My Husband Is Usually Game for All My Out There Sex Ideas. But There’s No Telling How He’ll React to My Latest.

How to Do It He’s usually happy to go along with it, but maybe not this time. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Aiman Dairabaeva/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Me (female-to-male) and my husband (cis male) have a beautiful marriage, relationship, and sex life. We’re most certainly not vanilla, but also not crazy explorative (nothing public/out of the house). I bring up most of the new kinky ideas, but he’s always happy to go along with them, does it excitedly, and is very good about saying “no” if he doesn’t want to do it. The problem is I have one kink I’m yet to explore with him. I have a piss kink/watersports kink, but I have NO idea how to bring that up or how he’d react. I have a feeling he wouldn’t make me feel bad about it, even if he wanted to say no, but it’s just so awkward to bring up. If he does say yes or that he’d be interested, are there any safety concerns we need to think of? —Missing Out on a Golden World Dear Missing Out on a Golden World, Your trepidation makes sense. While piss play isn’t the most uncommon kink, it nonetheless exists in the realm of taboo for many, as it involves bodily waste that most of us were taught is dirty from a young age. If it feels too awkward to bring up to your husband, you need to decide which is worse: talking about it or never giving yourself the chance to experience it with him. If this is a strong enough kink, you’ll push through the awkwardness. You don’t have to present this as something that is part of your sexuality, just something that you are curious about trying. If that’s too dishonest—if you have tried it and are well past the point of curious—you can say you’re curious about trying it with him. That is true. I want to be clear that there’s nothing wrong with having this kink, it’s just easier to talk about this stuff without the burden of identity and what it all “means.” If this kind of play can be viewed as just behavior, it can be evaluated and taken up or denied with a lesser risk of judgment. From what you describe, it doesn’t sound like your husband is out to judge you, but I think that’s probably at the heart of your fear. Regarding safety, it’s generally advisable to avoid drinking urine. That said, people have been doing it for years, often for supposed health benefits. Urine may contain bacteria, toxins the body is filtering out, as well as traces of medication. It’s a good idea to avoid consuming these. One study found oral intake of urine to be associated with “nausea, vomiting, headache, palpitations, diarrhea or fever.” Many people into piss play will take urine into their mouth but spit it out before they swallow it. Will it kill you if swallowed? Almost certainly not, but since you asked for safety tips, these are things to keep in mind. Because pee can have a strong odor, many opt to play in the shower/bath or outside so it doesn’t get into fabric. You can discuss ahead of time who wants to pee and who wants to be the pee-ee. Maybe you take turns. The one getting pissed on should dictate where on their body they’d like it to land. For a previous column on piss play, I reached out to some connoisseurs. You can read their tips here. One said avoiding caffeine is a good idea for the sake of flavor/smell, but that beer, Gatorade, and water should keep things flowing nicely. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I’m a 30-year-old woman struggling to make sense of a relationship that felt real to me but ended without explanation. I had known this 40-year-old man for a while before we became romantically involved. I resisted his advances and invitations because he was still technically in a long-term relationship. He described it as emotionally over and said he didn’t want to remain in it, though he was reluctant to leave. What we had was anything but casual. He spent most of his free time with me, took me on dates, met people in my life, made plans for the future, and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. He reassured me that I wasn’t merely a pastime or temporary escape. I was the happiest I’d been in years. Eventually, I needed clarity about whether he would leave his partner and whether we had a future. Instead, he pulled away. When I confronted him, he said he was stressed and overwhelmed. I asked him to talk honestly about what was happening, then sent a couple of messages and apologized for my part in things. He didn’t respond, so I stopped contacting him. It has now been about two weeks. I can’t reconcile the man who promised forever with the man who disappeared when things became difficult. Did I matter to him? Did he genuinely intend to leave his partner, or did he believe what he was saying without intending to follow through? Can someone love you and still retreat into the life they’ve built rather than face the consequences of choosing you? The most embarrassing part is that I still want him to come back. I imagine him apologizing, explaining himself, and returning after sorting out his relationship. I know his silence is an answer, but I still want the person who hurt me to be the one who fixes it. How do you let go of something that felt beautiful and genuine when the other person ends it without even giving you a conversation? —Sort of Forever Dear Sort of Forever, Let’s start by taking him at his word: He was stressed and overwhelmed. Just guessing here, I think you and the relationship he had with you was a kind of fantasy refuge from his relationship, which was fraught