My Husband Surprised Me With Some “Toys” in Bed. What He Wants Me to Do With Them Is a Nonstarter.

How to Do It I’m repulsed. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Tinnakorn Jorruang/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. He is 64, and I am 58. We have had a good sex life and have been in a place where we both know what works for a long time—kinda boring, I know, huh? But over the past year or so, he’s been exploring new things, which is normally OK with me. The latest idea has completely overwhelmed me, and not in a good way. He surprised me by buying toys (which is a good thing, as I know he’s trying to spice it up a bit) to try pegging without asking me first. He assumed I would be on board with it, but the idea completely repulses me. My main reason is that it brings me back to my childhood/early teen years, when I was sexually abused and assaulted by a family friend during that period of my life. I have dealt with that time through counseling and forgiven the guy so that he doesn’t take up rent in my mind anymore. I have talked with my husband about this and why I just cannot do it, but he’s still pressuring me to do this. It physically nauseates me when I think about it and try to reason it out. I know this is something that can bring him immense pleasure, and I love him very much. I know he sees this as a rejection of his needs, and since I told him how I feel about it, he has been treating me differently (ie., snippy, critical, and sarcastic). Should I just “get over myself” and bite the bullet here? But when I even consider it, I spiral into a really dark place. What should I do? —To Peg or Not to Peg Dear To Peg or Not to Peg, No, you should not just get over it. For one thing, it’s not that easy. If you could just get over it, you would have already, and there would have been no need for your letter. Your husband is being massively insensitive. You don’t need a reason for not wanting to peg him. “No” is absolutely sufficient. Even so, you have a very understandable one. You’ve done him the favor of explaining where that no is coming from—a place of trauma—and he has pressured you, taken it personally, and lashed out accordingly. You deserve none of it. It’s very disconcerting that he is making your discomfort about him. Pegging is not a central feature of your sex life; given your ages and the amount of time you have been together, it’s quite possible that he’s never even experienced pegging before. If that’s the case, he is attempting to revoke your autonomy over something he isn’t even sure he likes. Why should his whim have more sway than your trauma? Given his insensitivity up to this point, I’m not sure how you can convince him of this. Maybe show him this column and let him know how wrong a disinterested stranger thinks he is. Perhaps couples counseling could be useful as, again, another person can weigh in on how unfair and childish he is being by making this all about him. There is an opportunity here for you to reflect on his behavior. Isolated reactions are possible, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if his attempts at coercion described in your letter are part of a bigger pattern. Is this the first time he’s reacted like this in 30 years? Does he historically not take “no” well? Is he going through something and lashing out? There might be something bigger here that you need to contend with. If nothing else, he has the toys; he can certainly use them on himself. —Rich More Advice From Slate My long-term partner and I have a pretty solid relationship, and his family seem to be lovely people. Because of distance, we don’t see them very often, but when we do, there is one thing I get hung up on… Advice Sex