear about it and see if we can get back on track.” Classic Prudie I am 53. My boyfriend is 40. We have been dating for 18 months, I spend most nights at his place, and we function well as a couple—with one exception. I was a complete secret from his mother. For reasons he refused to share, he would not tell his mother I existed… Advice Dear Prudence Family Workplace Jobs