and perhaps genuinely unhappy. Newness can feel like paradise—you’re vibing with the person, everything is perfect, and it will always be this way, or so you think. “New relationship energy,” as referred to by the poly community, is a kind of drug that puts a haze over everything. It’s much easier to believe things are perfect when they feel that way. But then you, completely reasonably, wanted clarity, and I think that shattered the illusion. He couldn’t run on the fumes of perfection and actually had to contend with the situation he had created, and only complicated by connecting to multiple people when he wasn’t happy with one. You made him think about and face his flawed creation. Maybe shame set in, and/or the realization that he couldn’t run away via your connection. Yours, too, was a relationship that needed work, support, and a basis in reality. But who knows, really? This is just me concocting a narrative with scant information. In any case, you have the situation laid out quite nicely: He promised forever and then disappeared. He may have meant that promise when he made it. He may have loved you when he was doing all the lovey stuff. You may have mattered to him when it was easy. But what reifies gestures of love is consistency and longevity. It’s much easier to tell someone forever than it is to share it with them. Talk, as you by now have inevitably heard, is cheap. He may have loved you; he may still. But he isn’t loving you. If there was opportunism underlying his behavior, there is now no reason to believe he wouldn’t have similarly selfish designs if he were to come back around. You’re in the “fool me twice, shame on me” phase of dealing with him. Take him back at your peril and be prepared to bleed. I think that’s the lesson to extract here: This one particular guy is capable of wreaking havoc on your heart, and he won’t stick around to hold your hand through it. Stay open-hearted for future prospects. Loving someone means leaving yourself open to their carnage. Someone who loves you back will do their best to avoid this, even if they realize the relationship isn’t right for them. Letting go of this guy may take time, but you should realize that you’ve been told in no uncertain terms that this isn’t the relationship for you, even if the telling was brutal. You can find someone better, someone who shows up for you. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, What is the best way to host a sex party while being a responsible neighbor? I host sex parties in various venues in the big city that I live in. I also own a nice house in the city with a pool, spa, and lush backyard. I’d like to start hosting parties in my home that include people having the run of the yard while nude. I already have a wooden fence surrounding my property that is 7 feet high (basically as high as the city would allow), and there are no sight lines from the neighbors’ yards/homes into my yard/home. I have a fountain that provides some white noise. I live in a neighborhood with plenty of free street parking and have never had a problem with my guests blocking driveways. And I’ve hosted plenty of non-sexy parties over the years, and my neighbors are used to seeing me entertain. The neighbors are all lovely, by the way. We have a friendly relationship, but they don’t know about the sex parties. Anything else I can do to ensure privacy for my guests and peace for my neighbors? Should I just tell them that I’m hosting an orgy? —Naughty and Nice Dear Naughty and Nice, I think this is a run-till-tackled situation. Don’t flag your party as a sex party so that your neighbors have reason to complain/protest before it even happens. See how the first one goes and then adjust accordingly. This is your property, and you can do what you want on it, particularly because the sight lines are secured so no one could argue that any of this is happening in “public.” (It sounds to me like you’re read up on your city’s laws, but obviously, do check for any local rules you should be following here.) You can dampen the noise further with music—loud enough to cover some of the sex sounds but not so much that it becomes its own grounds for a noise complaint. You can also tell your guests to keep it down when in the yard. Easier said than done, of course, but if you put it into people’s minds, they’re at least more likely to be mindful than if you hadn’t said anything. I would consider the first party a run-through to determine whether or not your home, specifically the outdoor space, is a good venue. This may require you to refrain from sex so that you can supervise without getting caught up in the moment. That would be a small price to pay for peace of mind. If you end up clocked or, worse, raising the ire of your neighbors, you can always scale back and keep things indoors or use one of your other venues. It sounds like your sex party scene is thriving, so this would just be an add-on, not a make-or-break situation. You’re in good shape. —Rich More Advice From Slate My wife and I (M) have been together for almost 30 years. While the kids were still at home our sex life was hit or miss but upon becoming empty nesters about two years ago we are making a point to have it more often. Earlier this year, my wife told me our sex life satisfies her emotionally but not physically. I had to agree. She likes it straight missionary style, for an extended time, holding back, waiting for her climax to build up, and then “letting it go.” I am no longer physically able to do it for that extended amount of time she requires. And I have always been a little more adventurous… Advice Sex