My Husband Swears Our Daughter’s Unruly Behavior Is Just Because She Loves Him More. It’s So Much Worse Than That.

Care and Feeding I’m so frustrated that he can’t see the obvious. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My 5-year-old, “Serena,” has a very different relationship with me than she does with her dad. In general, she prefers her dad, and I understand why. He has way fewer boundaries! I partly think it’s because he’s a pushover, but part of it is that I have autism and chronic pain, and there are many things I just cannot do that he can do. Recently, she has been going through a really attached/clingy phase and is glued to his side and demanding help from him for all things, even things she used to do independently. For a long time, he just did them all. He finally got to a point where he felt burnt out and is now trying to set some boundaries. She will do many of these things independently if she is with me and he’s not home. I was flabbergasted (and so annoyed!) when I found out he thinks she does more independently when she is with me because she “loves him more.” No, he just never set boundaries with her before. I’ve been setting boundaries and holding them her whole life because I HAVE to, in order to function with my chronic pain and sensory needs. I’m so frustrated he doesn’t see his behavior of always giving in to tantrums and demands as playing ANY role in this, and just thinks it’s naturally because he and our daughter are “so close.” Should I say anything? Part of me is mad because I think he should be setting some of the same boundaries so I’m not always the bad guy for not giving in to her when I physically can’t do what she’s asking of me. If he had similar boundaries, it would be a united front, and maybe she wouldn’t prefer him so visibly over me. —Battle of the Autistic Parent and the Neurotypical Parent (she/her) Dear Battle of the Autistic Parent and the Neurotypical Parent, You used a key phrase: “united front.” While kids will naturally respond to parents differently, it makes total sense to be on the same page as far as what you expect your daughter to do by herself. Yes, say something to him, but don’t approach the discussion as a confrontation. The goal here is to work together as parents. It sounds like it’s time to really sit down and collectively decide what you both will encourage her to do alone. When you explain it to her, you don’t have to tell her that it’s because she’s treating each of you differently. Tell her that 5 years old is a big age, and that now that she’s a big girl, there are some things she can do by herself. Say, “While Mommy and Daddy will always be here to help you, you can do these things alone. Here are the things you can do by yourself.” Yes, this is to assist you and your needs, but these are the sorts of tasks she’ll need to do on her own anyway. For example, if she can easily make herself certain snacks without assistance, it’s important that she always tries to make them. As she gets older, she can then build on that knowledge. This is as important for her development as it is for you. Your husband should be supportive of that. —Arionne More Advice From Slate Three months ago, my dad asked me (in a non-pressuring way) if I could move out so there was room for his girlfriend and her daughter who I had never met. I gladly agreed, as I am 22 and had been looking to move out for a while. I moved into a nice one-bedroom apartment and am loving it so far! Only one problem: My stepmom (“Lauren”) and my stepsister (“Elisa,” 15) continue to make demands. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting